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Showing posts from 2016

Lessons in Marriage from A Stuck Jeep

The day after Christmas was a beautiful one. The snow covered the ground and we decided to go out and play. We drove up to the mountains in the Jeep with our pups and frolicked around in over a foot of snow, taking pictures and feeling the joy that is a white Christmas season. But Cameron. . . oh Cameron. He was high on winter and his newfound camera skills. He took a few good pictures and bam! he thought he could do anything. So after a while of frolicking he decided that we were going to drive deeper toward the mountain, even as the snow got thicker and thicker. "I don't think we should go any farther," I said politely. "We have already gotten stuck once, let's just stay where we are at."  But Cameron did not listen to his wife. Cameron, like the little engine that could, kept driving forward. The tracks ended and you could see that the snow ahead was at least a foot and a half deep, and yet Cameron pressed on the gas until. . . thwump. Vroof. Vroof

How Cameron Saved Christmas

Do you have dogs? Dogs are great for the cuddly, happy to see you part but they totally suck when it comes to Christmas at my house. In my theory, dogs are like toddlers that you can leave outside all day without checking on them. Inside the house though, leave them for a second and bam! Things are broken. In this case, my dogs decided they hate Christmas. Last year Bean was a puppy and ate all of the Christmas lights. Seriously she cut them all off by the outlet and chewed them up, lightbulbs and all. I have no idea how she is still alive. This year, their first attack came in the middle of the night. While Cameron and I were happily sleeping and sugar plum fairies were dancing over our heads, our dogs were gleefully ripping up my Christmas presents. Not Cameron's presents, just mine. With a start and a dash Cameron ran out to save my presents from their claws. Thankfully they were only interested in the wrapping paper, but man was I mad. Fast forward a week and we have p

Loose Rocks and Marriage Testing at 12,637 feet

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This past summer Cameron and I hiked to the highest peak in Arizona- over 12,000 feet high. Times that by three and that is a plane's cruising altitude. Kind of crazy. I know what you are thinking right now. You are thinking, "Wow. Meredith is so hardcore and awesome. What a beast." I appreciate those thoughts. I wish they were true. The truth is that I kind of lost it on this hike. I can blame the altitude, the distance, the lack of water, or anything else, but the truth is, I lost the mental game of hiking. Disclaimer: My natural tendency is to quit when things get hard. This has always been my trend, and it is something I am having to work so hard  to overcome. Hiking helps I suppose because even though I tell Cameron to just leave me at the top of the mountain and call a helicopter, he isn't going to do it. It isn't in the budget. ;) This was before we almost killed each other:)  All started well of course, and going up the mountain wasn't so

Back at the Writing Wheel

You know that scene in The Notebook where Rachel McAdams says to her man, "I don't paint anymore" (Southern accents only please). Maybe it is a silly reference but in the movie you can tell that her lack of painting represents that she lost something in herself as her life progressed. Well, the other day I realized, "I don't write anymore." I know what happened, but I didn't realize how significant it was. You see, this past year has been a struggle. I fought tooth and nail with situational depression and anxiety for the first six months of the year as I stepped into a life with boundaries and had to come face-to-face with the impact of the trauma I had witnessed over the last few years. I don't believe that makes me weak, that the sadness of the reservation shattered me so. I believe it points to the spiritual warfare present there. In truth, working on the reservation shattered my faith as well, though not beyond repair. I have had to wres

The Cedar Fire, A Plastic Lobster, and Prayer

It is an unsettling sensation to be packing your car, realizing anything that you leave behind could be destroyed.  I had seen the billows of smoke earlier in the day, and recognized that it seemed closer than normal, but I hadn't put much more thought into it. Then around 3:30pm on Wednesday, Cameron called me from work to let me know that I needed to prepare for a potential evacuation. The fire was only 10 miles from town. At this point I basically panicked because I had no idea what this really meant. I had no idea if an evacuation was coming within the next hour or the next few days, so I frantically started packing. You don't realize how much stuff you have until you are about to potentially lose it all.  I threw a bunch of clothes in a suitcase (mostly our hiking clothes for some reason) and started pacing in random directions looking for things we couldn't replace.  Obviously I grabbed the plastic lobster that I have had since our family vacation to

My Night of Softball Glory

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Last night I had my very  first-of-all-time  softball game. That's right. I am a bonafide member of an actual sports team where I wear a legit jersey and own a glove and do sportsy things like run and put forth effort. I know, I know, those of you who know me well are probably both surprised and a little bit worried. I've never been the athletic one in the family, but by golly I am 27 years old and determined to be a valuable member of this team! So after a lot of practicing with my imaginary bat I was ready to not fail at this new athletic endeavor.  I had been to two practices, done my batting practice, and 10 minutes before the game started I had finally asked someone how you catch a ball with the beautifully brand-new and un-used softball glove on my right hand. And then my moment came. I was up to bat. I had anticipated this moment for days. Elbow up, knees bent, eye on the ball (whatever that means), swing straight and swing hard, DON'T MISS. I bet I look pre

Husband-Love, A Picnic, and Recovery

I was talking to a friend of mine at the church picnic this past weekend when we looks at me and says out of the blue, "You know, I love your husband." Said husband was at that time on a little walk around the park with another guy we know and I immediately agreed with a whole-hearted, "Well, thank you! I do too! I am so glad to hear that!" As we continued to talk I could see that this guy had a deep respect for Cameron, as well as a joy for when he is around (I don't tell Cameron to his face so he won't get cocky, but he always makes all of us laugh. He is simply a fun guy to be around). It really seemed to be a continuation of a theme that had been appearing a lot recently. I had noticed it when I went to softball practice the other day too (that's right, I joined the church softball team. I'm a boss.) Everyone happily greeted me and almost immediately said, "Where is Cameron?" People like to be around the guy, and that makes me happy

