Cherishing This Precious Pregnancy

 I thought it would be simple. After all, I had always longed for a baby, to be a mother, to have a family. And then the miracle happened and it was almost unbelievable. To this day, at 34 weeks pregnant, I still can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that my body is growing a baby. For years I never thought this would be possible. For years I longed for this and now it is here. 

Growing a baby has been, I will admit, a magical experience for me. I have been blessed with a very easy pregnancy. No morning sickness, no swelling, no complications. Sure, I hated random foods in the beginning, my hips hurt when I lay down, and my body aches when I sleep, but generally I forget I am pregnant. . . until she gets the hiccups. Until I see my reflection in a shop window. 

Seeing my reflection feels like a mirror at the carnival. Certainly that cannot be me. Where did that belly come from? I still am caught of guard when I realize that everyone can now SEE that I am pregnant. Most of the time, I really love it. I love walking around carrying this baby. I love the waddle when I stand up from sitting for a while. I love that I get to hold her as close as possible for these months. 

Holding her. I cannot wait. I cannot wait for her to be here and be a part of our family. I cannot wait for Jeff to get to rock his little baby girl, to see her face, to feel her move. And yet sometimes, I am terrified. I am terrified of having a 24/7 responsibility. What if I get anxiety or a panic attack? What if I can't manage to care for her all of the time? What if, what if, what if. . . the fear and anticipation go together. It is not simple to manage the emotions of this change, of this child, of this future. 

But each day that I get to grow this baby in my body, I cherish her. I feel the responsibility to cherish and love this pregnancy not just for myself, but for all of the people I love that have not and will not get this experience. I hold gratitude and I refuse to complain because I know this is a gift. I know that people I love have longed to feel a baby grow within them. And I won't take it for granted. I won't view it flippantly. I will treasure each day of this experience, even when I can scarcely believe that this experience is mine. 

I thought it would be simple to be pregnant, to add a child to our family,  but I am finding it to be beautifully complicated. I have learned to be in the moment, to fill my heart with gratitude for the community that already loves our baby so well, to make note of every movement of this little life growing within me. 

For in just a few short weeks, she will be in our arms and everything will have changed. I bet it will be beautiful. . . and complicated. And I wouldn't have it any other way.