Revealing Grace

Throughout this whole process I have questioned myself. I have questioned my actions, my response, the things I should say, the perspective I should take. I have wondered if I should write about it, and if so, with how much detail. I have questioned because I wanted to figure out the “right” thing to do.  But I had no guide, no map, no precedent to follow. After all, I am a Christian and we do not talk about these things, let alone let them happen to us.   So a few days ago when I listened to a relatively transformative podcast by Rob Bell, I finally was able to take a breath and realize. . . I don’t actually need a map. I am the committee.   I can question what is “supposed” to happen or what everyone else thinks I should do, but really, I don’t need a committee to make my decisions for me. I am the committee and I can make those decisions for myself.   So, a few days ago was the anti-climatic “D-day,” the day my not-husband went to cou...

Today, on Christmas Eve, I sat in church and I felt the emotion of the Christmas story in a deeper way than I ever have before. Every song gave me chills, the scripture made me teary. I was overwhelmed. For here is a true fact: I love love.  Maybe it is because I now know that true love is such a rare and amazing thing, but any time I see or experience real love I feel the greatest joy. I love seeing my friends happy in their marriages or engagements, I love seeing families having fun together, I love how my grandparents care for one another. I absolutely rejoice when I see acts of love. It gives me life to see other people's joy. My therapist recently explained God's love in a way I hadn't imagined before, with an imagery that spoke to me: The short version of the Genesis story is that once there was the garden and everything was perfect, but we chose sin and had to leave. In that moment, God could have said, " Good luck out there, in the imperfect, diffi...

Last night I went to a wedding and debuted Meredith 2.0. Actually it is probably version 563.7 but we will say 2.0 just for simplicity sake. As a matter of fact, it was one of my "kids" (read: high school students that I used to mentor) that threw some wisdom at me the other day and impacted my decision to embrace the newer, better, brighter future. I was lamenting about a picture I had lost that had him and some of the other kids in it when he texted me, "They're all good memories but sometimes we have to. . . look forward to better memories." I know. Tell me about it. I "raised" good teenagers. As 2017 comes to a close I could easily sit around and wallow in what was and what could have been, but really that isn't too productive. The much better alternative is to put on my favorite sparkly shoes and a great dress and walk into a group of people with my head held high, my heart full of excitement for what is to come, and my feet full of fan...

I want my skin to be thick enough for nothing to hurt.  If only my heart was full enough that it no longer ached when I think of what was, what could have been, what is ending. I wish that my armor could shield me from the pain, the twisting arrow, the thoughts that I can't stop thinking. I wish that I did not care, that his ghost did not have the power to make me feel so broken. I want to forget the bad and forget the good. I want to stop loving someone who doesn't deserve my love. I want to go back and change my fate, my decisions, my trusting heart that told me to lay it all out for a person that would take it all and then walk away. I want to be as carefree and happy as he seems, instead of worrying that people will discount me for my story. I want to believe that all is well and all shall be well. I want to be stronger than the mess. But here is the truth: There is no strength that could keep this from penetrating my defenses. My heart is bound to beat wi...