The Victory of Positivity

"Why are you so happy all of the time?"

This is a question that lately I get asked more often than you would think. At doctor's appointments (of which I have been to a lot recently) they look at my quizzically as I smile, laugh, make light of serious things, and talk about my hope for God's supernatural healing. At my new job the kids make fun of my unwavering positivity, relating me to the weirdest (and most unattractive!) cartoon characters.

I told my Arizona kids about this and they replied, "Yea, you were too happy for us too. But we got used to it." 

Haha- there are worse things to be I suppose.

What people don't realize when they comment on my "eternal optimism" is how great of a victory that is for me. I was always ridiculously optimistic growing up, but seeing my students on the reservation go through so much pain, and living in an unkind marriage, made me lose that joy for a while. For a couple of years I became an extremely angry and bitter person. It might be hard for you to imagine, but it was rough. I rarely smiled. I rarely spoke positively. I was angry at the pain of the world and I became a person I did not realize. I lost all of the light within me.

But oh how our God restores!

One of my AZ high schoolers, who is wise beyond his years, gave me a great image for this. He said that if he was a glass dish and he was dropped and shattered, would I be able to put him back together? No, I said. You would be too broken.

Correct, he replied. Instead, you would have to take those broken pieces and make them into a beautiful piece of art. It wouldn't be the same, it cannot be what it was before it was shattered, but it can be made into something even more amazing. 

Y'all, the kid is a sophomore in high school and he was throwing that wisdom at me. These kids continue to amaze me!

Though God has restored my joy, I will never be who I was before I moved to Arizona. And that is ok. My pieces have been made into a work of art that shines even more brightly. The imperfections give me character. And I absolutely love the person that I am today.

I love where I have been, I love where I am now, and I love where the path is leading me. I love my students in Arizona, I love my life in Texas, and I love. . . well, I basically love everything.

What a lightness of being I feel. What a blessed life I lead. What a heart of gratitude I have for every moment I am granted here on this earth.

It doesn't get better than this my friends. It simply does not get better than this.

Even if my new students do say I remind them of this guy: 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Endings and Beginnings

 I've had a lot of endings that are also beginnings.  In fact, I've lived in Jeff's house for 3.5 years and that's the longest I've lived in a single home since I left Virginia at the age of 16. For over half of my life I have been without roots. I've lived in 9 homes in the last 12 years. That is absurd.  And the truth is, I don't want to be rootless anymore. I want to settle in, build something I am proud of, and never have to pack another moving box in my life. This restless, wandering soul wants to plant my feet on the same ground for more years than I can count and raise my daughter like I was raised in Virginia- with lasting friends and mother-daughter book clubs and people you grow up with. I haven't had a single place I've felt was truly my home since I left Richmond as a teenager, and I am ready to change that.  So in one week, we move to Tennessee. It is a place where a lot of our dreams lie. It is where Jeff will continue a career that he
Read more

Faith Within Suffering

 I didn't talk about God for a while.  When I was younger, I never stopped. My oldest friend and I laughed last weekend about how I would pray for her to attend church when we were kids and tell her about my prayers. When I was in college, it was my purpose. On the reservation it was my profession.  When the waves of suffering hit, I still professed God's goodness for a while, but eventually it became too much. The waves kept knocking me down every time I tried to get up. I was sick in a cancer ward. My relationship with church completely upended. My marriage destroyed.  I stopped talking about my God because I couldn't make sense of my suffering or anyone else's pain. I didn't have any of my youthful certainty. I just had a whole bunch of questions and a whole lot of anger.  Until life got better. Until I got perspective. Until I stood in the snow among the Tetons and said to the wind, "Ok, God, I'm ready. Let's do this again. I'm with you." 
Read more

Five Years After the Divorce

Image
It has been five years, this December, since a judge declared my marriage officially over. It was the culmination of the worst season of my whole life. It was the end of something I had believed was forever. It was a season of bitter tears, struggles with depression and thoughts of suicide, and complete and utter hopelessness. Everything I had believed in had been shattered and in the end, I hadn't been chosen by the one who I chose to marry. I believed the false narrative that I hadn't been good enough, strong enough, or healthy enough. I was certain happiness would never find me again.  Over the next five years, I had to rediscover myself. I had to relearn my strength, my worth, my value. I had to heal from what had happened. I had to be angry and learn how to let that anger go. I lost my relationship with church and grew new relationships with a team of doctors when I got a cancer diagnosis just four months after my divorce was finalized. I had to figure out who God was, who
Read more