Trading Chemo for Chickens

Hello sweet friends. Its been a while, hasn't it? I guess life has just been complicated enough that I'm not quite sure how to write about it.

It has certainly been getting back to normal, if there is such a thing, although I always feel like I am walking a tightrope of health. Not enough water? Exhaustion. Not the right food? Exhaustion. Not enough sleep? You guessed it, I spend an entire day sleeping as my body tries to recover. It is partly that I push myself so hard, but I don't really know how not to.

I push through waves of anxiety, times when I watch TV so my brain stops worrying, and alternating sessions at the chemo center with work, travel, the boyfriend, etc.

Honestly, life in Dallas isn't what I expected it to be when I moved here a year ago. I've struggled to find friends and community and I struggle to find the balance between needing to rest and wishing I had more people I connect with here. I miss having a church. I miss having people that come hang out at your house.

Cancer treatment is winding down and I push away the thought of it. I don't want to see pink ribbons or talk about how it affects things, even though the truth is it affects everything.

The farm has been my refuge. The travel back and forth is difficult but when I'm there life is quieter, I have community and time to rest. I learn new things and get to check on plants and chickens instead of teenagers and cancer. We have cookouts with friends and I go hiking in the mountains. But still, I find I isolate myself in the safety of Jeff's home.

I struggle to engage with life in the way I did prior to my cancer treatment.

I feel so strongly that when I moved to Dallas one thread of my life ended and a new one began. Nothing is as I thought it would be and all of this takes an adjustment. I feel as if I should have a new lease on life, but all I want is a break, a time to quiet down, to be in nature, to reconnect with who I am and what life will be now.

The challenge is making the space and finding the people to help me process and settle into a new reality.

So this is life as it is right now.

It is full of good and bad, easy and hard, monotony and spontaneity. My life is a constant paradox.

Its just that some days I feel like I have to run to catch up with this new reality I am living. 

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