Soul Tired
After my fourth chemo I got on a plane and when it landed I headed straight for the beach. With my luggage on my back I walked straight onto the sand and down to the water. I bathed in the sunshine and for a few hours, everything was quiet. Nothing is quiet with cancer treatment. There are so many conversations with doctors, peers, well-wishers, family, and strangers. There are a barrage of appointments mixed with work responsibilities, taking care of a home, and in my case, a dog. Everything is busy and rushed and challenging. While in chemo, I worked hard to not let it slow me down. Now, I am still in tri-weekly infusions, recovering from a surgery, and attending appointments, and I am exhausted. I am soul tired. I long for quiet. I long for rest. So much feels not ok. I am quietly afraid that the cancer will come back and next time, I won't be able to fight it. I am afraid that my life will be cut short. I am afraid that this nagging pain in my side is actually so