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Showing posts from 2013

Here is to a New Beginning!

To my dearest readers and followers, I owe you an update. Though you may have better things to do than worry about my luggage and my old lady mouth, I think you deserve to know where everything stands (I love to sound dramatic). 1. My luggage is officially gone. "Gone like a freight train!" as my mother would say. It is unfortunate and sad, but really, life could be worse. So other than my new debilitating fear of losing things, its all good (except for the Delta employee that is going to get an earful from me when we discuss compensation). 2. My mouth is getting better. I still can't express all the emotions in the happy spectrum, but my new gums are fitting in fine and I have dreams of one day being able to crunch down on a cookie or an apple without abandon. So hurray for that! In conclusion, life, my friends, is good. Sure, I could sit here and complain and wail about this unjust world and the ridiculous airline industry (believe me, I have a rant that coul

Christmas, Cadavers, and Carry-ons

Disclaimer: I'm writing this while on pain meds, so please excuse any weirdness that may occur (or my worst fear, grammatical mistakes!). In addition, I'm writing this on an iPad, and we all know that technology without buttons confuses me. So...yea. On December 19-20 I gained something and I lost something.  What I gained was cadaver skin in my mouth... (I like the shock factor of that one.) But for real. I had to get four grafts literally sewn into my barely existing gums so my teeth don't fall out of my head. Go ahead, say it. I'm an old lady. It's true. I like Bing Crosby and Miracle on 34th Street and I'm blessed with a ridiculously difficult mouth. So my Christmas vacation has begun with lots of mashed potatoes, pain meds, and disgustingly frightening morning surgery. Woohoo! I spilled water all down my front trying to take a pill at the office due to my numb lips. So attractive. I looked at the doctor and said, "I blame you." So there

To Express It All...

If I could, I would build a fire and sit you down.  I would let you know that we would be there a while, so you should probably settle in. And then I would simply begin. I would tell you every. single. detail of this past week and month. I would tell you of the trials, the death, the sadness, and the hope. I would tell you about the kids who I am excited about, who desire to know God and to be better. And I would tell you the stories that are breaking my heart, the ones of lost opportunity, of bad situations, and of lives that will never be the same because of the terrible atrocities that become so unfortunately commonplace.  If we sat down for coffee, I wouldn't sugarcoat a thing. I wouldn't just tell you the good parts. I would tell you the truth. I would tell you about the helpless feeling when students cry because their parents are so messed up that they can't even be called caregivers. I would tell you of the devastation that is caused by bad decisions, and the sink

When ministry doesn't go as planned...

Today I'm having trouble getting anything done. At 3pm I've done....well nothing. I did eat, which was a big accomplishment, because it was my first meal since Wednesday (being sick trumps my love of food), but let's be honest, normal people do that everyday. So even though there are plenty of things to get done, I'm not doing any of them. Here is what I think has me stuck in....stuck mode (the sophisticated term for my condition): I think there must come a time in everyone's ministry where you stop to wonder if what you are doing is actually making any productive progress at all. You go go go and then you take a tiny vacation and you come back and find that the hope of making a difference has fallen into a well that even Lassie can't save it from (ok, that's too dramatic, but I liked the imagery so we are going with it). Sure, in your heart of hearts you know that you are doing a good thing, that it is important work, and that the fruits of your labor

Overcoming Mountains (or 1 particular mountain)

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A few weeks ago I climbed a mountain. Seriously, no exaggeration, it was an actual mountain, so high and grueling that I even had to pee in the woods by the trail. It was both a frightening and freeing bathroom experience. At any rate, equipped with rations, cute hiking shoe, and a pack of strong manly friends, I declared myself fit and ready for the 8-mile hike. I should have known that I was in for more than I bargained for when I barely made it through the drive to the hike. When the winding roads finally stopped and I stumbled out of the car, queasy and unsure of my footing, I was already considered telling my comrades to go on with out me. But I was the reason we were on the hike, so I had to move forward. The first mile I was fine. Though I huffed and puffed a bit as my lungs adjusted to the elevation, I was cheery and determined. At about mile 2.5 I changed my tune. We were steadily gaining in altitude and my body began rejecting every step. I was physically pushing my legs

