Revealing Grace

Let's be honest. Driving to Pinetop, Arizona last week, I kinda freaked out. One minute I was in Pasadena, with the world at my fingertips, and ten not-so-short hours later I was in rural Arizona passing Wal-Mart and the Boot Barn . Granted, it had been a long day, after a long week, and a long quarter, but it was just all a little too much to take in at one time. What had once been abstract was now real and unavoidable. As I moved my things into my cabin in the woods I realized that the future was here, and it included lots of trees and not a lot of city. I got worried. And not just because I am afraid of being in the woods in the dark.  My anxiety began to rise and I began to question these important decisions I had already made. Was this really  what I wanted to do? Did I really want to live in the woods in small town Arizona? The answer was honestly, at that point, a "no, not really." When I was alone in my new place waiting for my roommates to get home I h...

Last night one of my girls from the reservation had a healthy, beautiful, baby girl! It has been such a journey to get to this moment. My journey with her began when God made it possible for her to attend the Warrior Leadership Summit conference with me last summer.  I watched as He convicted her and moved deep in her heart. The whole trip was worth it just for seeing God work in her. Then, as many of you know, her boyfriend (employed at AYM and the baby's father) unexpectedly killed himself about a month ago. It was a great tragedy that is all too common on the reservation. Through this devastating death my sweet student kept her head held high, trusting in God through her sadness and looking forward in hope to the birth of their baby. And then last night she arrived. My student texted me when she went into the hospital and when baby Scarlett was born which made me feel so loved. I am so proud of her and the way she has handled all of life's blows. She is a role model to me...

hope   noun 1. the   feeling   that   what   is   wanted   can   be   had   or   that   events  will   turn   out   for   the   best:   to   give   up   hope. It is my opinion that hope is one of the main things that drive us in this life. The Bible talks about the hope of becoming like Christ and the hope of His return. We live in a constant state of hoping that things will  turn out for the best and that Christ will return and make everything right. Therefore it is one of the saddest occurrences I know of when someone chooses to give up hope and end everything by their own hand. Having been through the experience of losing someone in this way I know that it is so hard for those left behind to understand. Why was the love they had not good enough? Why did they not just talk to someone? What made it seem like nothing could get better, that death was the only wa...

Everyday we wake up and we have no idea what the day will bring. There is always the potential for amazing joys and gladness, which is our hope, but some days also have some sadness. Today is one of those days. I rejoice because I just came home from a bonfire on Huntington Beach. Talk about the good life. Around 45 Fuller students were there as we soaked up some sun, ate dinner together, and cooked s'mores on a beach bonfire. It was like an episode of the OC except we all love Jesus and weren't dressed so fancy. It was an amazing time of community and simply refreshing to be by the open water and the cool breeze. But my heart is so sad. It is like I can't shake it. I don't want to forget about the reservation, but every day my heart aches for my students there and I can't focus on anything else. I get a call at 4am or a facebook post and I immediately go into worry mode, wondering if my kids are ok, if they are getting into trouble, if they are on the right path...

I recently had my debrief for my time at the reservation. Sometimes things like a debrief can seem silly but after 25 minutes of conversation I felt like I finally took the first deep breath of air that I have had since I came home. As we recapped I was teary-eyed, thinking of my teenagers and their potential and struggles. This experience was so heavy and it still weighs on me, but not in a bad way. It is simply that I will never be who I was before my summer on the reservation. I will never see the world in the same way and I will never process the happenings of my life the same.  When asked, I realized that my biggest encouragement on the reservation was that I was able to build relationships with some of the teenage girls. These girls are so closed off and quite a few of them started off hating my guts. Yet the fact that by the end they would pull me aside and talk to me about the things they did not know how to deal with was the power of Christ. I could never have built ...

It is my last week on the reservation, and just as the first, the pain, suffering, and bad decisions are still so present. I have learned how to deal with the pain a lot better than the first half of my practicum. In the first four weeks the pain and stories sat like bricks on my back until the final piece of straw was lain there and it broke. The second time around (or second half that is) I have been able to receive the stories and sightings with sadness (for these things should  break your heart) but at the same time not let myself be overwhelmed by them. God has taken each moment of other's pain that I begin to cradle closely and picked it up, easily and calmly, as He puts it on His own back. The burden has been much lighter. The other night I was up on Prayer Mountain with a team and I was thinking of all the pain I had witnessed since I have been here: the dysfunctional and abusive relationships between parents and children, the marks on the arms of my girls, the bad decis...

