A Wish Fulfilled in Emma

The moment Emma was born, the sun began to shine. She was brought into the world during a rainstorm, a precious gift, and when her first cries rang out, the skies cleared (true story). It took a while after they handed her to me to cognitively come to terms with being the mother of this human being that came from my body. I’ve wanted to be a mom for my whole life and with one last push, there was a baby now mine. Wild.

 Each day I fall more in love with her. Each day becomes a little easier, a little more secure. Each day I view as a precious gift, for I wanted this life for so long and now I have it. I never, for a moment, want to take that for granted. 

It might sound weird, but I am acutely aware of my own mortality. It’s not morbid or obsessive, it’s just a product of being a cancer survivor at 33. I know that my old age is not guaranteed. I know my daughter’s old age is not guaranteed. 

But I hope every single day that I will be at her high school graduation. I hope that I get to see her graduate college, get married, and that one day I will be a grey-haired woman with well-earned wrinkles rocking her babies to sleep. 

Knowing that a future is not promised makes me value each second, even the hard ones. I hold her tightly in the midnight feedings. I kiss her minuscule feet and try to memorize her tiny fingernails. I tell her again and again how much I love her and will strive to keep her safe, even though at four weeks old, those words mean little to her. I cherish each day that we get together, knowing that each one is a gift I did not earn and one I will end each day thanking God for. 

There were many days I hoped for this tiny human. There were many days I cried thinking she would never come and prayed that God would let me be a mom. And now it’s here. Perfect in its imperfections. Completely fulfilling, even in the tedium. A tiny miracle in the midst of the bigger miracle that is my life of beauty after pain.

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 9, 2022 at 1:50 PM

    Crying happy tears for you!! Two beautiful humans.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousSeptember 9, 2022 at 8:17 PM

    Perfect. That’s all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousSeptember 10, 2022 at 8:22 AM

    Two beautiful girls together at last.

    ReplyDelete

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