The Three Worst Words

How are you? 

 It was a question I dreaded after my husband left. People meant well. They didn't realize that as their words drifted to my ears, unformed thoughts and emotions would begin to build up in my throat and overflow through the tears in my eyes. It was a question that kept me tucked inside the house so that I didn't have to face it. Who knew that those three words could pack such a devastating punch.

How are you?

 It's never simple, is it? A friend recently asked me this question at a wedding and I heard myself replying, "I'm fine. I'm fine. Yea, no, I'm. . . I'm totally fine." If you have to say it three times I am not sure you are convincing anyone.

I took a deep breath. "Actually, I am probably not fine, but I am a lot better than the last time we talked."

"Yea, I remember exactly where I was sitting when you called that day."

We both stood quietly for a second as the memory of one of the worst days of my life replayed for us both.

Divorce was so much worse for me than cancer, in case you were wondering. People always think that the worst day of my life was when I got the cancer diagnosis, but it really wasn't. The worst days of my life were the summer he left. Cancer? That was just another paragraph in a shitty chapter.

But that relativity is the paradox, isn't it? I may not be fine, but I am so much better than I was after he left. I may not feel back to "normal," but I am so much better than I was after my mastectomy and after chemotherapy.

In so many ways, I am better, despite the inner tide of unrest that washes gently against my soul.

My heart that is full of love for Jeff lives in unison with the broken heart that will always be patched up. My body that is healing and gaining its strength is still marred by the scars of cancer. One does not negate the other. They exist simultaneously and that is ok.

Some days my mental health is still in the pits. Sometimes I still want to throw things and cry. Sometimes I am just so mad that I had cancer at 29. And some days are perfect.

How are you?

 I am alive. I am in love. I am learning to exist in the here and now.

Or, I'm fine. Really. I'm fine. Totally fine. ;)

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