Revealing Grace

My heart is elsewhere.  It is sitting among the sentinels of corn and among the whispers of the wheat. It is tucked next to a fire in a little house by the plains of the desert. It is on the sacred mountain of a reservation in Arizona. It is scattered among the people I love throughout the country and the world. My body is here, but my heart is elsewhere.  My mind is full.  Full of the mistakes I've made and the problems still left to solve. Full of ghosts and home videos. Stacked the brim with to-do lists and airy dreams for days ahead. My mind needs to focus, but it is already full.  My body is strong.  My heart beats with determination. My brain connects and controls. My arms lift and my legs power through. I may feel like this body belongs to someone else, but this body is strong.  My soul feels stretched.  Stretched between places and people that I love things I want to do and things I need to do guilt and ...

My couch is sitting in the middle of my living room and not in a cute way. It is shoved into the tiny walkway in my 600 square foot apartment because I bought a TRX so that I could work out at home but there isn't any room to use it unless I move the couch. But the couch has nowhere to go. So I'm currently turning sideways and shuffling to get to my kitchen. My dog literally just jumps across the top of furniture because there is no floor space. Speaking of dogs, I just found mine eating the bathroom trash. Seriously. Gross. In other news, I've been sleeping on the other sofa's twin pull-out bed for two weeks. Do I not have a real bed? No, I have a real king-sized bed in the other room, the room I am not using apparently. For a month I was waking up with back pain (the bed is less than three years old), so I moved beds. Now I sleep in the living room. Speaking of sleep, I couldn't tell you the last time I slept a whole night through. In fact, I can remem...

Hello sweet friends. Its been a while, hasn't it? I guess life has just been complicated enough that I'm not quite sure how to write about it. It has certainly been getting back to normal, if there is such a thing, although I always feel like I am walking a tightrope of health. Not enough water? Exhaustion. Not the right food? Exhaustion. Not enough sleep? You guessed it, I spend an entire day sleeping as my body tries to recover. It is partly that I push myself so hard, but I don't really know how not to. I push through waves of anxiety, times when I watch TV so my brain stops worrying, and alternating sessions at the chemo center with work, travel, the boyfriend, etc. Honestly, life in Dallas isn't what I expected it to be when I moved here a year ago. I've struggled to find friends and community and I struggle to find the balance between needing to rest and wishing I had more people I connect with here. I miss having a church. I miss having people that com...

Last week was Jeff's birthday, so let's continue talking about how great he is. But as a disclaimer, I know a lot of people who have a great partner and I know a lot of people who feel like they may never find a great partner. I write about Jeff not to brag or make it seem like my life is perfect. I write about Jeff because I have seen the trenches. I have been in the depths. I have visited the pits of hell. And I survived. And then Jeff walked up the sidewalk. And there was goodness again. I write about Jeff because for me, Jeff signifies the fact that even when all seems lost, happiness, joy, restoration, and peace can be right around the corner. Jeff signifies hope. So here is a little bit of our story:  Before I met Jeff, I really thought that my experiences made me a bit undesirable.  After all, I had been depressed, divorced, unemployed, lived in my parents’ basement, and then I got cancer. I wasn’t really a cut and dry kind of person. I was messy and com...

When you go through a divorce, so much is public. Heck, hundreds of people watched you make vows to another person and less than two years later you have to announce that it has crashed and burned. No matter how kind and understanding people are, you are wrought with the shame of the situation. It is embarrassing to be sure, no matter what the reasons behind the divorce were. So when I started dating Jeff, I found myself keeping much of our relationship close to my chest. We all know I love him and he is incredible, but I have found myself resisting the desire to write about our love in detail. I have had such public pain and hardship. Now I seem to want to protect my joy and happiness within the walls of my own home and heart. But I will tell you this: Jeff is perhaps the best human I've ever met.  He is perfect in his imperfections. He is pure of heart and kind in spirit. He is a hard worker, a precious gift giver, a servant who has the patience of a saint. He love...

This weekend, I turn THIRTY. And boy am I ready to leave my 20s! My twenties were the stuff of a good novel, full of plot twists and unexpected downfalls. They included a solo trip to India and hikes through vineyards in Germany. I visited 7 countries, received two degrees, lived in 4 states, and developed some of my best friendships. I fell in love, got my heart broken, and fell in love again. I worked as a missionary, as a content marketer in finance, and at a pizza restaurant. I poured my heart into my work, I raised a teenager for a little while, and I moved homes a lot. My twenties, though not entirely bad, were entirely different than I had imagined they would be. I went through seasons of hardship that were painful and traumatic. I endured a horrible end to my marriage, a divorce, and a cancer diagnosis. I went through multiple surgeries and chemotherapy. It is probably an understatement to say that the last five years have been incredibly difficult. Does all o...

After my previous relationship I had a lot of body issues. My significant other was always harsh on my body and when he left, I got serious about fitness. It was partly for me and probably in part to prove that he should have stayed. Either way, I got in shape.  When I moved to Dallas a year ago I was therefore in the best shape of my life, something that probably saved my life in multiple ways as I entered cancer treatment. I was thin, I was strong, I was toned. I was finally happy with my body.  And then I had chemo.  And I gained 20 pounds.  People said once I was no longer on steroids it would just fall off.  It hasn't.  Granted, with my work schedule, surgeries, and recovery I haven't been able to go to the gym every day, but I have been eating healthy and being mindful of movement. Still, I seem to be stuck with these new curves.  I take pictures and my face does not look like my own. I see more signs of wear and tea...