The Art of Crumbling and Getting Back Up Again
I took a student on her very first hike recently and every time we hit the slightest elevation change (and I am talking a few inches of difference) her whole body would instantly crumble.
In seconds she would be folded into herself as she took to the ground to hug the dirt. I would coax and pull and try to talk sense into her, but her fear was overwhelming and she couldn't make herself move.
Eventually I would pick her up under her arms and make her move her feet over the small incline or decline as we walked on to the next change in elevation. It didn't matter how many she survived, at each turn going up or down or over rocks, she would crumble again. There was no sense to it. Simply her fear got the best of her.
Often, this is what has happened to me over the past year as I tried to emotionally navigate my life post-cancer.
I've put on a tough front, I've acted like I don't need help, but with the slightest change in my path, I crumbled.
Something as simple as running out of toothpaste or a slight cough would cause me to cling to the closest semblance of safety. It sounds silly, but after conquering the big mountain, I seemed unable to conquer the small steps. I would find myself lying on the floor or the couch, unable to be productive or social, unable to move forward with confidence. My emotions and well-being simply folded into myself as I lost the ability to function in normal life.
For most of the past year, Jeff has had to pick me up under my arms and force me to move my feet. He has had to calmly explain that this newest setback is not the one that will take me down. He has put himself between me and the side of the mountain and promised not to let me fall. He has given me the strength I need to process and feel the fears and then softly put me back on my feet with confidence that I could do it myself.
Slowly I have gained the strength to face the small ups and downs of life with ease. In the middle of this new normal I have finally found the energy to wash my face, straighten my hair, and not wear yesterday's makeup. I have started new routines and youtube yoga.
What once seemed insurmountable now seems easy and straightforward. I seem to crumble less and stand straight more.
The lovely part is that Jeff is still behind me, cheering me on, smiling as I cross the rocks alone. He has taught me that just like my student needing a hand to hold didn't make her weak, my struggles have not been my demise.
Simply we have all moved forward in confidence, knowing that we don't have to face anything alone.
In seconds she would be folded into herself as she took to the ground to hug the dirt. I would coax and pull and try to talk sense into her, but her fear was overwhelming and she couldn't make herself move.
Eventually I would pick her up under her arms and make her move her feet over the small incline or decline as we walked on to the next change in elevation. It didn't matter how many she survived, at each turn going up or down or over rocks, she would crumble again. There was no sense to it. Simply her fear got the best of her.
Often, this is what has happened to me over the past year as I tried to emotionally navigate my life post-cancer.
I've put on a tough front, I've acted like I don't need help, but with the slightest change in my path, I crumbled.
Something as simple as running out of toothpaste or a slight cough would cause me to cling to the closest semblance of safety. It sounds silly, but after conquering the big mountain, I seemed unable to conquer the small steps. I would find myself lying on the floor or the couch, unable to be productive or social, unable to move forward with confidence. My emotions and well-being simply folded into myself as I lost the ability to function in normal life.
For most of the past year, Jeff has had to pick me up under my arms and force me to move my feet. He has had to calmly explain that this newest setback is not the one that will take me down. He has put himself between me and the side of the mountain and promised not to let me fall. He has given me the strength I need to process and feel the fears and then softly put me back on my feet with confidence that I could do it myself.
Slowly I have gained the strength to face the small ups and downs of life with ease. In the middle of this new normal I have finally found the energy to wash my face, straighten my hair, and not wear yesterday's makeup. I have started new routines and youtube yoga.
What once seemed insurmountable now seems easy and straightforward. I seem to crumble less and stand straight more.
The lovely part is that Jeff is still behind me, cheering me on, smiling as I cross the rocks alone. He has taught me that just like my student needing a hand to hold didn't make her weak, my struggles have not been my demise.
Simply we have all moved forward in confidence, knowing that we don't have to face anything alone.
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