Soul Tired

After my fourth chemo I got on a plane and when it landed I headed straight for the beach. With my luggage on my back I walked straight onto the sand and down to the water. I bathed in the sunshine and for a few hours, everything was quiet.

Nothing is quiet with cancer treatment. There are so many conversations with doctors, peers, well-wishers, family, and strangers. There are a barrage of appointments mixed with work responsibilities, taking care of a home, and in my case, a dog.

Everything is busy and rushed and challenging.

While in chemo, I worked hard to not let it slow me down.

Now, I am still in tri-weekly infusions, recovering from a surgery, and attending appointments, and I am exhausted.

I am soul tired.

I long for quiet. I long for rest.

So much feels not ok. I am quietly afraid that the cancer will come back and next time, I won't be able to fight it. I am afraid that my life will be cut short. I am afraid that this nagging pain in my side is actually some unusual reaction to surgery that is worse than it appears (turns out it isn't. I just texted the doctor. It is normal nerve pain. She said to take it easy. Imagine that).

The point is, I am tired and that means I forget to respond to texts or messages, I fail to call and catch up with my friends, and everything falls to the wayside except for getting out of bed and going to work.

The truth is, I need time and space for my mind, body, and soul to re-calibrate and recenter. The truth is, I am not really ok.

And for now, that's just going to have to be ok.