The Mind-Mess of Forever

No one really prepared me for what it would be like once chemo ended. I guess I never really thought that far ahead. For months it has been a constant cycle of treatments and recovery. It was all I could do to propel myself into that chair again. I had to be short-sighted. It was how I survived.

And then chemo ended. And the future opened up.

You would think the resulting emotion would be some insane joy that the worst of treatment was over. You would imagine that I would feel free and full of life. But where I expected joy, I found anxiety. Where I expected freedom, I felt trapped by fear.

For the first time I had time for the reality to sink in: I had cancer. I'm 29 years old and healthy, and I had cancer. 

For the first time I realized that no matter what, I cannot go back. No matter how hard I try, my life will never be the same.

For weeks, I worried that every little twinge or pain, every weird and probably normal thing, was a sign of something deadly. As I looked toward my final reconstruction surgery I felt the anxiety rising as I remembered how difficult the mastectomy had been. When I considered going back for my herceptin infusions, I fought the urge to run.

How could I ever be ok again? How could I ever live my life again, knowing that something had been lurking in my body trying to kill me? How was I supposed to manage the idea of an infinite and unknown future?

It felt wrong to not be happy. After all, I was now cancer-free. The cancer had not defeated me. I knew so many others who would not be as lucky as I am. I felt guilty for my sadness, my fears, my anxiety.

But then I remembered.

I remembered that healing takes time. I remembered that it wasn't just my body who had taken a beating, but my mind and my spirit as well. I so badly want to bounce back, to be strong, to be superhuman, but emotion is not weakness and fear is nothing to feel guilty about.

I had cancer. And yea, I am going to be ok. But the journey isn't over. And that is ok too. Just like when I went through the heartbreak of divorce, I am going to continue surrounding myself with beautiful people who hold me up when it feels like too much to bear. I am going to seek help from the resources available to me. I am going to meet women who have gone through similar hardships and share similar fears.

And I will know, that no matter what comes, I will never have to face it alone.

And that is a certainty that I can hold onto.