Tips on Being Awesomely Embarrassing

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Being a mentor/guardian figure has it perks. One of those perks is being able to work with your kids on great accomplishments. The other is embarrassing them in the process. I think the second might be my favorite.  Case in point: Yesterday I got to assist one of my kids with an interview to win a trip to Washington DC. It was the second stage of the application process and we were floating on clouds of proudness.  So the night before she stayed at my house and we helped her with her final essay and the all-important outfit choices. Dressed in my bright blue sweater and Tiffany’s black pants (along with her converse tennis shoes) she looked ready to win it all. Up early we ate a solid breakfast of oatmeal and I tried to pump her up with advice on interview skills. I think I succeeded in thoroughly overwhelming her with “Don't forget, eye contact! Smile! Speak clearly! You’ve GOT this!”  I was excited. At 9:30 we were out the door and on our way. When we pulled up

Sharing the weight

I recently spent 5 days in the great state of California. As much as I love my job, I sat on the plane with a heavy weight on my shoulders, the kind you can actually feel pressing down upon you. The weight was the result of 2 months of work with high risk teenagers, and an innate desire to hand them my life in an attempt to make everything better. I was exhausted, so as I entered into the sunshine of Pasadena, I knew the trip could not have been better timed. Over the weekend I met with one person after another, sharing my story, my concerns, my woes and my joys. With each meeting, each hour, I was able to hand off some of my burden to those who love me. As I passed the weight from my shoulders, piece by piece, to each person I encountered, I watched as they accepted it and held onto it as their own. It was incredible to be a part of, for by the end of the weekend I felt physically lighter, and a great wealth of happiness and excitement was able to be released from the freedom I had

Advice and Vacations

I spend a lot of my time giving advice. Asked for, unasked for, I give all kinds. When I'm not giving advice I am usually worrying about it. Its a vicious and exhausting cycle. As I come close to two months of working with Apache youth I can assure you that I mostly feel inadequate and unprepared when it comes to giving advice to my students. My Master's degree was great, but it doesn't make me feel any more confident when it comes to dealing with the issues I come across every day. Some days I rock it, spouting out Scriptures and doing cool object lessons with chairs, but other days I feel like I totally miss the mark. What this all leads to is a job that wears on you without you noticing it. Listening to my students doesn't seem to make me feel exhausted or defeated, but the pressure of understanding their lives begins to quietly weigh me down. It isn't until it is too late that I realize I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I need a vacation.

The Taste of Rejection

Rejection.  For the great amount of love and affection that we get from our students, we always receive our fair amount of rejection. Generally it comes from the kids we have been loving on the most, the ones we believe in and spend the most time with. One day they are confiding in us, laughing with us, and begging for more time. The next they simply aren’t.  I know that there are many reasons why this happens, all amounting to it not being my fault. Perhaps they are testing the lengths of our love for them, or perhaps they know that no matter how many times they walk away from us, we will always be here waiting when they return. Or perhaps they are afraid, afraid of getting close and being rejected themselves. Perhaps they walk away out of fear.  Whatever the reason, it hurts. I guess it is a taste of being a parent. The ones you pour your whole heart into turn around and reject it. Certainly this must be how God feels when we turn our back on Him. It simply leaves me at

Tattoos on the Heart (a great book by the way)

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A lot of our students at Apache Youth Ministries have tattoos. Yes, that's right, a lot of our teenage students have permanent tattoos.  You notice them on their hands, their arms, their feet. Some (few from what I've seen) are professionally done. Most are homemade, which makes them look even better! (sarcasm). I've actually learned something new by openly asking about the strange marks on our kids. Apparently you can tattoo yourself with liquid eyeliner and a sewing needle. Yep. Who knew. Also learned that one of my girls pierced her lip with a safety pin in the Kennel bathroom last year. This job is certainly never dull. With the extraordinary amount of homemade tattoos on my students I began to ask myself why. Why do these kids in particular feel the need to mark themselves with liquid eyeliner and ink? I was reminded of something I learned in a fantastic class called Encountering the City. In the class we heard from a guy who was a graffiti writer. Just like tat

