Revealing Grace

There are things I could say but I would just sound like a broken record. Because though I have challenges, they are so much smaller than my blessings. Though sometimes things do not go my way, my life is so much easier than the lives of so many. So I cannot complain, I cannot lament, because my life has been redeemed by Christ and I can ask for nothing more. I miss the reservation, I miss my high school girls in Fayetteville, and I desire to be more connected with the ministry in India, but what I must realize is that this kind of problem is one that not many people in the world have. It is to have been impacted by so many people, loved by so many people, that I cannot physically be with them all and help them all. I must trust in the only One who can reach to those I love and cannot be with. This blog has made me realize the constant repeating cycle of my emotions, my experiences, and my life. So tonight I will just rest in thankfulness and not worry about finding the words....

Today I ran 3.5 miles. Ok, ok fine, I ran at a jogging pace and intermittently walked to catch my breath, but still, that's pretty impressive right? I don't think I have ever moved my two feet that far on purpose in my life. Part of my motivation was to finally get in shape, be healthy, and look awesome. The OTHER half was because at the end of 3.5 miles was the most glorious market one can imagine. At the end of 3.5 miles is South Pasadena, the super cute part of town with little shops and an old train station and things of that adorable nature, and when I reached the market sweating (ew), panting, and tired I swore I was in farmer's market heaven. It was like a fair that happens every Thursday.  Vegetables, samples, ethnic foods, more vegetables, oh my gosh I was in love. I almost forgot that I was sweating bullets as I wandered off like a distracted kid in a candy store. It was simply glorious. So the plan is to run to the market every Thursday and buy my fresh produc...

I started back at work this week. It is a lovely reprieve from organizing and reorganizing my room (my tendency when I have no homework and don't know what to do with myself). I discovered on Monday that my sweet little boy I nanny has grown even more adorable since I left two months ago and has taken to waddling around the house which is quite amazing really. What I love about him is that as he waddles around he will just take to laughing. Nothing funny is happening, nothing I can see is that amusing but as he walks he will just laugh and laugh and laugh. When this happens I generally begin to laugh too which makes him laugh more and in the end I think we might just both be copying each other and laughing for the sake of it, but in all reality the laughter brightens the whole day. As we laugh for no apparent reason other than his joy at life in general I have come to think that I want to live my life more like him. The joy of living should be enough that we relish in the small vi...

The transition is always the hardest part. It isn't hard in the way that (I assume) running a marathon would be hard or in the way that moving to Uzbekistan would be hard, instead it is a quiet kind of toughness. It is the kind that you almost miss because everything is so beautiful and every place you go is so good, but it is a quiet stirring in your soul that keeps reminding you of the things you are missing. It is the longing to be in many places at once but at the same time the joy that you have been so many places and that you love the place you are in at this moment, right now. It is going to Laguna Beach with friends and coming home to a quiet apartment to watch a movie, but at the same time feeling a little guilty. Feeling that you should be in the other place, holding them through their sufferings and loving them through their mistakes. It is the feeling of helplessness that being so far away means being useless. But then (and this is the part that makes it quiet) it is k...

So I am back. I went from cliffs to concrete and rez to riches. It is quite the adjustment. As I left the reservation the other day I cried for quite a few miles. It was the good kind of tears though, for I was sad to leave because the rez had become another home for me. I grew to love my teenagers there, my Apache family, and my ministry family. They changed my life as any experience does, and driving back into Pasadena I already longed to be back with them. It is that desire to be in two (or more) places at once that becomes commonplace when so many places have impacted one's life. At the same time I am very happy to be back in Pasadena. When the elevator door opened to my floor it smelled like Fuller and all the memories of my year here came flooding into my mind and the smile returned to my face. I was tired after the long drive but waiting here for me were wonderful friends, frozen yogurt, and the anticipation of my second year here at Fuller. It is hard to reconcile my he...

