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Showing posts from 2014

Beauty in the Unexpected Turns

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A few months ago I was walking around the streets of Baltimore with a dear friend. . . hopelessly lost. In the midst of the joy of being together on an adventure we had utterly forgotten where the car was parked. As the miles and hours passed (oh yes, we were lost for that long) we began to get frazzled and a little frustrated with our inability to be where we "needed" to be. As we sat in a little coffee shop, windblown and tired, I decided that if we were going to be lost we might as well enjoy it! There was a sort of beauty in being lost and lost with a friend. So I pushed aside the growing frustration and decided to let the unexpected beauty fill my sight. As we continued walking we ran into churches, gardens, and museums that we would never have seen if we had taken the "easy" path. It was a longer journey for sure, but it would be a memory for a lifetime.  What had started out as a frustrating misadventure was now a whole new beautiful adventure.  2014

The Dependence of Our Love

I don't remember what we were talking about when I responded to two of our students, "My love is not dependent on your actions." "So if I came to the Kennel all high and jacked up, would you still love me?" one of them asked. "No!" said the other kid, "She would kick you out!" I gave that kid a look. To the other one I responded, "Well, I would be disappointed and a little sad, but I would still love you." They thought for a second and then said with sincerity and interest,  "then what is  your love dependent on?"  I think that in the moment I replied, "Jesus, I guess." Which isn't a very good explanation, but hey, I don't work well under pressure! In fact, their question kind of caught me off guard. I had to think about it for a while. What, if not what they do or say, does my love depend on? Do I love them less when they disappoint me? The answer, of course, is no. In fact, I am perhaps

Bambi, Ice, and Uhauls. Ay Yi Yi!

We should have known when we were scrapping inches of snow and ice off the truck at 6:30am that the day wasn't going to go as planned. Just 12 hours earlier there had been 5 people planning to go to Phoenix for a furniture-retrieving, sunshine-loving adventure. At 6:25am the last person backed-out and it was down to two. As much as I adore winter, I have to admit that I'm not quite used to it yet. So I hadn't received the common-sense memo that ice+snow+nightfall will equal a lot of work before you can drive away. So my faithful friend and I took to the windows with a tiny ice scraper and our sleeves to make the windshield less of a Christmas wonderland. It wasn't the last time that we would be unprepared that day.  After enough of the windshield was cleared we drove away in the snow, ice, and dark to Phoenix, land of eternal sunshine and free furniture.  About an hour into the 3 hour drive, coffee in hand and a strong will to not fall asleep we encountere

The Power of Pressure

I'm going to admit something here, straight out into the crazy world of internet readers. Are you ready for it? Ok. . . I've been stressed.  Whew! Got that out there. I feel better now. I've always had these idealistic views about how stress serves no purpose and reveals a distrust in God's provision (which is true). So I claimed an easy-going attitude and a yippidee-do-da nature and walked through life at ease, right? Well, despite these good intentions a new sneaky stress started to manifest itself in the tightness of my chest and the sleep that seemed to constantly evade me for about a month or two. As much as I wished I could get rid of it, no amount of forced positivity could change the manifestation of the stress in my life. I couldn't figure out why this was happening until a co-worker pointed out with such nonchalance, "well yea you are stressed, you have a new job you are trying to figure out." Oh yea, that thing. The new job. The new

The Role of a Lifetime

I’ve lived my whole life being called “Mom Meredith.” It probably started when I was three and my brother was born. From the moment I held that little baby I decided I was in charge of taking care of everyone. I used to play a game with him in the bathtub where I was the mom and he was my “baby boy hippo.” I never said I was normal.  Through the years the “mom” nature never left. In college my friends in the dorm started calling me mom, much to my own mother’s dismay. I reassured her that it was an endearing term and people meant it out of love, whether that was actually true or not. I just cared for people a lot. And I liked rules. So I thought other people should too.  It was this innate tendency that I couldn’t rid myself of, even if I had wanted to. I was always the nurturer, the bossy one, the rule enforcer, the listener, and the let’s-eat-chocolate-to-make-it-all-better kind of friend.  It was at 25 where I realized that all my practice (whether invited or not

