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Showing posts from 2012

What Duck Dynasty Taught Me About Men.

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I've fallen in love.....with Duck Dynasty. Why have I not watched this before?? Ok, well, that would be because I live on the West Coast and don't have cable, but thankfully my good friend Jess and her lovely parents took me in and introduced me to this gem. I was in love within the first five minutes. First of all, their beards are ridiculously awesome. I'm not a fan of facial hair but I must say that anyone would be impressed with those beauties. Second of all, though they are totally crazy, there is something seriously attractive about a country man. The camo, the gun shooting, the mud and four wheelers...hot. There is a confidence in those men as they take charge, shoot beavers, and come together to pray over a family meal. Call me crazy, but I will just go ahead and say it, something about those guys is genuinely attractive, past the kind-of-gross-but-impressive beards. Therefore, being such a sophisticated and intelligent show, it led me and my delightful friend to

Home for the Holidays

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Mmm the sweet joys of being at home. Annoying my brother on purpose, pretending someone else will clean up my dirty dishes, having someone else cook the food... joy, sweet joy. It makes me want to stay forever...although I know in a week I might be singing a different tune. Isn't that the bittersweet joy of short times with people we love. We leave right before they start to annoy us and so we enjoy (most of) the minutes that we have with them. And I love how Christmas brings everyone home! All my little chickies from over the years at church, and all of my amazing college friends from around Atlanta. It is a great time for relationships, which makes sense because Jesus was all about relationships. So I would say this Christmas season is a grand success. Sure, there are things I wish were different, or people I wish were here, but as always the joy and goodness of my life outweighs the little inconveniences. I can never say that I haven't been blessed, that is for sure.

Another post about Christmas, tis the season!

I've been thinking about Christmas a lot lately, which makes sense because we only have a week before Christmas. It sounds cliche, but this is definitely my favorite time of year. I love the traditions and being with family, all of it is so cozy. But this year, I've been thinking about Christmas a little differently. This year Christmas isn't just a happy bubble of cozy for me. I can't stop thinking about the Newtown tragedy and all the other tragedies that happen everyday, all over the world. And I have been thinking constantly about my close friend Kyle who is spending this Christmas in Afghanistan, in the midst of war and death, far from those he loves. I think about the homeless and the woman I met at church who lives in the shelter. I think about the kids in the world who will go to bed hungry, or who will die from preventable illnesses. I don't mean to be a downer, but I don't think that I can just pretend all of this isn't happening as I celebrate on

Finding Hope in Midst of a Tragedy

Tonight I am so very sad. I sit here feeling as if my heart has been ripped out. I am angry, frustrated, and above all completely full of sorrow. I didn’t even hear about all of this until a few hours ago. I don’t have internet in my apartment and I was at work today, so when I went to a Christmas party for some people at church I hadn’t heard about the tragedy. And I don’t know the families involved in today’s shooting, but now that I know what happened my heart just feels so heavy. To kill anyone is atrocious. To kill children is a terrible terrible sin. I just keep thinking of the moms who sent their little ones to school and who are now going to bed in the midst of the worst tragedy they could imagine. It makes me just want to scream. I want to scream, “God why didn’t you stop this!?” “God, why won’t you just return and end this, end this sin and this terrible world!?”  And as I cry for the families I do not know, I see a picture of God in my mind, the kind He gives me in mo

The Feeling of Christmas (and how I pretend my life to be)

Tonight as I left work and walked into the dark a cold drop of water fell on my nose. The air itself was chilly (for California at least) and though I was only wearing a light jacket (and no socks), I let myself believe that it was snow. It made sense for it to be snow, even though I knew that was impossible, because I was looking at Christmas lights and I was scrunched up against a chilly wind. Believing that there were tiny flakes falling all around made me feel like the holidays were real and the feeling of Christmas was in the air.  Christmas break for me means that school is over (for now), I’m officially moved into my third apartment in less than two years, and most of my to-do list is crossed off. I will admit that the new apartment is adorable and feels like my own tiny home, but it also makes me want to be like a tv commercial. Feeling independent I want to go home to Georgia with my arms full of perfectly wrapped and thoughtful presents, wearing an adorably sophisticat

Dear finals week, I truly dislike you.