Llama love

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Today I walked a llama. Need I say more? Ok, I will say a little more. I love llamas. Coupled with giraffes I think they are the coolest animals on the planet. So basically today was a dream come true. And the best part? I can become best friends with this llama if I want to, because I know the llama's mama. For your enjoyment, here is the beautiful proof of my llama-walking adventure: Llama love. What more do I need?* *According to my dad I apparently need a life companion that doesn't have four legs and a furry neck...but what does he know! 

Musings at 2am

It is 2:00am and I am still awake. I don't know why but I am not the least bit tired. Perhaps it was the afternoon nap or the late night chat with a friend about life and love and the adventures that God dreams up for us when we aren't looking. Whatever it is, I am unable to rest my wandering thoughts so I will embrace them and let them roam until they grow weary. It has been quite the weekend, so it is a wonder that I haven't collapsed into the warmth of my covers. Last night's adventure included driving a 15 passenger van in heels. I was taking our kids from the Kennel to church "up the hill" and since we work every day at a youth center, I choose Saturday nights to dress nicely. I think I  did  go a little too far because I kind of looked like I was going to a benefit gala, but hey, I looked good in the White Mountains. So without shame I drove around the rez in my little black dress and my high heels and picked up 15 students, the most we have ever brou

To chase the moon

Last night I tried to capture the moon. Driving home over the mountains the round brilliance looked close enough to touch, big enough to wrap all the people of the world around, and clear enough to see not only the man, but the hills of cheese as well. I thought that if I could just get closer, following its glow in my car, I might be able to capture its brilliance on film. I'd never seen the moon so big and so close, and I wanted to remember it forever, to capture the truth of it so everyone would believe me, so that I would believe the memories of its grandeur. I'm telling you, it was like those pictures of the African sun setting on the plains, it was like nothing I've ever seen. So I chased it. I grabbed my roommate and my camera and chased the moon to try and get a clear view of it through the trees. When I found a spot where I could pull my car over I did all I could to catch it. I stood in the middle of the winding forest road while my roommate watched for cars.

God's Faithfulness to Hear

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The other day I went on a walk and I prayed. I prayed that God would bring back one of my students that had been MIA for over a week. I prayed that she was safe and that He would take care of her. That day at Open Kennel she walked through the doors.  God is faithful to prayer and faithful to respond when we ask, even if it is not in the manner we expect. Though there were troubles in the past weeks He brought my student back to our youth center safely, and we were able to rely on His faithfulness again as we prayed for her family and the troubles of her situation.  God has also been faithful with our programming here on the rez. Last week we had 14 girls at Bible Study. In addition to the girls there were probably 10 guys, our largest number of students to date. We got to meet with the girls as female staff and talk them through Exodus 30, a really awkward chapter. But even though the chapter is full of cubits and regulations we were able to talk about the truth of Jesus, o

Neighbors, God, and Groceries

God's provision is a beautiful thing. Today I took one of my students to the grocery store so we could pick up some food for her family. We had gotten to know each other better over the retreat weekend, and when she expressed the need I knew I had the funds and ability to take care of it. I thought of it as relief aid, but at the same time asked her to come work at the Kennel tomorrow in exchange for the groceries, for a wise professor once told me that "to be nothing but a recipient of services denies someone of their humanity" (Jude Tiersma-Watson). So this morning I got up and ready and went to walk out the door to pick her up for our adventure. As I opened the door I was surprised to find that there was a box of food lying on our porch waiting for me. I couldn't believe my eyes, because the one day I was going to go provide food for one of my students was the one day that a random neighbor decided to leave a box of groceries on our porch. This is not someth