Faith Alongside Disappointment

This weekend we took apart our Little Bluebird Retail Store, a vital part of AYM's ministry.  The tribal council came on Friday and told us we had to be out by Monday because they wanted the building for their own purpose. The building is owned by the tribe so as their property it is also their right to use it, but it was still disappointing. It seemed not to matter that we had a business there, that we had renovated the building, or that we employed tribal members. What they wanted they got, without much concern for who it harmed along the way. It reminded us of the stark reality of working on the rez, that we are outsiders, and no matter the good we provide we could always be seen as temporary. So we all gathered together on Sunday and started the move out, bundled in coats and scarves and an impromptu dance move or two to try and lift our spirits. It was as we were loading the shelving into the big green bus that a homeless man walked over from the neighboring food ministry tha

There and Back Again

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I spent last weekend cocooned within the comforts of a Maryland farmhouse. It was a restoration for my soul and I slept beneath the covers with complete peace of mind at the end of each lovely day. The days were filled with comfort food and long drives through the rolling hills of the Northeast as  I began to breathe out the stress and breathe in the peace of God . It was a beautiful time of reconnecting with the quiet parts of my soul and the carefree fun that is getting lost with a good friend as I escaped the day to day of my normal life and entered into a world so far from my usual. The brilliant changing colors of Fall and the comforting embrace of farmland lay out before me and I was sublimely happy spending the days exploring new towns, walking in the cold air, and conversing with lovely people. It was a dream of a trip and I woke up each morning feeling entirely blessed for having the chance to escape to the farm. What made it even more lovely was that I had been there bef

The Shadows Prove the Sunshine

There were a few days this week that didn't start out so well. Cranky, worried, whatever, I got out of bed and was mad at the world. But in typical Meredith fashion, by the afternoon everything was fine. Seated with my students quietly reading books, trying out yoga with them in the backyard, picking apples together, each day ended with a sigh of exhaustion and happiness. As always, by the end of the day I was thrilled with the greatness of my life. But most great writers write in the midst of emotion. When the world seems to be crashing down or the problems seem their greatest, that is when a writer sits down and lets it all pour out onto paper (or virtual paper in the blog world). That is what is interesting to read and what people can relate to. And it isn't the norm or even the majority, but simply the processing and the healing that comes when emotions become words and thoughts become paragraphs. So sometimes I write in the mornings when life doesn't seem so great

A Reflection of Seasons

Guys. Winter is coming!! Here in Pinetop we are having an absolutely beautiful fall season, full with color and breeze and light jackets and loveliness. But when the sun dips below the horizon and the air gets chilled, I can feel that winter is on its way. I know I shouldn't be excited. I know that the snow will last from November to April and I might maybe may get tired of it all by the end, but for now I embrace the coming change in season with anticipation and a good pair of boots. I may have even put the Christmas moose on the mantel a little early because I just can't wait (yes, the Christmas moose is a real thing). One thing wonderful about Pinetop, Arizona is the anticipation of each new season. I love living in a place with actual seasons. Each one has its own beauty and its own appeal, but we never stay in one for long. When I look back at my year here in Arizona I feel like I can separate the changes in my life by the seasons (and man, has this year changed a lot

"Crocodile Dundee" Comes for a Visit

What a great Fall Break last week. My brother, the one and only, came to town. And it was glorious. Back when we were little kids my brother and I shared bunk beds for a year. We were both scared of the dark and the solution was solidarity. I remember that year fondly. We would go to sleep talking together until Ryan would say, "Shhh, I need to pray." And he would fall asleep praying his long and all-important prayers. Needless to say, he and I have always been close. So this past week, as grown-ups, we revisited our childhood. For the week Ryan slept on the floor in my room and we would spend each night catching up on years of missed-out togetherness. We would chat about my life and his, give each other advice, share our perspectives on any number of topics, and laugh until sleep overtook us. We may be in our twenties, but we still enjoy a good late night chat. Having my brother here made this one of the greatest weeks of my year. Seeing as I have lived across the cou

Life as an Open Road

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(conversation with student during tutoring/reading time at the Kennel) "Hey Meredith. . . " "Yes?" "Do you think that life is like an open road? . . .because that is what this magazine is telling me." ____________________________ The other night my best friend called me with some spectacularly good news. I cried. It was that good. When we hung up the phone I cried again, but this was a mix of happy and quite very much sad tears as well. Here was one of the happiest moments of my friend's life and I was thousands of miles away from her. I never imagined that I would stay out West when I moved here three years ago. The only thing I knew was that I was following God's call and I would take whatever He gave me. But I was perhaps not prepared for what it meant that I would lose. Living on this mountain in Arizona my life is rather small. I have lost most of my friends from college simply because of distance, both on a map and in our ways of

