Thursday, September 18, 2014

Covering the Fear of Failure

I woke up this morning to a frantic student. As we emailed back and forth I told her I could not help her. She angrily told me I was out of her life.

The words stung a bit but I knew, like in any parent/child relationship, kids will say things when they are angry that they do not really mean. And I also knew that if someone does not want the help you are offering then we have no choice but to turn away. After all, the amount of students on this reservation is numerable and there are others that desire the help we do offer.

As my mentor so smartly put it, we simply cannot always rescue students (or people) in the way that they wish to be rescued.

But something kept stinging my mind as I considered this morning's interaction. It is a worry that sneaks in at moments like these. It is the deep-seeded fear that I am not doing things in a way that will please God. As we deal with these most unusual circumstances and I do my best to be/do as God wills, I am so worried that He will not be pleased. I fear arriving at God's feet to hear Him say, "Why did you not love them better? Why did you leave them there or not help them out here?" It is a worry that sits quietly on the edge of my mind as I do my best but perhaps do not do enough or do it right. It becomes crippling to have the pressure of making my Father proud beating down upon me as I am so hard on myself trying to do what He would do in these situations.

Yet as I write this post I look down at my fingers that type, and there on my right hand is a ring with two words engraved upon it: revealing grace. It has been the theme of my life since I started this blog. It reminds me to have grace on others and in this moment it reminds me to have grace for myself. Because God Himself pours His grace upon my life. I must remember that He does not require me to be perfect or flawless, but to try my best to be faithful to His calling, to try my best to do as He would have me do. And I will make so many mistakes. Goodness, look at the disciples! Jesus loved them and they made so many mistakes. Therefore I must rest in that grace. I must cover the stinging fear of failure with the all-covering power of grace. 

So I will try (imperfectly of course) to rely on the promise that I wear on my finger each day. I will cling to the promise that God is pleased with the work we are doing here and that He has grace for our mistakes. And I will, as any parent would, place the lives of these students in God's hands, knowing that He can care for them so much better than I.

I must trust, I must believe, and I must rely on the truth. God help me to rest in Your truth. 

No comments:

Post a Comment