Thursday, October 2, 2014

Seeing Brilliance Among the Annoying

Yesterday was one of those days where everyone seemed just the slightest bit annoying. I knew that it was in fact not everyone else that was the problem, but I let myself wade my feet into the notion that everyone was being dumb and they should all just be quiet. 

My friend reminded me of the reality that I probably needed to get my crap together. Truth. Spoken with the most eloquent of speech. 

The day wasn't even bad. I had a great breakfast with friends, got the chance to fill my cart to overflowing with groceries for one of our former students who is now the guardian of her 4 brothers, and spent the afternoon with kids that I love. I even got to help with math homework! There was such brilliance in the day, yet I let it cloud over with my own grumpiness. 

I have to tell you that the job is brilliant. The personal life is what begins to drag its muddy paws onto the work day. It is the little matters that direct my view away from the brilliance and into the clouds. It is the tiny splinter that distracts me from envisioning the monument that we are in the midst of building.  

So I sit down and try to figure out how to get my crap together. And the answer, I decide, lies in the word trust. Which I don't really care for. Because the truth is that I do trust God, I am just rather impatient. In the waiting times I like to let all the doubts and questions and annoyances become the only picture in front of me. I seek after God but as I read 1 Samuel every morning the nagging question begs for an answer, am I seeking Him with all of my heart? Am I on my knees, giving up everything, delving in and meditating rather than just trying to appease Him with a passing thought? Am I giving Him everything or am I bitterly holding onto the things that annoy me because He has not given me the answer I desire? 

Am I really seeking God with all my heart?

The answer becomes painfully obvious as I melt into the realization that without giving Him my full heart I have let myself wade too far for the day. I want better, for my kids, my teammates, my friends. I want to emanate the joy of the Lord. I want to be full to overflowing with the good news of the gospel. I want to seek God with all of my heart, not just part of it. And that is going to take work. It is going to take time and prayer and forgiveness. It is going to take my roommate pulling me in to remind me to trust in His goodness, to trust in the brilliance around me. 

And when I start getting my own self together I am able to once again see the absolute beauty of everything around me, even amidst the clouds of unanswered prayers. 

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