Oh to Be ALIVE!

 It has been six months since I got the most unexpected diagnosis. It has been six months since cold chills flowed through my body reading the words I dreaded on my tiny telephone screen. It has been six months of tears, of hot showers to try and clear the bad thoughts, of making jokes in doctors offices, and closing my eyes for every blood draw. 

It has been six months of explaining sadness to my daughter, of leaning into each other when we could barely stand, and of accepting help, meals, babysitting, and prayers. 

It has been the hardest six months of my marriage. 

And then, one week ago today, I had my final chemotherapy appointment. 16 rounds of grueling treatment came to an end! Finally, the end of long naps, medications, side effects, coming to know my own face without hair, without eyebrows, without everything I counted on to be seen and known in a certain way. 

I have been devastated, afraid, and hopeless. I honestly did not think I was strong enough to make it through. I did not know how I would put one foot in front of the other to get to January 6th and end this stage of treatment. 

BUT I DID IT. 

I wiped away my tears. I pulled my shoulders back. I put one foot in front of the other. 

I taught my daughter what being brave looks like. I taught her the nuances of strength. I taught her that it is ok to be sad. 

I still have a long road ahead this year. I will have radiation, surgery, a port removal, monthly shots and daily medication. . . but I also have something I didn't have six months ago. 

I have an unrelenting joy for being alive. 

I have a deep and sustaining gratitude for every single milestone I get to experience with Emma. 

I have a peace beyond my fears and a strong belief in active and meaningful miracles. 

I don't have any anger that this happened to me, only gratitude that for some reason, I get to live. In sharing the story of my diagnosis, all I can do is gleam with delight that everything happened as it did and that I am going to live when I could have very easily have died. 

How beautiful it is to exist! 

How thankful I am for the pain that was my miracle. 

How at peace I am with what has happened to me. 

Six months ago I entered one of the hardest seasons of my life. 

And today I stand, surrounded by friends new and old, basking in the glory of being alive!






Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 13, 2025 at 4:36 PM

    Got to love the smiles. How great it is to have your mountain of a man to smile with!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJanuary 13, 2025 at 5:27 PM

    You are absolutely incredible! ❤️🙏

    ReplyDelete

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