Seeing Brilliance Among the Annoying

Yesterday was one of those days where everyone seemed just the slightest bit annoying. I knew that it was in fact not everyone else that was the problem, but I let myself wade my feet into the notion that everyone was being dumb and they should all just be quiet.  My friend reminded me of the reality that I probably needed to get my crap together. Truth. Spoken with the most eloquent of speech.  The day wasn't even bad. I had a great breakfast with friends, got the chance to fill my cart to overflowing with groceries for one of our former students who is now the guardian of her 4 brothers, and spent the afternoon with kids that I love. I even got to help with math homework! There was such brilliance in the day, yet I let it cloud over with my own grumpiness.  I have to tell you that the job is brilliant. The personal life is what begins to drag its muddy paws onto the work day. It is the little matters that direct my view away from the brilliance and into the clouds. It

The One Year Anniversary!

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My dear friends, it has officially been a year. One year ago today I moved to middle-of-nowhere Arizona full of hope and excitement. I knew that this year was going to change me. Little did I know how much this year would transform my life.  As I look back I am absolutely amazed at what God has done. One year ago our team was a little less than friendly to one another. Today we are praying for each other, connected as family with a love that overcomes our differences. When people are around us they remark without fail, " You guys really love each other, don't you? " And the answer is 100% glory to God. We are the epitome of iron sharpens iron. We have seen the best and the worst of each other and yet we are better people because of the ways in which we have been challenged. I have to say that I am so immensely grateful for the place this team has in my life. They have transformed who I am and I wouldn't trade in any of this past year, the good or the bad.

Covering the Fear of Failure

I woke up this morning to a frantic student. As we emailed back and forth I told her I could not help her. She angrily told me I was out of her life. The words stung a bit but I knew, like in any parent/child relationship, kids will say things when they are angry that they do not really mean. And I also knew that if someone does not want the help you are offering then we have no choice but to turn away. After all, the amount of students on this reservation is numerable and there are others that desire the help we do offer. As my mentor so smartly put it, we simply cannot always rescue students (or people) in the way that they wish to be rescued. But something kept stinging my mind as I considered this morning's interaction. It is a worry that sneaks in at moments like these. It is the deep-seeded fear that I am not doing things in a way that will please God. As we deal with these most unusual circumstances and I do my best to be/do as God wills, I am so worried that He will

Heading into Portlandia

Tomorrow I head out to a city I have always wanted to visit: Portland, Oregon . If that weren't exciting enough, I am heading there to participate in the wedding of a most precious friend. Some people don't like weddings. I love them. Adore them really. I fall in love with all of the romance and pretty flowers. I'm hopeless.  Seeing as this is the 8th wedding that I have been a part of (there is a phrase my mother sometimes says involving the words "always" and "never" that we will refrain from using here), I have a plethora of great memories involving my friends marrying the love of their life.  I'm reminded of returning from Spain to a Georgia that had completely changed while I was gone as I (the tallest in the wedding party) walked with the smallest in the wedding party down the aisle. I am brought back to the first time I became BFF with my Great-Aunt Ruth (she is a legend) and the time I got to solve all the problems of the day simply

Shawarma and Singleness

The other day I thought I was a genius.  As I got out of the car in Flagstaff I had the all-too-common problem of not wanting to leave my half-eaten gyro in the car, but also not wanting to eat it or throw it away. Dilemmas, am I right? So after a brief moment of consideration, I tied the plastic bag with the food in it around the strap of my purse and let it hang by my side as I perused Barnes and Noble. Genius. So there I go, walking casually around Barnes and Noble in Flagstaff, filling my arms with more books than I could possibly take home to live with me, and my half-eaten gyro is flopping by my side. I swear I smelled like some serious onions and taziki. It wasn’t until the 8th or 9th weird look that I looked down and realized how absurd it was to have a plastic bag of chicken and pita hanging off of my purse. In that moment I concluded that if I were a hermit I would be crazy. I’m telling you, if you guys think I am a little weird now, you cannot even imagine what I w

My Hardcore Life

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Life is good. Today I am taking some of our kids to the fair down on the reservation. It is the one really big event for our tribe and the kids even have the day off of school. I am definitely going to be trying some blue corn mush and some acorn stew. I am also looking to avoid riding any swirly rides after I eat said things. Also I learned jiu jitsu yesterday. And I bought a tent. So I am basically becoming hardcore. After a lifetime of "I don't work out" and "I don't camp" I have officially unleashed the beast and am loving both of those things. It feels good to feel strong and to use my muscles for what they were made for. It is quite empowering. Plus I learned how to take my roommate down yesterday, so if she doesn't do the dishes I can just beat her up. Important stuff. In other news, last weekend I took a spontaneous road trip with a few friends to the great state of Californ-i-a. The conversation was basically, "Man, we should g

