Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Back at the Writing Wheel

You know that scene in The Notebook where Rachel McAdams says to her man, "I don't paint anymore" (Southern accents only please). Maybe it is a silly reference but in the movie you can tell that her lack of painting represents that she lost something in herself as her life progressed.

Well, the other day I realized, "I don't write anymore." I know what happened, but I didn't realize how significant it was.

You see, this past year has been a struggle. I fought tooth and nail with situational depression and anxiety for the first six months of the year as I stepped into a life with boundaries and had to come face-to-face with the impact of the trauma I had witnessed over the last few years. I don't believe that makes me weak, that the sadness of the reservation shattered me so. I believe it points to the spiritual warfare present there.

In truth, working on the reservation shattered my faith as well, though not beyond repair. I have had to wrestle with a lot of truths and lies. My faith in God was always without doubts until I walked onto the battlefield. The battlefield made me question so much, and I am still in the process of repairing all that has been broken. Thankfully our God is patient and kind, and He has been good to me in this process of trying to understand my purpose here. 

In those hard months I wanted to write but I didn't know how. The depth of my sadness and anxiety was still being processed, and I was unable to process that publicly. Any silly or superficial posts sat unwritten and though my mind still thought in terms of the blog, the half-finished ideas floated around without conclusions and without substance.

Even now my fingers struggle to find their pace again, struggle to let the words flow from my heart onto the page. Writing has always been healing for me but public writing such as this holds its risks- did I share too much? Did I make myself clear? I will never have the most readers or the perfect blog, but I believe that God can use my words to heal others, to let people know that they are not alone. I know there is a purpose behind this little piece of the world wide web.

I am happy to tell you that major healing has occurred in my life over the last year as well. I have overcome the sadness that was buried so deeply in my soul and I have been blessed by a wonderful husband, who though he did not always know how to handle the hard days, has stuck by my side and loved me so well. My ministry with the kids on the reservation is also thriving and they are such a happy and joyful part of my life and for that I am so grateful.

At any rate, I have decided to write again! It may take a while to get back in the swing of things, but I hope that God will spread these words to where they are needed.