Revealing Grace

When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to watch the Titanic movie.  It wasn't because of the love story or the painting scene, it was because my mom knew that after watching it I would have cried for days. As a child I could never get over the fact that they didn't put more people in those lifeboats, and even 75+ years after it happened I still felt the pain as if it had just occurred yesterday and those people on the ship were my family. It was the same thing with the Holocaust museum, the evening news, and movies without happy endings. As a child all the way into being an adult, I felt the pain of others' sorrow with my entire being. I was sheltered because the depth of the sadness would have overwhelmed my tiny soul and I simply could not handle it. As an adult I am able to handle things much better, but I suppose old habits die hard because the other day this happened: It was just a normal night at the Agan household and I was watching a tv show called The 100 ...

As a kid I always loved when my mom made homemade chocolate chip cookies. I have distinct memories of rushing to the kitchen, the warm cookies sitting on wax paper, my mom by the oven as we scooped up as many as we could handle (or were allowed). By the end of the night you had eaten at least nine, but only admitted to five, and the whole house was happy. I think a lot about what I have brought with me from that childhood home, what traits and examples I have grown into. Marriage brings to light a lot of the flaws and beauties that we learned through life and family, and it can certainly be both joyous and annoying. Cameron and I grew up so differently and we fight into and against all that we learned before we met each other. We strive to be the best versions of ourselves, and so much of what we know we have brought with us from our youth. As I reflect on my own childhood I am moved toward thinking of my girls, the sweet teenage girls who are having children of their own this sea...

Today we are going to talk about marriage since, you know, I have a month and a half of wisdom going on over here in Show Low, Arizona and I know you are dying to hear it. Just call me the wise woman of the forest. Anyways. . . In the weeks surrounding our wedding a lot of people wanted to give us some advice. It generally fell into two camps, either "marriage is going to be really hard" or "marriage is awesome!" We definitely appreciated the honesty of camp one but preferred camp two. As we moved forward through our wedding and began life together you would be amazed at how many people began to tell us that our happiness won't last. People would ask how it was going and we would respond honestly with answers like, "Marriage is great! It's so much fun and we simply love getting to do life together!" 4 out of 5 people responded with, "It won't last." No joke. This was a slightly frustrating response. And here is why (alth...

Brokenness and pain. Does it ever get easier to handle? Less impacting on the heart, the soul, the mind? Will it ever become a part of this life that doesn't tear at my emotions, causing a depth of sorrow that cannot be cured? In my line of work brokenness is the day-to-day normal routine. As I have expanded my vision here in the White Mountains, I have simply increased the types of brokenness to which I am exposed. Instead of just working with abuse, neglect, and poverty, I am now seeing what happens when that brokenness from childhood goes unhealed. And it will break your heart even more than it has already been broken.  A new facet of my ministry is in the world of drug addiction, a world I previously knew nothing about. As I get to know people in all stages of addiction, and as I read from those who have lived in this world so much longer than I, my heart swells with frustration that such depth of pain exists. You can see the pain in the eyes of the addict. It isn'...

If there is one joy in a wedding it is the love. The love between a boy and a girl, the love between their families, the love of their friends. Beyond all else, this was the most moving piece of our wedding day.   The love made possible by our Savior was an aura throughout the event. It was as if a light shone from each person and into the world around us. I'm telling you as I look back this light of love permeated souls and made hearts swell (and I am not even being dramatic here. Ask anyone who was there). It was brilliant and beautiful and profound and it struck our hearts in a way that will impact us for years. I am still overwhelmed by the love that emanated from that most wonderful day. For Cameron and I, we have chosen to live in a small town in the mountains of Arizona in order to be faithful to the ministry God has called us to. A by-product of this has been finding it harder to have deep friendships that aren't the lovely teenagers we spend most of our time...

Let me set the stage for you: Katy Perry's "Firework" is playing and I'm the only one on the dance floor. Granted it's my wedding, so I was in the mindset of It's my wedding, I'm going to dance if I want to! but it's a little weird to be doing firework hand motions all by your lonesome while a circle of tables sits around you. In fact, I had thought that my friend was going to stay, but she was all danced out so there I was, having the time of my life. As I lifted my arms into a sweet slow-motion firework motion I happened to spot Cameron right by the dance floor, so being as he was now my husband and therefore required to make a fool of himself with me, I pulled him in to join me in the spotlight. In a split second, totally like in a movie, I watched as Cameron moved toward me. I'm clearly expecting him to just do some sweet hand motions with me but instead he grabs my waist and lifts me above his head. I'm not even kidding, it was a total...

I was recently explaining to a friend the toll that ministry had taken on me over the last year. As many of you know if you have been keeping up, I spent much of last year with intense panic and anxiety attacks. With the stress of youth trauma, suicide attempts, rapes, and demonic dreams, I was sick more than I've ever been in my life. I had an awful cold for 3 straight months, losing my voice for quite a few weeks, and I was throwing up with flu-like symptoms twice in less than a year. The stress and pressure of not being able to save these kids from the bad things that happen to them had led me to a heavy dose of burn-out. Unable to have normal emotions, motivation, or peace, I had to take a step back. At the time, I didn't really understand God's plan, or if it was His plan at all. These kids were my life, I didn't have time to step back from them! I was distraught and confused as to why I was seemingly being pushed by God to back away for a month and learn how ...