Finding Out What Love Is

Last week was Jeff's birthday, so let's continue talking about how great he is. But as a disclaimer, I know a lot of people who have a great partner and I know a lot of people who feel like they may never find a great partner.

I write about Jeff not to brag or make it seem like my life is perfect.

I write about Jeff because I have seen the trenches. I have been in the depths. I have visited the pits of hell. And I survived. And then Jeff walked up the sidewalk. And there was goodness again.

I write about Jeff because for me, Jeff signifies the fact that even when all seems lost, happiness, joy, restoration, and peace can be right around the corner.

Jeff signifies hope. So here is a little bit of our story: 

Before I met Jeff, I really thought that my experiences made me a bit undesirable. 

After all, I had been depressed, divorced, unemployed, lived in my parents’ basement, and then I got cancer. I wasn’t really a cut and dry kind of person. I was messy and complicated. I didn’t think that really made for an appealing dating profile. 

But Jefferson was different. He took my story and found the beauty in it. 

Jeff has never gotten angry when I speak about past hurts, but instead has encouraged me to take all of the good I can out of my past marriage and celebrate it. He is patient and finds my scars to be what make me beautiful and deep. 

One time I told him I felt like a Picasso painting, with a bunch of random parts stuck together. He looked at me and said, "Do you know how much people pay for a Picasso painting because they see them as so beautiful?" 

That is simply the kind of person Jeff is. 

He loves me because of what I have been through, not in spite of it. I didn’t know that was possible. 

I didn’t know that someone could come hold your hand at one of the lowest and most vulnerable moments of your life, a chemo session that left me reeling, and instead of being turned off by the complications, find joy in the permission to take care of you. 

I did not know what it felt like to be truly loved. 

There is nothing I could tell Jeff that would make him think less of me, no emotions I could show that would make him think I was weak, no mistake I could make that would give him cause to walk away. 

My story brought me to him, and for that, he is grateful. He doesn't want a past me or a future me that is more healed. He wants me just as I am.

And that is the truest and most beautiful gift I could ever be given.