Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Changing Out the Flag

Last night there was a bat in my ceiling, a spider in my bath, and I may have given my boyfriend food poisoning. Not the best Monday I’ve ever had. But hey, you win some, you lose some. And let’s be honest, it probably wasn’t my beautifully homemade and delicious meal that poisoned him, right? (At least I sure hope not. . .) 

Anyways. All that drama brought me to some deep thought (that happens when my boyfriend is indisposed and I don’t have someone to chatter at. . . I mean chat with). So in lieu of the usual chatter I settled into thoughts of independence. Yup, here we are again. You guys know I’ve always been one for independence. I used to thrive off of it, or the idea of it I suppose. If I was going to be single then gosh darn it I was going to be the best independent single person the world has ever seen! Look at me hang up these decorations on my own! Look at me get this couch on my own (and coerce the IKEA workers with frantic looks to do all the work for me)! Look at me be awesome because I don't need no man! 

Yea. Not really the coolest thing I’ve ever done. But really my bend towards independence wasn't all that legitimate. If I was honest with myself I was always secretly dependent on those around me. Different people have always helped me along the way and I recognize that I couldn’t have done life without them. Sure, I waved my flag of independence, but really it was the community that helped me along while silently shaking their heads at my determination and sweet flag-waving skills. 

But oh how times have changed- there is no denying it now. I can’t even pretend to deny my dependence. The other night before I poisoned my boyfriend you could have found him walking around my house with a knife because I thought I heard a creepy noise (turns out it was the dryer. . . ). What did I do before I had a pocketknife wielding man to save me? Who knows. Nowadays I still pretend I want independence and control but really I find myself saying things like, “babe, why did you have to get sick on the same day the bat goes crazy in the ceiling? I need you to save me. . .oh and can you fix the picture that broke on the wall?” *Sigh* Independence is a fleeting and silly thing. 

I guess it comes down to this: I strived for so long to be what I thought I needed to be. I fought for control by denying my need for others. But in reality, life is all about the people that walk alongside you to help you out. It’s the people that help you move, that catch you fish for dinner, that come over when you hear a bat and take your trash out when they leave. Life is about how we depend on others and in turn how they depend on us. And it is so much more beautiful than standing alone on a hill with a flag of independence wondering when someone is going to come up and ask how you got to be so awesome. 

In fact I think I’m switching out my flag. This one is going to say, “Help wanted. . . and no my cooking doesn’t poison.” 

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