Friday, September 28, 2012

A Shift, But Not A Positive One

Every day we make choices. And the hope is that we make the right choices, that we choose the good outfit and we fill our time wisely, that we treat other people with love and we never say the wrong thing. And as much as I tell myself that I do make the right choices and as much as my mother swears to me that I am perfect, the truth of the matter is, in the last month especially, I have not succeeded. It seems that in the last few days I have been given a continual wake-up call that I have in fact, been oblivious to my true actions and their consequences. For the past month I have been different than what I would say is my normal self. I thought I was fine, being myself, being emotional when appropriate, angry when called for, and doing what needed to be done. In my mind my summer had been hard therefore I was entitled to some time to process and recover, to be alone and be upset. But what I was really doing was being selfish and isolating myself from those who have cared about me through the whole process.

It takes quite a friend to tell you the truth and not be afraid of the results. I do appreciate those kinds of friends and I am blessed to have a few here in California, the kind that don't validate your bad behavior but remind you of your true actions. I don't like the feeling that comes along with the truth but the pain of knowing your faults is helpful for the change you hope it brings. You see, I was blind to my own faults, and when my friend peeled the layers off of my eyes, the layers of self-pity, preoccupations, and selfishness, I realized that the truth was I haven't been honoring my commitments.  I don't know what I thought I was doing or why I have been the way I have been, but in truth tonight I feel quite regretful. I have lost an entire month to a bad attitude.

What makes me regretful is that this person is not who I am. I feel like my reputation is usually that I am bursting with positivity, always available to help people out and make new friends, and always giving more than I take. But I think I got mixed up in California. I figured since I was only here for two years none of those things were important. I didn't need friends, I didn't need to get involved or be known. I left college and I got lost and when it came time to make choices, I made the wrong ones. Instead of choosing to make the most of my time here I have covered it in negativity and self-seeking motives.

So tonight there is the feeling like someone just pulled a lot of bandaids off my skin really fast, but I am hoping that in realizing this, the skin under those bandaids has become new. All the scrapes and bruises that I caused this past month, all the mistakes and times I have been selfish and wrong are healed because of grace.

Look at that, full circle. The name of the blog is revealing grace, but maybe I never realized that God's grace is revealed when we are at our worst. When we have failed those around us, when we have chosen an attitude of negativity instead of joy, and when we have reached our lowest point, this is when we realize that God's grace is big enough to cover that. And this is when we see that in turn, the grace of God's people can also be big enough to cover our sins and our failures.

I hope that those here at Fuller who have loved me through all my ups and downs will be rewarded richly in heaven, for I am not sure I would have put up with myself if the shoes had been on the other feet. I am undeservedly blessed by these friends and as sad as I feel for wasting the last month I choose to take this wake-up call as a new start. Tomorrow is a new day and I intend to live in the truth that I have been covered by the grace of the one true God.

And if that doesn't make someone positive then I don't know what does.


2 comments:

  1. ...joy cometh in the morning...this day expect to find it...i love you...blessings and hugs elaine/ccww

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  2. ...joy cometh in the morning...this day expect to find it...i love you...blessings and hugs elaine/ccww

    ReplyDelete