A few months ago I was walking around Barnes and Noble, single, with just my greek food beside me. (You can read about it here). It was pretty epic. Fast forward to yesterday and I’m eating the same greek food and perusing the same aisles of Barnes and Noble (what can I say, I’m a creature of habit) but this time there was something different. This time I was there with someone, and that someone calls himself my boyfriend.
I know. It’s weird to put it in print. I have a boyfriend. We all were a little worried it would never happen, we can be honest about that. I live in the woods, I work all the time, I have a weird need to prove my independence and love men that are imaginary. . . not quite a recipe for success.
But there he came. Riding in on a white jeep, the knight in shining under armor. He pursued me relentlessly with kind words and gushy looks. I fought back with comments like, “Don’t look at me!” and “Stop being so nice!” Its a surprise he stuck around. But eventually I realized that complaining about a man being too chivalrous wasn’t really an excuse and I should give the boy a chance. So I purposely mentioned I was free on a Sunday and he said with uncertainty (I suppose I was giving mixed signals) that he would like to take me out. I responded with something like, “I wouldn’t mind” and walked away. I guess I was a little nervous.
Guys, I’ve got to tell you. You would like this man. He makes me laugh and says gooshy nice things and always makes me feel good about myself. If you were a fly on the wall when we are together you might get grossed out because its so sweet. Oooshy Gooshy kind of stuff. He’s all kinds of wonderful.
So together we are walking around Barnes and Noble and he doesn’t even complain that I’m taking forever sitting on the floor reading poetry and checking out the newest children’s books even though he is hungry and he wants to leave. He lets me read him quotes and point out all the books I’ve read and listens to my reviews. I want him to think I’m smart. He wants me to be happy.
But let me tell you, despite the cutesy goodness, this thing is hard. Just a bit ago it was just me and the shawarma all independent and focused and now I’ve got to consider this other person and I have to be kind and I can’t just shut him out with everyone else when I want to believe that everyone is annoying and I’m the only sane one. And just when things are going well I start getting all up in my own head and I start to worry and then I worry about my worry and goodness gracious the cycle can be exhausting. Poor guy. Good thing he thinks I’m cute.
So after over an hour in Barnes and Noble I finally put the books back and grab his hand and ask if he would like to eat some shwarma with me. I’m a creature of habit and I would like to introduce him to my former love (just kidding). So we eat and we talk and then we buy a hammock and go lay in the sun. We read poetry and C.S. Lewis and I know that this is a crazy adventure that I want to be on. Each day won’t be perfect and many days will be hard, but I know that letting him in brings me closer to knowing and understanding the goodness of our Savior. I know that each day that I try to run, and he patiently tells me the truths and reminds me of the good, that God is saying, see? I’m never going to leave you. I love you and I provide for you. Take joy in my goodness and stop worrying about it all.
I take a deep breath and I decide that this is how it is going to be. That one day at a time I will let go of the walls I’ve built up and let him read books with me and make me laugh. One day at a time I will come to terms with my flaws and then realize how grateful I am to be loved. One day at a time I will look up to God in amazement as I realize that He really did bring me someone to peruse the aisles of life with. And goodness, if that's not lovely and oooey gooey I don't know what is!