Perils of Peanut Butter after Dark

Let me paint a picture for you:  It is pitch dark outside and barely 7pm. My arms are full of groceries, a computer, a random jar of half-eaten peanut butter, and other essential items. I am also on the phone. Did I mention I live in the woods? Like seriously, not even the suburb kind of woods, the straight-up outdoorsy kind of woods. Oh, and all our porch lights are out, because apparently we don't change lightbulbs.  The task: Unlocking the door to my condo. While I have succeeded in climbing the stairs without falling to my death, blindly finding the right key and putting it in the doorknob the right way proves to be more difficult than rocket science. Frustration begins.  First reaction to frustration of being locked out of my house (with the key in my hand), exclaimed to my mother who is still on the line despite the added obstacle of holding a phone to my ear while trying to juggle everything else (and despite the fact that I could have used the phone as a light

Impromptu dancing and the spirit of hope

When it comes to me and youth ministry there are a lot of impromptu dance parties, movie nights, and ice cream. And I do love it, this work here, the students I am connecting with, my awesome teammates that I live, eat, work, and breathe with- it is great. But as this week has gone by there have been little reminders that life here is not all dancing and soda pop. Little reminders like the bridge over the canyon being blocked off by two police cars, or a student not being home for church pickups because she left the night before and didn't come back, and not seeing her since. Little things that our students do or say at the Kennel remind me that this is not an easy place to live or work. I take my students home and I am reminded of the poverty and hardships, that though they might not recognize them, take a toll on their lives. But even still, I am constantly amazed by my students' tenacity and joy in the midst of this broken community. I am encouraged and boldened by the wo

Week 1 and loving it.

What a week. I cannot believe that just 7 days ago I was settling into my new home in Pinetop, Arizona. I thought it would take a while to get settled in, to feel right and at place here, but in truth it feels like I have been here for months. I jumped right in and already love everything about being here. This first week was definitely tiring, but rewarding. Each day I tried my hardest to be cool even though I am "old" (a student's word for me!) and although I probably tried a little to hard (ex. "Hey dog, what's up g?") I managed to make some friends among our students and begin to connect. In addition, I have also begun to build relationships with key people around the reservation, thanks to the networking skills of my fearless leader at AYM. It will take a while to truly know this place, but this week has been a great start. I have to say, I love spending my afternoons at the Kennel, goofing around, hanging out with students, and getting to know t

The Smell of Winter and Comfort

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My new neighborhood smells like Christmas and toasted marshmallows. Just one whiff and you are drawn into a world of winter, bonfires, and a deep sense of comfort. I think I may have found my dream home. Today I woke up to the smell of a fall breeze coming through my window and then just moments later the rain started to pour. Rain, hail, the chill in the air. . . I was thrilled. I threw on my rain outfit and headed into town. I was getting a lot of extra long stares in the grocery store and was priding myself in looking extra cute today, but then realized that they were probably just wondering who the new girl in the bright yellow rain jacket and red boots was. I'll take it. Then this afternoon I took some time to walk around the neighborhood loop, listening to the rustle of the pine trees and the quiet that only seems to exist in the mountains. All day I have been struck by the comfort that I feel here. Though transitions are not easy, as I have settled in these last few day

The Art of Departure

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2 years I began a blog with adventure in mind. God had changed a lot in a little amount of time, and this was the place to record all that came to be. As the months passed and the blog continued, it seemed that, in a way, this site had become a record of departures. In 2011 I left for  India  and then a month later left for  California . What followed was a significant departure for  Arizona  and finally, leaving the place I had arrived at just two years ago, I returned to Georgia . In just two short years I embarked on a moving train of change four separate times. Each departure was significant, life-changing, and not without its difficulties. Each led to adventure, discovery, passion, and growth, but brought their own share of challenges and baggage. And as I reflect back, I can see that what has been beautiful about all of these departures is that they have led to places and journeys that have formed me. Every chapter has helped to lead me to the station at which I stand today.

