Revealing Grace

Things can be hard, ya'll. I wish I could say that 7 months after my husband left and 1 exact month of being for real divorced, I am a fully functioning, emotionally stable being who is over it because God is still good and blah blah blah. But that wouldn't be true. I will admit that I'm doing a decent job at being a functioning human being. A majority of people who have met me in the last few months have no clue that my life was stomped all over with a boot covered in dog poo. And certainly, I will be the first to tell you that God is still good. But this sort of hurt, the stuff I have been through- it doesn't just go away.  And that sucks. It sucks because there are no quick fixes or magic potions. There is no amount of will power that can keep me from going ice cold at the thought of running into him one day. There is currently not enough truth in my head to keep me from doubting myself. In this unknown territory, on this road I never thought I would have to...

Ahh 2018. The sound of a new year. The sound of new opportunities. The sound of trying to figure out how dating has drastically changed since I was last looking for a potential person to date. The world is not like it was in college, my friends. They say that kind, single men in their thirties exist. But I don't believe them. So I decide to see what the fuss is all about. After all, there are plenty of online dating success stories. It worked in You've Got Mail . So why not try to find my own Tom Hanks in a chat room? With the click of a few buttons (and a lot of google searches to figure out how it worked) I created a profile on a dating app. I must say, it was weird. First of all, its so judgey! You get six pictures and a few words to not sound awkward, not accidentally make any sexual innuendos, and convince someone that based on photos and the wit of your profile, they should give you a chance. And the guys. The catalogue of guys. Oh man. Most of them lost thei...

Today I went to Target for the first time in ages and I bought a new doormat. I almost bought the doormat I had at my house in Arizona- a cute brown and black one. But at the last minute I switched it out for a new one, full of color. Sure, it was just a doormat, but for me it was also a moment of switching out the old for something that was fully me and mine, instead of holding on to what was. On the way home my friends Tiffany and Jeff called. It was an absolutely encouraging and strengthening conversation as we talked through what God is doing in our lives. I spoke of how deeply I feel joy now. Having been so entrenched in the darkness I now find joy so much more precious. I rejoice deeply in the joys of my friends and the joyful moments in my own life. I know how bad life can be, how despairing and hopeless, and so I seek to be grateful for every good thing now. The joy of my friends and the world around me is the most precious of gifts. Joy moves me and I hold tight to its b...

Throughout this whole process I have questioned myself. I have questioned my actions, my response, the things I should say, the perspective I should take. I have wondered if I should write about it, and if so, with how much detail. I have questioned because I wanted to figure out the “right” thing to do.  But I had no guide, no map, no precedent to follow. After all, I am a Christian and we do not talk about these things, let alone let them happen to us.   So a few days ago when I listened to a relatively transformative podcast by Rob Bell, I finally was able to take a breath and realize. . . I don’t actually need a map. I am the committee.   I can question what is “supposed” to happen or what everyone else thinks I should do, but really, I don’t need a committee to make my decisions for me. I am the committee and I can make those decisions for myself.   So, a few days ago was the anti-climatic “D-day,” the day my not-husband went to cou...

Today, on Christmas Eve, I sat in church and I felt the emotion of the Christmas story in a deeper way than I ever have before. Every song gave me chills, the scripture made me teary. I was overwhelmed. For here is a true fact: I love love.  Maybe it is because I now know that true love is such a rare and amazing thing, but any time I see or experience real love I feel the greatest joy. I love seeing my friends happy in their marriages or engagements, I love seeing families having fun together, I love how my grandparents care for one another. I absolutely rejoice when I see acts of love. It gives me life to see other people's joy. My therapist recently explained God's love in a way I hadn't imagined before, with an imagery that spoke to me: The short version of the Genesis story is that once there was the garden and everything was perfect, but we chose sin and had to leave. In that moment, God could have said, " Good luck out there, in the imperfect, diffi...

Last night I went to a wedding and debuted Meredith 2.0. Actually it is probably version 563.7 but we will say 2.0 just for simplicity sake. As a matter of fact, it was one of my "kids" (read: high school students that I used to mentor) that threw some wisdom at me the other day and impacted my decision to embrace the newer, better, brighter future. I was lamenting about a picture I had lost that had him and some of the other kids in it when he texted me, "They're all good memories but sometimes we have to. . . look forward to better memories." I know. Tell me about it. I "raised" good teenagers. As 2017 comes to a close I could easily sit around and wallow in what was and what could have been, but really that isn't too productive. The much better alternative is to put on my favorite sparkly shoes and a great dress and walk into a group of people with my head held high, my heart full of excitement for what is to come, and my feet full of fan...

I want my skin to be thick enough for nothing to hurt.  If only my heart was full enough that it no longer ached when I think of what was, what could have been, what is ending. I wish that my armor could shield me from the pain, the twisting arrow, the thoughts that I can't stop thinking. I wish that I did not care, that his ghost did not have the power to make me feel so broken. I want to forget the bad and forget the good. I want to stop loving someone who doesn't deserve my love. I want to go back and change my fate, my decisions, my trusting heart that told me to lay it all out for a person that would take it all and then walk away. I want to be as carefree and happy as he seems, instead of worrying that people will discount me for my story. I want to believe that all is well and all shall be well. I want to be stronger than the mess. But here is the truth: There is no strength that could keep this from penetrating my defenses. My heart is bound to beat wi...