Well, my finals are finished. Its been a crazy week of unwashed clothes, strange meals, and people on campus looking seriously haggard, but all I have left is one quick revision and a trip to slip my (hopefully well-written) paper under my professor's office door. It has definitely been the most stressful, crazy finals week of my life and I don't say that lightly. Never have I worked so hard and so long on anything, in fact I don't even want to count the hours I spent on this paper! It has to be in the hundreds! Honestly the reason I worked so hard was because I want my professor to be proud of me and proud of my work. My professor is one of the most gracious and kind grandpa-sort of men and his class was such a joy.  (This was the class where I was the only girl, asserting my awesomeness and knowledge in a class of boys, half of whom are getting their doctorates in church history.) In truth, I am really going to miss this seminar. Ok, I am not going to miss the insane wor

Finals, soaked in stress and self-pity.

I'm stuck in the middle of a stressed-out, overly tired, pity party this week. The amount of quality research and pages I have to churn out in the next few days combined with moving apartments next friday, the life changes of all my friends, and a general desire to just pity myself in sweatpants instead of acting like a grown-up have all combined to make me a mess of a human being. So prayers are appreciated, that I will survive the next five days without a breakdown and that I will remember to eat meals while spending endless hours in the life-sucking quiet of the library. And maybe, at the other end of this ridiculous week, I will present you with some positive insightful reflections. But not now. Now there is no time for that. Duty calls and I must put on my academic thinking cap and search for the light at the end of this disastrous finals week tunnel. 

Eccentricity>Disfunction

I have recently received a few notes from certain undisclosed family members mentioning their consternation at being called "dysfunctional" in my Thanksgiving post. It is their opinion that we function quite well as a family, and therefore they request to be called "eccentric" instead.  I will more than gladly call my family eccentric, and just to smooth things over I will also add the following adjectives: jovial unpredictable chummy one-of-a-kind -and- kooky (The thesaurus is such a helpful tool.) Hopefully this thoughtful use of descriptive words will calm the hearts of my most beloved uncle and grandfather and remind them that Thanksgiving with eccentricity is always exciting and that they obviously would like to keep me in the wills. Please and thank you. And on a note of dysfunction, I am  dysfunctional at being productive with this incredibly difficult 30 page paper I need to perfect in exactly 7 days. By the grace of God I will finish it and be

New Life

Last night one of my girls from the reservation had a healthy, beautiful, baby girl! It has been such a journey to get to this moment. My journey with her began when God made it possible for her to attend the Warrior Leadership Summit conference with me last summer.  I watched as He convicted her and moved deep in her heart. The whole trip was worth it just for seeing God work in her. Then, as many of you know, her boyfriend (employed at AYM and the baby's father) unexpectedly killed himself about a month ago. It was a great tragedy that is all too common on the reservation. Through this devastating death my sweet student kept her head held high, trusting in God through her sadness and looking forward in hope to the birth of their baby. And then last night she arrived. My student texted me when she went into the hospital and when baby Scarlett was born which made me feel so loved. I am so proud of her and the way she has handled all of life's blows. She is a role model to me

The Life of a Nomad

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"Not all who wander are lost," they say. They tell you, "travel the world!" But no one seems to write an inspirational magnet about the wandering getting tiresome. They don't tell you about the process of packing your bags and the anxious waiting for the next place to make itself known. When young and irresponsible the nomadic life seems full of adventure and dashing young men, but in truth it brings a rich life and a poor bank account.  Yet I'm a walking dichotomy. I don't want to sit still or settle down. I want to travel and have new adventures. At the same time I want a home and a family and a bank account with at least one more zero at the end.  So what is there to do, other than pack my bags one more time, and pray that all this wandering will eventually lead me to where I am supposed to be. What is there to do other than enjoy each piece of the journey, no matter how small or short, and throw my hands up in resignation about my future.

Thanksgiving in the South Ya'll!

