Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Trusting Without Clarity

It comes as a tightening in my chest. A few seconds later I find it hard to breathe and I know, I know that the stress is back. My friend said I'm trying to steer my boat against the wind. I'm pushing and pushing against the direction my life is going in, determined not to give in, instead of giving the wheel to the One who is supposed to be steering.  All I have to do is let go and the boat will sail smoothly, but I resist. I resist because I don't understand. The whole clarity thing isn't a gift God is giving me right now. And that's ok, I just have to be ok with it, which is harder than it sounds.

It isn't like I have anything to complain about, which makes me feel bad about sometimes feeling bad. God has been faithful to provide, in so many ways, and I cannot deny His faithfulness. What catches me is that I don't get where He is going with all this. I don't understand what He is doing with me, my life, my future, my influence. Just a little glance in the crystal ball would be nice, just a glimpse of the future.

But I don't have a glimpse into the future, I just have today. So I take a deep breath and I pray. I pray that God would help me to accept that which I do not understand and give me patience to see Him follow through. He will follow through. That's another truth that a friend reminded me of recently. There are some things I can control and some things I can't, but no matter what happens I know for sure that God always follows through on His promises. And He has promised to work all things together for my good. He has promised to hear my prayers. He has promised to make me complete in every good way to do His work.

So as I reflect on His promises and breathe deeply in His goodness as I walk towards accepting that which I do not understand.

Last night I laid by the heater with "my kid," the one that now lives with me. We talked about life and love and God and why we can't feel His presence sometimes. I knew that I didn't have all the answers and that I myself was still trying to figure this whole thing out, but it was a good moment of reflection and togetherness. It was good for that moment to forget about bedtimes and school and how it was probably bad for us to sit so close to the heater and just share our hearts in honesty. We ended the night by linking arms and praying. I thanked God for bringing us together and I prayed that no matter what the days would bring, what heartaches or joys, whatever unexpected winds come our way, we would trust in Him.

Let Him steer and trust that the waves will not overcome us.  

Perhaps its not as hard as I make it out to be.

20 Now may the God of peace, who brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, 21 make you complete in everything good so that you may do his will, working among us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
Hebrews 13:20-21

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