Dilemmas

Dilemmas, a key component of life. Today I have two, or three, and they are basically all insignificant. But read on my friends, read on. 1. Having finally finished the "student" phase of my life (20 years baby!) I am now faced with a new conundrum- the doctor's office paperwork. In the convenient little box named "occupation" I always got to bypass any silly questions about ambition or relevance and simply put "student" but alas, now that is not an option. A new dilemma has arisen for the first time in 24 years! It is has been pretty hard to decide what my perfect new title shall be. Youth mentor was my latest pick, but I feel like I can do better, you know? I considered "holistic development practitioner" but that wouldn't fit in the box, and "youth minister" or "missionary" don't sound quite right either (although both of those options did get me a discount on my future dental work. woot woot!). The latest i

In this world there is trouble...

But take heart, He has overcome the world.  Today marks the anniversary of one of the most significant memories of my childhood. As a 7th grader I stood behind the wall in our little hallway, secretly watching the television as people dropped from the burning buildings. In that moment I knew that I was witnessing history. What I did not realize at such a young age was that this was just one atrocity among thousands that happen every year all over the world. It is one of the hard parts of growing up I suppose. One suddenly realizes the extent to which the world is full of evil and death. My heart becomes quickly overwhelmed with the suffering of people I would consider brothers and sisters around the world. I try my best not to support these evils, working to buy fair trade, avoiding companies that I know have connections to slave labor, but I know that each little movement is just a small drop in a much larger ocean of injustice. Recently I have been reading a fantastic group of n

Kentucky to Carolina

If you asked me where I have been for the past week it would be easy to describe. It has been a porch-sitting kind of week, where the breeze or the rain drop in to say hello, enveloping you in a familiar sense of peace and provision. It has been a week where every moment makes it seem like, at least in this little corner, all is right and well. This past week I have traveled from North Carolina to Northern Kentucky and every moment has been treasured. I have been falling in love with tomato and goat cheese sandwiches, buying local cheese curds from a roadside stand, and breathing in fresh mountain air. I have been sitting on a porch swing in the Carolina mountains swapping stories of international adventures and memories of younger days with my grandparents, my mother, and my brother. I have been retracing my family roots as we discovered old pictures of bearded ancestors, the weddings of my grandparents, bell-bottomed pants, and trips around the world or simply around the farm. I

Blessings and Bravery

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Ok, have you been held in suspense for long enough? Are you tired of my vague language and allusions? Alright, alright, I will fill you in on alllllll the deets (well, not everything...since you probably don't care that I just ate delicious teriyaki wings and am considering buying a new lamp). Where to begin, where to begin. Let's just jump right in. The other night I received word of an amazing blessing, a huge donation, that covers my ministry budget for the entire year. It was perhaps the best thing that has ever happened to me because it was such a work of God. It was a feeling of the truest gratitude and amazement that 2 people in this world believe in the work God is doing among the Apache so much  that they were willing to make such an amazing investment. I was definitely the closest to speechless and dumbstruck as I ever have been or ever will be. It was like a big neon light flashing, "We believe in you! God has plans for you! This is where you are supposed

Can this really be happening???

I'm so sorry! It's been over a week without a post. I can't believe I haven't updated you all in so long! Goodness me. Well let me say, things be getting crazy. More details will come when I figure a few things out (when God does CRAZY things with fundraising I tend to want to check and double check to make sure I am seeing things right!) but let me just tell you, I am...speechless really. I am blown away. I am slightly freaking out (in a good way!) because I could not have ever imagined how much people would get behind this ministry. I am a Moses, lacking in the self-confidence, and a Abraham, making mistakes along the way, but you all are the power of God moving me along, showing me that this is BIG and that God has plans for the Apache people. I am blown. away. Eyes wide, no sound coming out of my mouth, just trying to grasp the greatness of our God and His people. Seriously, this is basically the best thing that has ever happened to me. So here is a slight reca