It has been two years since I have been home for a Thanksgiving. As we drove to Tennessee I couldn't remember the last time the four of us had been on a road trip together. It is the one problem with adventures, they seem to interfere with being close to the ones you love on a regular basis. As we arrived in Gatlinburg, Tennessee the week began and I quickly remembered my Southern roots. First stop was the knife store followed by a walk down the "redneck-vegas strip," ripe with tacky, trashy glory. Candy shops, beef jerky stores, plenty of ways to waste money, Thanksgiving was here.  Thanksgivings with my mom's side of the family are always full of the wonderful kind of disfunctionality that only families can provide. This year was no different. There were late night runs to the Moonshine Holler with my cousin to taste moonshine out of communion cups and another late night trip for foot-long corn dogs, because it isn't Thanksgiving without a foot-long corn

Mini-Update

Well kids, it has been riveting so far in Georgia. It is as if my bones go floppy when I go into my parent's house and I just lay on the couch like a total bum. It is fantastic. My mom and I did all the fun things, like shopping, nails and hair appointments, chatting (I told her no one wants to listen to me chatter so much about nothing in real life so it was nice to just talktalktalk), and more quality time activities. And tonight my bro is home! Which is super cool, although he looks so grown up it weirds me out. I just want him to be my little brother again. But tomorrow we head to the great state of Tennessee where the mountains will most likely be gorgeous and the food will be abundant. Family time awaits, and I certainly have a lot to be thankful for. Cheers! P.S. It has been a JOY to spend time with the lovely Jess and to get a call about my sweet Brittany's engagement while home. Time goes on and lives change, but there are some friends that last through it all.

A Love Affair with Airplanes

East Coast, I have arrived! The plane flight was quite pleasant and I did quite a lot of good thinking. In fact, I do my best thinking and writing on airplanes. I don't know why. It might be the clear-headedness that comes from being forcibly disconnected, flying through the air just me and my thoughts. Four hours of time kill, being neither here nor there. My mind tends to turn to the limbo that is my life. I become suspended between the many places called home and my mind flies to memories, connections, wonders, and in the moment, a deep breath of reflection. Or maybe it is being surrounded by so many people in such close quarters, yet knowing none of them, that makes me reflect and imagine. Everyone has their own agenda, their own lives, but for these few hours we are together, our walks of life converging. As I reflect on the lives of these strangers I begin to reflect on my own meaning and purpose. What story do they make up for me? What is the story I imagine for myself?

My 201st Post. Woohoo!

Guys. My last post was my 200th post. 200! Wow! Can you believe what a journey we have been on in 200 posts? I mean, recently I have been thinking that my posts lacked a certain fervor, or really, have been quite lacking in the interesting or worthwhile department, but maybe, with the knowledge of 200 posts propelling me forward, I will begin to enrich your lives again with my wit and insight. We shall see. As for my two-hundred-and- first post all I have for you is that I am stressed. In fact I had written this really great post about how not being stressed is the key to life when I realized that would be pretty holier-than-thou to publish when I'm losing sleep over the amount of things on my to-do list. Maybe I should read my own blog posts and advice. Actually sometimes I do read my own blog posts and I find myself really funny. But for all my Georgia readers...I'm coming home on Friday! And then I am going up to Tennessee where Fall will be in full color and cold w

Two Degrees of Separation from THE Clint Eastwood!

Last night  I got to babysit for a family I haven't been to before. The little girl at this house told me they weren't babies so I technically couldn't sit on them like my job description stated so that was a nice perk. I'm not very fond of sitting on babies.  I don't know how it happens but I always get to babysit for the coolest families around here. It almost makes me not want to move (almost). This family, who I was referred to by my other family (score! I passed the awesome babysitter test!) produces and directs with Clint Eastwood . Movies like Million Dollar Baby, Letters from Iwo Jima, Gran Torino, and most recently, Trouble with the Curve. How awesome is that? They were so down to earth and really lovely people (and their house was amazing!).  But back to the point.  Every time I babysit for one of these amazing families it makes me recognize a slight stirring in my heart. And then I realize that all I really want is to take all this love tha