What a blessed day yesterday was! Shall I share a few pictures to exemplify? I started my day with these cuties, my team for our basketball camp. My favorite conversation of the morning: "Malachi, a gentleman always gives up his seat for a lady." "Well I am a different kind of gentleman, I am a sentleman.....a selfish gentleman!"  Next in my day came this joyful moment! I got to see my dear friend Koral for the first time in two years, hold her amazing baby, and be reunited with two of my roommates and best friends from Spain. Amazing moment? I would say so!  Then I came home to the reservation where I live after a rainstorm. Amazing, right? So to recap, I spent the morning with amazing kids from the rez, drove through beautiful countryside to see my friend Koral (and Cassie) who lives in CHICAGO and hold the baby I have been longing to see since the day he was born, then came back to the rez to rain, worship, and an awesome last night wit...

It has been a busy week here on the WMA reservation. This week we are holding the annual Hoops on the Rez camp. This basketball camp has been happening every summer for eight years and some of the coaches have been coming here every summer since it started! The days are long (starting at 7:30am and ending at 9:30pm) but it is a spectacular time. It is so cool to see the elementary students engaged and listening, responding to love and encouragement. And it is so awesome to hear about how some of our Junior High and High School students have been coming ever since they were in elementary school! It is a true testament to how a short term trip can have a lasting impact. One of the great ways God has provided has been in bringing students to the camp. The day before it started I had 80 kids registered. This week we have had over 150 kids! What a blessing to get to pour into them through something they love. Now, lets be honest, if you know me you know my basketball skills are pretty ...

It has been a good weekend here on the rez. God has a funny way of taking the hardest weeks and ending them with the greatest joys. Its a great reminder that He is always in control, even when things get tough. We started the weekend with an awesome collaborative project with a church from Southern California. We started with a blank wall of the Kennel and ended with this: Basically the kids were given the chance to express themselves through art and my students chose the theme "love." It was awesome to see their representations of love through painting, their love for Christ and their fellow students that will come to the Kennel, as well as the love that was able to bring together students from SoCal and students from the rez. Let's just say that after I spent the morning crying out for God to show His love in this place I think He put the writing on the wall.  I also took three of my students to see the movie Brave up in town this weekend. It was an awesome ...

I feel like in the past couple of weeks I have often come to this blog with a heavy heart. Some may say I need a tougher outer layer but the fact of the matter is, I wasn’t made that way. I was made soft. I was made with a heart that takes the pain and hurt of others and cradles it tightly to my chest, wrapping it tighter and tighter into my being until it is a part of me. Maybe I should change this if I am going to be in ministry but this is who I am. I can’t change my empathy and I trust that God knew what He was doing when He made me this way. Some of you may remember this post where I told you about one of our students being murdered. The story of why it happened is upsetting and to this day I cannot speak of it without getting emotional.  Christina was only 15 and the men who killed her will most likely never be convicted.  After this happened Christina’s friends went into a downward spiral. They couldn’t deal with the pain so they disappeared from the youth c...

Where do I even begin? There is so much to say. So much to tell. Do I start with the details of my day? Or with the cry of my heart? I think I'll just start and see where we end. I have been here three days and I feel like I have been here forever (in a good way). I spend a lot of time with the short term mission teams here and today we picked up trash at the school grounds and then did a VBS in the afternoon. The days are exhausting but wonderful. It is such a blessing to see people serving God and loving on kids. Tonight we ate Apache burgers (fry bread is SO good) and then I got to meet a bunch of the Apache students as they came to hang out at the Kennel (the youth center) after their youth group. I was a crazy extroverted (white) nut dancing around and being silly, but I think it broke some barriers with the kids and I am looking forward to getting to be around them a little bit more. It is definitely hot here and I have to drink sooooo much water but every minute is absolu...

The stars! Oh my goodness the stars! It is as if I can see the whole milky way out here and I just stare and stare! What an amazing reminder of how amazing our God is! Tonight it is late and I have had another long but good day. I worked with the visiting church pulling weeds at the elementary school and then doing another VBS. Tonight we picked up the other intern and we are pooped! But I will leave you with one picture of my day: I am in the bed of a '89 pick up truck sitting with about 12 Apache kids and one adult/sister flying (safely) down the road as we go to drop them off at their houses after VBS. Can you picture it? Pretty cool, right? This is the life, I am telling ya! 

I am exhausted. What a long day it has been. I drove all morning through the wild wild west and arrived on the reservation about noon. I jumped right in, met the short-term mission group that is currently here, and headed to VBS. The kids were adorable although a little chaotic! Then it was an afternoon of hanging out with a few of the girls from the youth center, eating dinner, learning about the rez from the girls, and watching (NOT playing!) basketball. Basketball is a huge thing here so I have to figure out some tactics to get out of it. The kids don't believe me when I tell them how bad I am. At any rate, tomorrow it all starts again. Some things on the list of what to do while on the rez are: eat a pickle covered in kool-aid powder (?), eat or make fry bread, attend a rodeo, and ride in the back of a pick-up truck. That last one was already accomplished today. I felt quite the rez-girl riding in the back of the truck with the kids, although I am sure those driving by did n...