Revealing Grace

Here is what it feels like to be on chemo treatments: Your once lovely and thick hair is now thin and balding like a middle-aged man. Your body is doing the opposite. Once thin and trim it is now getting thicker and bulkier from the steroids and lack of exercise due to these treatments being hard on your heart and hello, the lack of energy to do anything more than go to work and play with your dog. If that isn't enough for you, your eye is consistently twitching, your back hurts from "bone pain," you are simultaneously exhausted and wired, and your brain took a vacation and left you behind. And just for good measure, add in slowly disappearing eyebrows. It isn't fun. And it sucks because I want to date and not look like I'm slowly transitioning to a less appealing me. I want to make new friends in my city and not have to feel self-conscious about my new fashion statement, the headwrap+braid. And it sucks because I feel bad for feeling mad about this...

Last night my friend made me a pie. An apple pie. I literally did a little dance of joy when it came out of the oven. It wasn't what we thought we would be doing this weekend- eating pie and going to the State Fair. We thought we would be managing my naps and feeding me toast after another chemo, but my body decided it wasn't quite ready for that. Cancer treatment is certainly full of ups and downs.  You finally get your mind wrapped around how to balance work, chemo treatment, side effects, a dog, and remembering to shower and eat real food, and then a curve ball gets thrown in and everything seems to fly into chaos and confusion. This happened on Thursday when they told me that my white blood cell count was too low to do chemo on schedule this week.  Talk about a build up to a big let down.  I went from the appointment (in tears) to the airport to pick up my friend who had left 4 of her 6 kids to take care of me and I was flustered to say the least. I f...

This is a post I wrote and never published over a year ago, just a month or so before my husband left. I would say the message is still fitting for my current season. Enjoy this flashback! ___________________ March 2017 The other day I walked into work just like any other day. Nothing extraordinary or great had happened that morning. I had just woken up, gotten ready, and headed into work. As I said hello to my friend and coworker she exclaimed, "you look happy!" I look happy? I thought. I look happy! It had been so long since my natural countenance had been happy and I was thrilled at her observation. A few weeks later the same coworker walked over to my office (or cubicle) and said, "Hey, I just wanted you to know that you seem like your old self again and I'm really happy to have you back." Again, I was amazed that she noticed the outward healing that I was feeling inside. This friend has known me since I arrived in Arizona and has had a front row se...

I'm tired of talking about cancer. I'm tired of fighting cancer. I'm tired of this being a part of my story. But the fact is, this will always be a part of my life. There are many stages in treatment and in recovery, many milestones. But the rest of my life will forever be different than before this. I will always have to be wise about what I eat, stay in shape, always have to go to check-ups to make sure the cancer stays away. I will always be looking to markers of one year, five years, ten years cancer free. I will be looking forward to chemo being done, then my next surgery being over. I will then move to celebrate the end of year-long Herceptin infusions, then the removal of my port. Follow that with five years of hormone treatment before all of this is "over." Ooof. But. But. I will also be looking forward to celebrating one year at the job that I love. I will look forward to vacations with friends and trips around the world. I will celebrate t...