The Crazy World of Sleep

I recently had a dream. Not like a "I have a dream" kind of dream but the normal "I'm sleeping but my brain is still running" kind of dream. I have to say my dreams are basically like living with my eyes closed and sometimes I am amazed at my brain. If I am really into reading a book or certain schoolwork I will dream in books or schoolwork, like for a while I was basically writing these really good books in my sleep but I always forgot them when I woke up. Such a shame. Anyways, I digress. Here was my dream: The dream began with someone parking my car so that I could go to some royalty event where I stood in for Lady Such-and-Such and wore a gorgeous ball gown and waved to the crowds, much to the chagrin of the Royal brother (that was all from tv I have watched recently). But when I woke up the next morning one of the ladies rushed in to tell me that we had forgotten about my car and that I probably had a ticket because we had left it there too long. In a pa

Jumping into the Deep End of Life

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All of life had been the climb. With each step up she had the knowledge that once she got to the top she would have to jump a long way down, but it had seemed so far off it didn't really seem to matter. As she climbed she had a lot of time to think, to plan, to stop along the way but then, before she knew it, she was there. The long board stretched out before her but as she walked the final years before the jump the board seemed to get shorter and shorter. And then she was really there, in her cap and gown, with nowhere else to go. Partly she wanted to turn back, but she knew it wasn't possible to relive the 22 years of the climb. So she jumped. She jumped into the world that had been awaiting her all of her life, and as the first year passed she prayed that she wouldn't fall too hard.  Over a year after the jump she still hadn't quite figured out how to swim in the deep waters of the real world. Yet with each wave she had begun to realize that she was continually

A rambling that seems to have a shopping theme.

Is it that time again? The time of the week where I procrastinate and write to you instead of doing the myriad of tasks I should be doing? Ah yes, I think it is that time. Well, let's see. I could report on my state of life, shall I do that? Ok, well then, I just realized I have my shirt on backwards (thankfully I haven't left the apartment since I changed into it), I discovered I have a deep love for grocery shopping (not just because I like to eat), and I woke up at 6am yesterday to go shopping (women turned into vultures and everything was four dollars!). Let me start from the beginning. Don't be worried, I have a history of wearing my clothes backwards on accident. In elementary school it was the red gingham dress made out of the extra material from my curtains. In college it was the sequined dress that had a confusing neckline. So really I am not going to worry too much that my lack of sleep is impacting my sanity seeing as I seem to just be continuing a rather un

The Logic of Cupcakes and Friendship

There seem to be special moments in life when something you have always known suddenly becomes real. It is like a lightbulb suddenly brightens even though the switch was always on. For example, the day in high school when I realized that a cupcake was a cake...in a cup. Magnificent logic! Tonight was a similar moment. All of a sudden I thought to myself, Wow. I know some really amazing people.  Obviously that seems slightly mundane and normal but hear me out. Tonight I realized that I have had one friend for 18 years. 18 years! That is so long it is ridiculous! Though we have lived far apart for a long time now I can still count him as one of my dearest friends and I am so blessed that we are still involved in each other's lives, even if sparingly. Or get this. I have a family in India who let me name their baby. One day I will get to hopefully hug this amazing little boy but for now, how blessed am I to have made friends in India who loved me enough to let me name their first s

Oh How God Speaks!

"God will see to it that the man who finds him in his earthly happiness and thanks him for it does not lack reminder that earthly things are transient, that is is good for him to attune his heart to what is eternal, and that sooner or later there will be times when he can say in all sincerity, 'I wish I were home.'" -Bonhoeffer, Letters from Prison  So I am sitting in a coffee shop reading Bonhoeffer's letters from prison and I am just in meshed in this reading. I feel like I am getting this intimate peek into his life and his struggles and he is so real it starts to feel like he has written these letters to me. I resonate with his pain, his sorrow, his optimism and his tiredness. I become sad with him and hopeful with him.  And as I am reading these letters I just start to have these aha! moments.  As he talks about separation from loved ones and times of war I stop and pray for my friend Kyle who is in Afghanistan, and for the loved ones who I know are m