"Be Strong and Courageous"

Lately I have had a string of anxious dreams. Each night I go to bed hoping for peace. Each night I toss and turn as another scenario plays out, a scenario in which bad things are happening and I have no control. I wake up weary. I wake up frustrated. And I seek to understand why I have so much unfelt anxiety. Is it the world that is getting to me? So many bad things happening at once. So many people hurting, dying, in pain, and so much injustice that I can do nothing about. I can only allow myself so much access to the news. It breaks me. Perhaps it is the addition of our new programming at the youth center. It could not be going better, but the enemy loves to sneak in fears of failure. The enemy tells me that we are losing kids, that we aren't doing our job, that we are going to fail these kids that need so much. But I know that it is not true. I know that my prayers for this world are powerful. I know that there is life in the 5 students that have been committed to what

The Beauty of New Experiences

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When we started our new programming on Monday I was a little apprehensive. About 50 kids walked out of the Kennel, leaving us with 9 interested in sticking around. As I watched 50 kids wander outside our gates I wondered, are we doing the right thing? On Tuesday the answer became clear.  Again 50 students left. 8 remained. We hopped in the van and headed up for a field trip. The trip was to learn about animals and veterinary things. After a quick tour of the veterinary clinic we headed out to farm along a very very muddy road. Let’s just say I tried my hand at mud-bogging and had to hand over the wheel.  When we got to the farm it was awesome . There were all these animals our students had never encountered before. A llama, alpacas, a miniature horse, pigs, and dwarf goats. The kids lit up as they got to pet the animals and learn about them more. I mean come on, who doesn’t want to take a llama for a run on a Tuesday afternoon?  It was so apparent to me that we wer

The Revolutionary Action

“Why do you need to be spending time with God every day?” “Because my job is really draining.” “No,” he replied.  Crap, I got the wrong answer in front of the pastor, I thought.  “You need to be spending time with Him because He is your daddy. You need to be spending time with Him because He is your breakfast, your water, your sustenance. If we are only spending time with Him because of our profession, then we have it all wrong. We need to be spending time with Him because He is life.” Oh yea. Mind. Blown. “So you are starting tomorrow, right?” “Oh, uhhh, yea!” It was a conversation that changed the entire trajectory of my year. It had been a long summer and most of my encounters with our pastor had included some tears, mostly from exhaustion. But what Pastor Ernie made me realize was that my exhaustion, my inability to cope, came not just from the overwhelming nature of our overbooked summer schedule. It came because I was trying to serve a God with w

To Him Be the Glory!

It was the first time in a long time that I had felt it. It was the all-encompassing, overwhelming understanding of what Jesus had actually done for me. It was the incredible energy and gratefulness for what my life was, fully knowing that my whole life , every minute part of it, was al l because of the goodness of God. It was overpowering. It was beautiful. It was the greatest peace and joy I have ever known.  Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.  Such common words but my goodness the way they seeped into my soul! I could feel it so deeply. It wasn’t the all-too-common head knowledge that Jesus washed me white as snow. It was the song of my spirit, crying out to God in utter thankfulness. It has been so long since I have truly comprehended the magnitude of God, His goodness, His presence in my life. Perhaps 10 years have passed, of ups and downs and a struggle to regain the faith of my youth. And the past two years

The Feeling Welling Up Inside

You can feel it in the air. I know it is cliche, but it is so true. There is an energy surrounding us, our conversations, our anticipation.  It is like that night before the first day of school feeling on steroids. I can barely contain myself.  God has been crazy good over this past year. Our team has gelled crazy well. The support and love we have for one another is something we never could have dreamed of (believe me, this time last year we all were a little, let's say. . . independent). And He has been shaping this plan, this dream in us for the last so many months, and finally the time for it to come to fruition is here. Tomorrow we begin a crazy, risky, all for His glory new plan for our youth center. And it is awesome.  And the energy for it is ridiculous! Because here are the facts: we are exhausted. Already. With a team in this week we haven't had a good day of rest in a while. So we are starting the school year out completely beat. But we are also starting