How I Cope: The Cancer Series

Well, it has been a whirlwind. I came back from a wonderful trip to Denmark, had a biopsy two days later, was diagnosed three days later, and had surgery just three short weeks after that. Honestly, I am so comfortable in my body since surgery. Sure, I look different, but we all look different and I'm not 25 anymore, so I look different anyways. 

We have had many days of sorrow in our house. Sorrow that we cannot have any more children. Sorrow that I have to go through chemotherapy again. Sorrow for the time I will miss with friends and for the days when I haven't been able to care for Emma. 

But we have also had many moments of joy. Joy for good surgery results. Joy for the ways our community is taking care of us here in Tennessee and beyond. Joy for every day that we have together. Joy for kitchen dance parties with Emma, extra cookies at snack time, and for every good and beautiful person and comment we have encountered. 

People often exclaim that they are amazed by how positive and strong we are going through this. To be honest, we don't always feel very positive and strong when we are moping on the couch with extra chips and a stupid tv show in a messy house. But today, with my shaved head, my annoying port, and my baby asleep upstairs, I feel strong and I will tell you why. 

 1. Everyone goes through hard things. I am not special or cursed or unique. We all have our own suffering and burdens to bear. One hardship is not greater than another. This perspective has been key for me. We all experience pain. Be it illness, infertility, family issues, or lack of basic needs, we all have something that hurts our hearts. I feel gratitude for the blessings in my situation (finding the cancer early, having treatment options) because I know things could be worse and I know my suffering is not unique. 

2. It isn't all about me. A good friend sent me a podcast clip about God's providence and the point of it was that sometimes, God's providence isn't about me. I don't think God "lets" bad things happen to us. I think this world is simply full of bad things, and I believe that every good thing comes from God. I've been thrilled to see how God can use this situation to deepen my faith and to share with others the truths I've come to understand about Him. Sometimes, what happens to me isn't all about me. Sometimes there is a greater purpose to it all. 

3. God has been good to me! From physical manifestations of His power and presence, to feeling His voice and direction, to people who we barely know blessing us in ways we could not have even thought to ask for, God has been good to me. I believe that this treatment and experience is for my good and my healing. The fact is, I had cancer cells in my body. Through going off of my medication to try and get pregnant, the cancer cells multiplying, the MRI I didn't know I needed. . . all of this, I believe, was so that we could find this cancer early and get rid of it for good. I believe I will be cancer free forever after this. Might I be wrong? Yep. But I am holding onto that hope and belief until proven otherwise. Yes, this sucks, but I see SO much good in it that it is honestly hard to complain. A heart of gratitude instead of bitterness has really helped my perspective. 

4. Ok, this is an honest one. Depression medication. Ha! Yes, I feel positive and strong and ready, but this is in part because I realized I couldn't manage the mental stress with my own will power. I recognized that I needed medical intervention to help me cope and I was proud of myself for asking my doctor for help before going into chemo. They immediately prescribed me a medication that has helped me immensely. It has shut the deep dark tunnels and strengthened my brain so that I can work through all of my emotions from the shore and not from the depths of the depression ocean. It is ok to need God and modern medicine. In fact, I really believe they are the best combination. 

Are we still sad? YES! Are we also thankful? YES! We are a mess of dark humor, poignant thoughts, and absolute ridiculousness, but that's grief for you. 

I will have so much more to write and share with you in the days to come. Thank you for your love and support in this crazy life of mine. 

God is good.

All the time. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousAugust 26, 2024 at 3:10 PM

    Meredith the first time I met you I said this girl is amazing! You are one of the strongest young ladies I know and the best attitude ever! God has got this because God is so good all the time! I love you and your family! Margo McInturff

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cancer 2.0

Image
Today it rained. If you have been following my story for the past 6+ years, you know that this means something to me. Often, I feel the love and presence of God in the rain. I don’t know why. I think it started almost 6 years ago to the day when I wrote a post about the rain. Today, I am writing a similar post. 6 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and on July 6 th , 2018, it was removed with a mastectomy, followed by chemotherapy, immunotherapy, and medication. Instead of celebrating my 6-year cancer free anniversary this week, I am scheduling appointments with a new team of doctors in Tennessee because, yet again, I have cancer. I know. We are all mad about it. Here are the practical details: It is on the same side, even though I had a mastectomy. It is teensy-tiny. It is just .4 cm, with my last tumor being 1.6 cm.  Here are the emotional details: We are sad. This puts a wrench in our plans to grow our family. This puts a wrench in our plans to go to less
Read more

Coming to Terms

 “How are you doing with that aspect of things?” my friends ask cautiously and kindly. I’m quiet for a minute as my mind flashes back to that small, tiny, windowless room where I sat on the paper stretched across a chair, perched above everyone else. “I heard that you were about to start trying for a second baby.” The doctor says matter-of-factly. “Yes.” I reply quietly. “We were supposed to start trying this week.” “That’s probably not a good idea now.” “Yes,” my voice breaks. “I know that. We’ve come to terms with that.” “It wouldn’t be wise to go off medication again, not with a recurrence this soon since your initial diagnosis.” I nod. Unable to form the words. They come out between tears. “Yes, I know we won’t be having any more children.” Sure, we have “come to terms with it” in a sense, yes, but how can one ever prepare for this reality? For the news of cancer but also the news that you will never again carry a baby in your womb? That just as you had prepared you
Read more

Faith Within Suffering

 I didn't talk about God for a while.  When I was younger, I never stopped. My oldest friend and I laughed last weekend about how I would pray for her to attend church when we were kids and tell her about my prayers. When I was in college, it was my purpose. On the reservation it was my profession.  When the waves of suffering hit, I still professed God's goodness for a while, but eventually it became too much. The waves kept knocking me down every time I tried to get up. I was sick in a cancer ward. My relationship with church completely upended. My marriage destroyed.  I stopped talking about my God because I couldn't make sense of my suffering or anyone else's pain. I didn't have any of my youthful certainty. I just had a whole bunch of questions and a whole lot of anger.  Until life got better. Until I got perspective. Until I stood in the snow among the Tetons and said to the wind, "Ok, God, I'm ready. Let's do this again. I'm with you." 
Read more