Eye Twitch and Awkwardness

In 2003 I was a high school freshman with an eye twitch. Still stuck in that horribly awkward middle school stage where I had grown ten inches in three years and still didn't quite know what do with my hair, I was stressed out. I had entered into a high school program that was the equivalent of most people's freshman year in college and I was working hard to keep up. The classes were tough and seemed designed to weed out the weak, and I wondered if someone somewhere was giving me the stink eye, out to get me with integrated calculus and 7:30am classes. Though I was smart enough to get into the program, the other 99 kids all seemed a lot smarter than me. Hence the eye twitch. With awkwardness and stressful schoolwork combined, my nerves were on edge. So tonight, in 2012, I came home with an eye twitch and instantly recalled that this had happened before. I immediately reassured myself that at least this time I could endure with great hair and good fashion (let's admit, I

'Tis the Political Season

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Politics. First reaction? Bleck. The bane of my existence (dramatic much?). Boring. Dumb. But alas, I am a grown-up with the right to vote and this time around I happen to be in a politics class. Theology and Politics to be exact. Yep, that's right. The only girl in a class of eight boys with a male professor. They are all married, so don't get your hopes up for me. I strut into that class in my pink cardigan with my silver heart hair pin and pull out my purple pen instead of the pink one because, you know, I don't want to look too girlie. I have to assert my tough I-don't-take-crap-from-nobody side. I think purple pens illustrate that pretty well. At any rate I love the class. It is more a historically based class where we read the greats like Ragatz, Barth (silent h), and Bonhoeffer. And I hold my own because obviously girls are just as smart as boys. But when I come home and turn on the Vice-Presidential debate I get a head-ache because apparently politician

Hope

hope   noun 1. the   feeling   that   what   is   wanted   can   be   had   or   that   events  will   turn   out   for   the   best:   to   give   up   hope. It is my opinion that hope is one of the main things that drive us in this life. The Bible talks about the hope of becoming like Christ and the hope of His return. We live in a constant state of hoping that things will  turn out for the best and that Christ will return and make everything right. Therefore it is one of the saddest occurrences I know of when someone chooses to give up hope and end everything by their own hand. Having been through the experience of losing someone in this way I know that it is so hard for those left behind to understand. Why was the love they had not good enough? Why did they not just talk to someone? What made it seem like nothing could get better, that death was the only way out?  The reason this is on my mind is because one of the students on the reservation I lived at this s

Enjoy!

"Every man must give account on the Day of Judgement concerning the good things he refused to enjoy." -A Rabbi whose name I forgot to write down in class I love this quote because we so often get bogged down in life that we forget, or refuse, to enjoy all the good things we have been given. So today, and tomorrow, and the next day, let's make a point to enjoy all of the lovely things we have surrounding us. I assure you, if you look closely, there are many. 

A Shift, But Not A Positive One

Every day we make choices. And the hope is that we make the right choices, that we choose the good outfit and we fill our time wisely, that we treat other people with love and we never say the wrong thing. And as much as I tell myself that I do make the right choices and as much as my mother swears to me that I am perfect, the truth of the matter is, in the last month especially, I have not succeeded. It seems that in the last few days I have been given a continual wake-up call that I have in fact, been oblivious to my true actions and their consequences. For the past month I have been different than what I would say is my normal self. I thought I was fine, being myself, being emotional when appropriate, angry when called for, and doing what needed to be done. In my mind my summer had been hard therefore I was entitled to some time to process and recover, to be alone and be upset. But what I was really doing was being selfish and isolating myself from those who have cared about me thr

Three Cheers for School!

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Emotions run high and low on this blog, probably because when I don't have strong emotions posts are boring. Therefore you guys only get the best and the worst of my daily life. Interesting for you I hope! Today is a post of joy. School has started.  It is the day many young people dread and the day I look forward to with giddy anticipation. By the time my class started last night I had been up for over twelve hours and had worked for 10.5 of them, but as soon as I got home and threw on my backpack I was totally pumped. Obviously this could make me a total nerd but I prefer the term "lover of learning".... which actually makes me sound even nerdier. Anyways, here is why I love the fact that school has started: 1. The weather is finally turning California cool. Today I read on the grass under a tree and it was perfect and Anne-of-Green-Gables-like. There was a pesky ant and crazy squirrels but in this moment of positivity I am pretending they were not there. 2. New fr