The Canyons that Rivers Make

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This past week I spent a lot of time in canyons (a simultaneously beautiful and frightening experience) thinking about life and God and everything in between. It seems that this is always the case with nature- it enables me to leave the chaos of life behind and breathe more deeply, to think more clearly. So it was as my parents and I were hiking to the bottom of Canyon De'Chelly in Navajo nation that we began contemplating what this beautiful canyon revealed to us about God.  For my mother, she reveled in Psalm 8:3-4. She was amazed that the God who created the universe and the canyons still cared to be mindful of her. A God so big still cared about someone so seemingly small. My father was amazed by God's creativity. The way that the water had eroded the rocks into works of art was incredible. As we got deeper into the canyon the type of rocks and their patterns would change and there were trees growing out of complete rock. At the bottom of the canyon there was a beau

The Titanic, Rockets, and Happy Endings

When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to watch the Titanic movie.  It wasn't because of the love story or the painting scene, it was because my mom knew that after watching it I would have cried for days. As a child I could never get over the fact that they didn't put more people in those lifeboats, and even 75+ years after it happened I still felt the pain as if it had just occurred yesterday and those people on the ship were my family. It was the same thing with the Holocaust museum, the evening news, and movies without happy endings. As a child all the way into being an adult, I felt the pain of others' sorrow with my entire being. I was sheltered because the depth of the sadness would have overwhelmed my tiny soul and I simply could not handle it. As an adult I am able to handle things much better, but I suppose old habits die hard because the other day this happened: It was just a normal night at the Agan household and I was watching a tv show called The 100

Cookies and Childhood

As a kid I always loved when my mom made homemade chocolate chip cookies. I have distinct memories of rushing to the kitchen, the warm cookies sitting on wax paper, my mom by the oven as we scooped up as many as we could handle (or were allowed). By the end of the night you had eaten at least nine, but only admitted to five, and the whole house was happy. I think a lot about what I have brought with me from that childhood home, what traits and examples I have grown into. Marriage brings to light a lot of the flaws and beauties that we learned through life and family, and it can certainly be both joyous and annoying. Cameron and I grew up so differently and we fight into and against all that we learned before we met each other. We strive to be the best versions of ourselves, and so much of what we know we have brought with us from our youth. As I reflect on my own childhood I am moved toward thinking of my girls, the sweet teenage girls who are having children of their own this sea

Marriage Advice from an Amateur

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Today we are going to talk about marriage since, you know, I have a month and a half of wisdom going on over here in Show Low, Arizona and I know you are dying to hear it. Just call me the wise woman of the forest. Anyways. . . In the weeks surrounding our wedding a lot of people wanted to give us some advice. It generally fell into two camps, either "marriage is going to be really hard" or "marriage is awesome!" We definitely appreciated the honesty of camp one but preferred camp two. As we moved forward through our wedding and began life together you would be amazed at how many people began to tell us that our happiness won't last. People would ask how it was going and we would respond honestly with answers like, "Marriage is great! It's so much fun and we simply love getting to do life together!" 4 out of 5 people responded with, "It won't last." No joke. This was a slightly frustrating response. And here is why (alth

Unceasing Brokenness

Brokenness and pain. Does it ever get easier to handle? Less impacting on the heart, the soul, the mind? Will it ever become a part of this life that doesn't tear at my emotions, causing a depth of sorrow that cannot be cured? In my line of work brokenness is the day-to-day normal routine. As I have expanded my vision here in the White Mountains, I have simply increased the types of brokenness to which I am exposed. Instead of just working with abuse, neglect, and poverty, I am now seeing what happens when that brokenness from childhood goes unhealed. And it will break your heart even more than it has already been broken.  A new facet of my ministry is in the world of drug addiction, a world I previously knew nothing about. As I get to know people in all stages of addiction, and as I read from those who have lived in this world so much longer than I, my heart swells with frustration that such depth of pain exists. You can see the pain in the eyes of the addict. It isn'

A Big Tub of Love

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If there is one joy in a wedding it is the love. The love between a boy and a girl, the love between their families, the love of their friends. Beyond all else, this was the most moving piece of our wedding day.   The love made possible by our Savior was an aura throughout the event. It was as if a light shone from each person and into the world around us. I'm telling you as I look back this light of love permeated souls and made hearts swell (and I am not even being dramatic here. Ask anyone who was there). It was brilliant and beautiful and profound and it struck our hearts in a way that will impact us for years. I am still overwhelmed by the love that emanated from that most wonderful day. For Cameron and I, we have chosen to live in a small town in the mountains of Arizona in order to be faithful to the ministry God has called us to. A by-product of this has been finding it harder to have deep friendships that aren't the lovely teenagers we spend most of our time

Katy Perry, Fire, and Marriage

Let me set the stage for you: Katy Perry's "Firework" is playing and I'm the only one on the dance floor. Granted it's my wedding, so I was in the mindset of It's my wedding, I'm going to dance if I want to! but it's a little weird to be doing firework hand motions all by your lonesome while a circle of tables sits around you. In fact, I had thought that my friend was going to stay, but she was all danced out so there I was, having the time of my life. As I lifted my arms into a sweet slow-motion firework motion I happened to spot Cameron right by the dance floor, so being as he was now my husband and therefore required to make a fool of himself with me, I pulled him in to join me in the spotlight. In a split second, totally like in a movie, I watched as Cameron moved toward me. I'm clearly expecting him to just do some sweet hand motions with me but instead he grabs my waist and lifts me above his head. I'm not even kidding, it was a total