As the Rain Replenishes the Earth

It has been a rainy few days in Georgia. The sky is grey, the weather cold, and I am perhaps at my happiest. I love cloudy days. The smell of the air, the feel of the breeze, it reminds me of school days and the cozy stay-at-home days. Rainy days, in fact, are my favorite days. And just as the rain replenishes the earth, so has my soul been replenished this week. Last week my heart was wrapped up in the sadness and the disappointment of this broken world. It had been wrapped so tightly that it had lost sight of its purpose and its hope. But God is patient, and in the midst of the heartbreak He waited, and in His time, He shone through. He broke through all the junk that I had wrapped my heart in and unraveled all of the lies and the falsehoods that had clouded my view. And all at once the clouds broke. The sun began to shine in my soul again, and I remembered who my Rock is. I remembered the One who makes the rain fall and the thunder roar. I was reminded that where Christ is, the

The Danger is...

“The danger is when you have to toughen up and put on your emotional armor so that you will not be consumed by the misery that you see. Sometimes you reach a point when you have seen so much pain and sorrow, nothing gets to you, and the armor starts to corrode, the evil starts to eat through it, and you are tempted to despair of ever slaying all the dragons in the garbage dump no matter how hard you try. Let an ounce of cynicism into your heart, and ever so slowly, your whole system would be taken over, like a crippling virus that multiplied in your brain cells, leaving you in darkness and wishing you did something else with your life or tempt you to withdraw into a purely privatized spirituality or create an identity which does not come from the triune God.”  - Fr. Beigno P. Beltran ,  Prophetic Dialogue with the Poor, 20

Tested and Tried, yet always Blessed

Today there is good news. The good news is that God has blessed me enough to be 2/3 of the way to my leaving goal ! I am trying to raise $3600 of monthly support and I am currently at $2,035! Since I am planning to leave at 80% ($3000), I have less than $1000 of monthly support still to raise. That is pretty darn awesome. I have to extend great thanks to everyone who has contributed, both in one-time support and in continuing support. I have been absolutely overwhelmed by everyone’s generosity, kindness, and confidence in my work. Each day I am surprised and words cannot even express my amazement. You all have come behind me with such faithfulness, and it gives me such confidence that God has great plans for us as we partner to work with the Apache nation.  As I reflect on this past month of support-raising I can confidently say that this has been one of the most rewarding and most difficult seasons of my life. I could not have imagined how blessed I would be in this time,

The Art of Being Still (and how much I hate it)

Rest and stillness.  Two words that I do not like. I mean, in theory they sound great. In theory, they include a contented regiment of book reading, walking, cooking great meals, and quiet. In truth, they drive me crazy. As much as I would love to enjoy sitting around all day, and as much as I am sure all of my friends and family who work 40 hours a week might envy this period of my life, I'm starting to get a little frustrated. It makes sense why. I  am an on-the-go kind of girl, always busy and always moving. Last quarter I took an overload of classes, worked 30 hours a week, and still found time for a social life. College was the same way. I kept myself busy and I liked it that way. But three weeks ago I got plopped down in Georgia and told to sit still...for a month. Granted, the first few days were a thing of beauty. I stayed in my pajamas, I watched movies, I slept in...fantastic. But eventually I started to miss my job, the structure of places to be and things to do,

Put on your dancing shoes...things just got GOOD.

Mmmhmm Mmmhmmm mmmhmmm. That's right. I feel like dancing. I feel like jumping onto the roof and yelling to the world that our God is GOOD! (Can I get an amen?) Let me tell you, let me tell you what has got me dancing in the halls until my brother shuts the door! I had two meetings at my home church about raising support for my work with the Apache this morning. It was such a joy to get to share with so many loving people, and it was such a blessing to receive their questions and encouragement. It was a good morning. So tonight, I'm minding my own business, reading a novel instead of doing my homework online, and all day I have just left the phone upstairs because I figured no one would call and I didn't really need it. So upstairs I come, bugging my brother, complaining about the dogs, you know, normal "emerging adult returns home" stuff and I see I have a voicemail. I obligingly go through the other voicemails that have sat neglected in my inbox for weeks a