The Inevitability of Chaos

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I love this picture. I was in Southern India, seeing some sights, and I wanted my photo taken with the amazing background I was surrounded with. The aim was to look gorgeous, well put together, and world-traveler-esque in my Indian outfit on this foreign land. Well, the wind got the better of me and right as the picture was snapped my long shirt flew up, revealing my pale stomach and my three-sizes-too-big pants. In the moment I had no idea what to do as I assumed this was most inappropriate yet also had no way to stop the crazy winds. When I looked back at the picture I simply laughed, realizing that this was probably the one that most captured the essence of my trip. Though I was trying my best to fit in and do the right things I was still being blown about by the wind and in the end I had to realize that sometimes things don't turn out as planned. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and realize you really have no idea what you are doing.  I just put this pictur

Who Knew Being a Soccer Mom Was So Much Fun?

Let's face it. For the last few days I have been a grump. I have eaten copious amounts of chocolate, spent an entire day sleeping and watching movies, and been rather snappy (not in the good way). I might blame it on the amount of perkiness and pretend joy that the producers of Let's Make a Deal made me have last Friday, but in truth it was a bit more than that (read my last post). So I want all of my readers to know that I have officially found the cure to grumpiness and a slew of bad days: Soccer practice.  Now before you all begin to worry that I really have gone wacky I will assure you that I of course did not attend soccer practice because I joined  a soccer team. We obviously all know that sports are not in my repertoire of fabulous qualities. I was actually attending the soccer practice of a 2nd grader. (Yes, be jealous of my life).  Tonight I was babysitting for one of my favorite families and I got to meet him and his six year old sister at soccer practic

A Pervading Ache for A People I Love

Everyday we wake up and we have no idea what the day will bring. There is always the potential for amazing joys and gladness, which is our hope, but some days also have some sadness. Today is one of those days. I rejoice because I just came home from a bonfire on Huntington Beach. Talk about the good life. Around 45 Fuller students were there as we soaked up some sun, ate dinner together, and cooked s'mores on a beach bonfire. It was like an episode of the OC except we all love Jesus and weren't dressed so fancy. It was an amazing time of community and simply refreshing to be by the open water and the cool breeze. But my heart is so sad. It is like I can't shake it. I don't want to forget about the reservation, but every day my heart aches for my students there and I can't focus on anything else. I get a call at 4am or a facebook post and I immediately go into worry mode, wondering if my kids are ok, if they are getting into trouble, if they are on the right path

The Ticking Clock

The clock next to my bed is an old-fashioned looking one that makes that *tick tick* noise as the seconds pass. Yesterday I looked at the clock and realized that the second hand was actually shivering between two points with each sound, so the ticking meant nothing.  Maybe this is why time seems to be moving so slowly these days.  Maybe the clock wasn't ticking away time after all. 

Summer Livin'

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Ahh, early September. The beginning of the school year, going back to work, the daily grind, hours and hours and hours of free time...wait, is that last one only me? I know you are starting to hate me right now but honestly the amount of free time I have currently is ridiculous. I have organized our freezer, painted and repainted my nails, rearranged all the furniture in my room, and read three books....free time is starting to wear on me. But don't worry, I won't complain. Since I know as soon as the quarter starts I will be inundated with paper writing and schoolwork (despite popular belief at Fuller that I can write papers in roadrunner-like speed) I thought I should try and make the most of my free time in LA, while on a strict(ish) budget. So here are a few pictures of where my LA adventures have taken me in the last two weeks. Maybe if you mix up some homemade salt water and put on the sound of seagulls you can pretend you are adventuring with me. Manhattan Beach

A Debrief and a Full Breath of Air

I recently had my debrief for my time at the reservation. Sometimes things like a debrief can seem silly but after 25 minutes of conversation I felt like I finally took the first deep breath of air that I have had since I came home. As we recapped I was teary-eyed, thinking of my teenagers and their potential and struggles. This experience was so heavy and it still weighs on me, but not in a bad way. It is simply that I will never be who I was before my summer on the reservation. I will never see the world in the same way and I will never process the happenings of my life the same.  When asked, I realized that my biggest encouragement on the reservation was that I was able to build relationships with some of the teenage girls. These girls are so closed off and quite a few of them started off hating my guts. Yet the fact that by the end they would pull me aside and talk to me about the things they did not know how to deal with was the power of Christ. I could never have built thos