Revealing Grace

I've started baking again. On the surface that statement seems meaningless, but to me it holds weight and resolve. It is symbolic of restoration. Who knew a pie could be so existential?  I've always loved baking, since I was young. When I moved to Arizona I started really cooking too- homemade sauces and meals- and I learned to love that as well. But baking has always bought me joy. After my husband left I stopped baking. I didn't see the point. I didn't have anyone to bake for and I had lost a lot of my joy. The effort seemed pointless. I could barely lift myself out of bed, why would I bake a pie? I can remember the first time I made a meal in that year of sadness. It seemed like a great feat, an accomplishment, a marker of my resolve to not just exist but live. I remember it being difficult. Not in a physical way, but as if I was climbing some wall in my mind and the task exhausted me. Making a pot of chili was equal to running a marathon. Yet, I could not...

Moving to a new city is tough, ya'll. I feel like I should be a pro at it by now, on the third go-round, but I still have days where I can't quite figure out how to conquer the challenges of a new place with gumption and bravado. Even the roads in a new city can be stressful. The roads in Dallas are crazy and trying to juggle directions, the pup, and the seemingly endless construction can be enough to make me a hermit. Moving to a new city can be lonely.  My first foray into a new city (Pasadena, California) took a lot of adjustment, but I was in graduate school so the ways to make friends were built in. I was in classes and an apartment where there were people my age, similar interests, and others looking to make friends in a new city. When you are 29 and working its much harder to meet new people. I suppose every person in the store or at my apartment complex could be a potential friend, but I end up just making awkward eye contact or mumbling to my dog. Sometimes I ...

I was just standing on my back porch, looking out at the trees, at the sweet family teaching their daughter how to swim. "I can do this on my own." I thought as I surveyed the world around me. "I'm ok on my own, for now. I'm happy. I'm happy with my life, with where I am. I am good doing life on my own for a bit."  It was a bit of a declaration to my sometimes lonely heart. Perhaps I believed it, perhaps I was trying to convince myself. Perhaps I honestly don't know what it is that I want at this moment in time. Whatever the truth of the statement was, I left it sitting in the humid Texas air as I walked back inside to take the dog out. When I opened my door, distracted by the excited pup, I was surprised to find a large box sitting on my doorstep. I picked it up and looked to see who it was from. Immediately tears began to fill my eyes. Two of my high school best friends, who I have not seen in eleven years, had sent me a care package.  ...

This morning I stood on my porch laughing like a mad woman. Why? Because it was raining.  I know, I know, for all of you people who live in places with monsoon season or places where the rain never quits, I sound crazy. But in Texas, at least so far, it hasn't rained much. And I love rain. Like I really, really love rain. It struck me as so amazing that it decided to rain this morning because just last night I had been talking to a friend who is on vacation in Colorado, lamenting that they were sitting in a mountain house listening to the rain, while I was sitting in an apartment listening to my skin crackle and die in the overwhelming heat. I began to question, as we often do when we are left alone for too long, why I had made the decision to move here. "Why didn't I move to Colorado?" I thought,  "Why did I come to Texas where I have no friends except the mosquitos that think I'm the greatest snack ever invented?" Just because it hadn...

"Why are you so happy all of the time?" This is a question that lately I get asked more often than you would think. At doctor's appointments (of which I have been to a lot recently) they look at my quizzically as I smile, laugh, make light of serious things, and talk about my hope for God's supernatural healing. At my new job the kids make fun of my unwavering positivity, relating me to the weirdest (and most unattractive!) cartoon characters. I told my Arizona kids about this and they replied, "Yea, you were too happy for us too. But we got used to it."  Haha- there are worse things to be I suppose. What people don't realize when they comment on my "eternal optimism" is how great of a victory that is for me. I was always ridiculously optimistic growing up, but seeing my students on the reservation go through so much pain, and living in an unkind marriage, made me lose that joy for a while. For a couple of years I became an extremely a...

The other day I was out with a stranger (you know, as I do) and we were talking about our lives, our passions, etc. As this person talked I noticed that they described their life in terms of dates. When I mentioned this to him, he paused, and then replied, "I do talk in terms of dates. You talk in terms of blessings. " _______________________ If you are just joining the story, the last year of my life has been a doozy. Here is the run-down: A year ago my husband started the process of leaving our marriage 11 months ago he left me and I moved from Arizona to Georgia. 10 months ago I unjustly lost my job. 9-7 months ago I struggled with the divorce, the job loss, etc. and also worked at a pizza restaurant. The pizza was delicious. Oh and I lived in my parents' basement. It was glamorous. 6 months ago I started a new job. 5 months ago divorce papers were finalized. 3 months ago I randomly applied to a job in Dallas, Texas. 1 month ago I quit my job ...

Well ya'll, four days ago I officially moved to Dallas! For my second move to a new state within ten months I hopped in my car and drove twelve hours back out west on my own. Sometimes I step back and it hits me that this has been one crazy year. With multiple cross-country moves, huge life changes, and a smattering of different jobs, it has been quite the year of change! Thankfully, this move has been easy in almost every way. I signed a lease on an apartment I had never seen and when I arrived I found that it was perfect. The right size, the right amenities, and a beautiful view, I had stumbled upon my perfect oasis in the city. I began work on Tuesday to find that I love the staff, the organization is healthy, and the kids are phenomenal. After one afternoon I felt like I had been there for years. Even though it was a new set of kids and I have so much to learn about this organization, I have felt so at home every day this week. What has been so amazing to me about this m...