When the going gets tough...

I had a completely different blog post written for today, but some stuff as happened and I think I need to go in a different direction.

In the past few days I have had a really hard time. From the moment I got into my car to move to Arizona things have been really tough. I have had to fight so hard against sadness, despair, and remorse. I have questioned my purpose, my abilities, and my place. On my first day back at our youth center, I caused conflict. I still stand by what I said, but I don't stand by the results or the way it made other people feel. Let's just say that the past five days have not been my finest.

I can blame it on the transition, the lack of sleep, the stress, and I do think all of these things contribute, but I am convinced that the cause of this is much bigger.

I have been given a purpose, and the enemy wants me to run in the other direction. 

I have to say, the enemy's power is strong. As I sit in my parent's living room it is taking every ounce of faith I have not to give up, to give in, to say that I am not needed so I will not go. I have no doubt that the enemy wants me to fail before I even start, and I am actually a bit encouraged by that because it means God has amazing plans.

So where do I go from here? Well, for starters, this is a battle and it is hard, but I will not give in. I will not believe that I am worthless, that I am a nuisance, that my education is worthless and that my presence is not needed. I. Will. Not. Believe. It.

Every moment of doubt, despair, and frustration, I choose to lean on one truth. God has called me. I believe, I know, I am sure that God has called me to work with these Apache girls. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He gave me a vision those months ago, to create a transitional place for these girls to move out of poverty and into flourishing. I know that God has a plan and a purpose, and that He wants to use ME to accomplish it. 
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As I write this I am moved to so many tears, not just because this is hard, but because I finally understand the beauty and worth in the Body of Christ. You guys have been so strong. Over the last five days the Body of Christ has been all that has held me up. You have texted me long messages of truth, of my value and worth, and of support. You have prayed for me, and you have listened to me as I spilled all my feelings (even the unsavory ones). You have asked me how I am, and you have believed the Truths when I have lost them in the midst of the lies. You guys have been my rocks, my support, and in the midst of this tough stuff, I have never felt so loved in all my life. I mean that. You guys are fighting this battle for me, and I believe that you are winning. You are combatting the enemy and I have more gratitude and humility than ever before. No amount of words can express just how much I love you all and appreciate your place in my life. I will remember it for the rest of my days.

So that is where we will end for now. This is just a chapter in God's book for me, and I believe that He will prevail. The enemy will be defeated and I will cling to the Body of Christ who has shown me what it means to be loved and valued. I hope that one day I may get to return the favor.