Revealing Grace

Dating while in cancer treatment is weird.  When you have recently had breast cancer it gets even weirder, considering one of the first things you discuss is your boobs.  See?  It just got weird.  My point exactly.  So when my friends asked if I would be open to being set up with their favorite cousin, I was only cautiously optimistic. With our busy adult schedules, we planned a date at our friend’s home in San Antonio for a month and a half in the future. A month and a half to worry about all the normal things like, will I even have eyebrows when we meet? Like I said, dating while in cancer treatment is weird. So last weekend, just days prior to my final chemo, I put on my cute high-waisted jeans and a funky t-shirt to make me feel cute and wa-la. I was ready. Except I don’t think I was ready. I don’t think I was ready for him to find me beautiful, even though I didn’t feel that at all myself. I don’t think I was ready for him to accept the

I wanted it not to have an effect on anything. I wanted to believe that even though I was in cancer treatment, it didn’t have to touch the rest of my life. I pushed to never miss a day of work or do a job halfway. I traveled and hiked and drove halfway across the country. I started to date and pretend that everything was normal and the cancer was just a little thing. But the pressure of treatment was quietly doing a number on my resolve. The fact was, cancer treatment did have an effect on everything . With only the expectations that I put upon myself, I pushed myself to the breaking point. Constantly confused about why my white blood cell count never rose above the absolute minimum of acceptability since chemo #2, I pushed away rest and tried to continue on with my pre-cancer life. I put undue pressure on myself to perform when no one was asking me to. I took a trip to California and spent half of the weekend sprawled out on my friend’s couch.   I spent weeks communicat