Revealing Grace

"Why are you so happy all of the time?" This is a question that lately I get asked more often than you would think. At doctor's appointments (of which I have been to a lot recently) they look at my quizzically as I smile, laugh, make light of serious things, and talk about my hope for God's supernatural healing. At my new job the kids make fun of my unwavering positivity, relating me to the weirdest (and most unattractive!) cartoon characters. I told my Arizona kids about this and they replied, "Yea, you were too happy for us too. But we got used to it."  Haha- there are worse things to be I suppose. What people don't realize when they comment on my "eternal optimism" is how great of a victory that is for me. I was always ridiculously optimistic growing up, but seeing my students on the reservation go through so much pain, and living in an unkind marriage, made me lose that joy for a while. For a couple of years I became an extremely a...

The other day I was out with a stranger (you know, as I do) and we were talking about our lives, our passions, etc. As this person talked I noticed that they described their life in terms of dates. When I mentioned this to him, he paused, and then replied, "I do talk in terms of dates. You talk in terms of blessings. " _______________________ If you are just joining the story, the last year of my life has been a doozy. Here is the run-down: A year ago my husband started the process of leaving our marriage 11 months ago he left me and I moved from Arizona to Georgia. 10 months ago I unjustly lost my job. 9-7 months ago I struggled with the divorce, the job loss, etc. and also worked at a pizza restaurant. The pizza was delicious. Oh and I lived in my parents' basement. It was glamorous. 6 months ago I started a new job. 5 months ago divorce papers were finalized. 3 months ago I randomly applied to a job in Dallas, Texas. 1 month ago I quit my job ...

Well ya'll, four days ago I officially moved to Dallas! For my second move to a new state within ten months I hopped in my car and drove twelve hours back out west on my own. Sometimes I step back and it hits me that this has been one crazy year. With multiple cross-country moves, huge life changes, and a smattering of different jobs, it has been quite the year of change! Thankfully, this move has been easy in almost every way. I signed a lease on an apartment I had never seen and when I arrived I found that it was perfect. The right size, the right amenities, and a beautiful view, I had stumbled upon my perfect oasis in the city. I began work on Tuesday to find that I love the staff, the organization is healthy, and the kids are phenomenal. After one afternoon I felt like I had been there for years. Even though it was a new set of kids and I have so much to learn about this organization, I have felt so at home every day this week. What has been so amazing to me about this m...

The other day a song came on when I was at work. It was one I had heard for the first time when I was in the depths of my sorrow. The song begins with the words "It feels like an ocean of sorrow is under my skin. Even the ocean eventually meets with the sand. Sorrow on sorrow I'm waiting, heavy I'm anticipating, trusting the current will carry me."  It brought tears to my eyes because in an instant I was back there. As if watching a playback of the last ten months, I saw myself in the depth of my pain. My heart broke for the girl whose world had fallen apart, who would sob hopelessly into the phone, in the bathroom, in the car. I couldn't get out of bed for weeks, and it was months before I was able to go outside of the house for more than an hour. It felt like an ocean of sorrow was welling up within me and I was certain it would never end. When I read back on the journal I kept I want to hold tight the me who felt so hollow, so empty, so ready for darkness ...

The other day I celebrated a birthday. Here I am, another year older, in the final year of my 20s. My friends and I have talked extensively about what it feels like to be almost thirty. The truth is we like it.   We feel more confident in who we are, more settled in some ways, definitely more sophisticated and healthier. In our twenties we have had different jobs, gone back to school, had relationships that blossomed and relationships that failed, and we have grown into woman that we like and that we want to be friends with.   Yet, as much as I feel like a confident and sophisticated 29-year-old woman, I have to admit that I still sometimes struggle with really owning who I am. Dating kind of makes you realize how confident (or not confident) you are in who you are. I have found myself often worried that I am “too Christian” or “too divorced” or “too tall.” I get nervous that I will be defined by something that in and of itself I am not ashamed of, but that perha...

This post can be summed up in three beautiful words that give me the greatest peace and joy to say: I am happy.  For so long it seemed like I would never again get to this point, that I would be dreary, sad, and angry forever. And yet, here I am, able to say that I have crossed the mountain that was before me. I am on the other side, and yes, as I predicted I am happier and stronger than I have ever been. The circumstances of the past year of my life cannot be erased and I will always walk with that experience shaping who I have become, but now I find myself walking on a path looking back at the mountain I have climbed and descended. It is behind me. I am free. And I am moving forward. The past few weeks have been filled with beauty. I spent a weekend by the river and the mountains of Chattanooga with some of the most amazing and fun women I have ever met (here is your shout out Mikella!). It was a weekend that made me feel sophisticated and proud of who we are as women in...

We tend to think of tragedy as those awful moments by which we can chart our lives. Thankfully, for most of us, those moments are few and far between- a one to five occurrence at most. But for a lot of "my" kids who live on the White Mountain Apache reservation, tragedy is commonplace. It comes knocking so often that eventually they just leave the door open. It becomes an expectation rather than a fear. It is always around the corner. Death, tragedy's best friend, strikes young and hard on the reservation I love. It isn't a thing reserved for grandparents or the occasional accident. It happens monthly. It affects people weekly. Young people on the reservation die in numbers that are unacceptable. The youth suicide rate on the reservation I love is 13x higher than the national average. That is beyond heartbreaking. In my four years working there 3 girls in their teens were brutally murdered. One woman was killed just a few yards down from our youth center while we...