He kissed her newly formed face and smiled at His most recent creation. He had loved her from before the moment she was formed and He wanted her to know before He let her go into the world. As He sent her down He whispered, "My child, I have created you for big things." And at that a cry came into the world and she had arrived.  As a little girl she was always full of spunk and as she ran she always felt God running with her. She had loved Him since the moment He had kissed her newly formed face. She never doubted His love for she had felt it, seen it, held onto it. And as she grew older she clung to the quiet voice that reminded her, "I have big plans for you."  But she grew older, and the world grew tougher, and every now and then she would forget the kiss and the whisper. She would begin to run and lose her way, but He would be there. He would pick her up and dust her off when she fell, would calmly drop hints to return to the right direction, and calm her w...

It is a quiet last Saturday on the rez. Yesterday was full, full of activity, sorrow, and Chinese food buffets. Though my time is ending here the hardships are not. I am still learning how to walk with my students through their pain and fears even though I have no answers, but I consistently find it a blessing that the girls are willing to talk with me about their struggles and their hardships in their homes. My heart is burdened for their pain, but God is continually working with me.  Speaking of God working with me, the last few days I have had the chance to read a phenomenal book recommended to me by my darling friend Julia. The book is Passion and Purity  by Elizabeth Elliot and is the best book I have ever read on matters of the heart. I am being challenged as I read, and the words seem to float from the page and lodge themselves directly into the crevices of my heart. I am learning to be patient, to trust in the Lord, and each day when I open the book I feel like Eliz...

It is my last week on the reservation, and just as the first, the pain, suffering, and bad decisions are still so present. I have learned how to deal with the pain a lot better than the first half of my practicum. In the first four weeks the pain and stories sat like bricks on my back until the final piece of straw was lain there and it broke. The second time around (or second half that is) I have been able to receive the stories and sightings with sadness (for these things should  break your heart) but at the same time not let myself be overwhelmed by them. God has taken each moment of other's pain that I begin to cradle closely and picked it up, easily and calmly, as He puts it on His own back. The burden has been much lighter. The other night I was up on Prayer Mountain with a team and I was thinking of all the pain I had witnessed since I have been here: the dysfunctional and abusive relationships between parents and children, the marks on the arms of my girls, the bad decis...

Oh the people that you meet! This summer has been a spectacular time to meet new people from all over the United States. I have met "small world" connections from Indiana, even someone who went to my same university in Georgia! Last week I met some men from Kentucky who sang the twangiest old country hymns up on a mountain that I have ever heard, and this week I have had what I consider a great privilege....a group of Amish are in town! That is right folks, old order Amish are on the Apache reservation. Who would have thought it! These ladies are from Indiana and are from an order that still drive horses with buggies, do not ride bikes, do church in German, and make all their own clothing. In meeting these gals I jumped right in because, let's face it, I am an extrovert and I LOVE meeting people who live culturally different. So as I sat down to dinner with a few of the Amish girls I got right to the point, asking the important questions. "So, do you guys ever we...

A year ago today I had just arrived in India. I was tired, weepy, and luggage-less. I had traveled by myself for over 24 hours and everything was different. I was overwhelmed and I could only guess as to what God had in store for that trip, let alone for the next year. One year later I am spending my summer with a different kind of "Indian." I had no idea I would be here when I ate my first chapati and tried on my first sari, but how blessed the road has been to get here. God has taught me a lot since I first landed in that foreign land by myself last summer. He has taught me about trusting Him through the unknown and about the importance of talking to Him, even telling Him the littlest things. Mostly I think He has taught me how much He cares. I can tell He cares because each opportunity He has given me has made me grow, as a person and as a Christian. I have been challenged, made uncomfortable, and been so very very blessed. Last year this time I was shopping with my ...

There are a lot of things going through my head that I thought I would write about today. I penned a beautiful piece on the mixture of cultures and religions at the Sunrise Dance preparation I went to yesterday, but maybe that will show up later. I thought about writing about the joys of spending time in encouragement, bible study, and prayer with three of my teenage girls yesterday, and that probably will play a part in this post because it is important, but there is a lot on my mind. Or maybe nothing on my mind, who knows. I think I might just type and see where we end up at the bottom of the page. It seems to me that there are so many things in this life vying for our attention. When we don't have a boyfriend we spend time dreaming about it, when we do have a boyfriend we spend time fretting over if this is really what we wanted after all. We spend time in work and then we have to think about spending time in rest. Then when we are resting we just think about all the other th...