I'm going to be honest with you about some things. (I mean, I really am always honest with you guys, so maybe that statement is more for myself than for you).
A little while ago, like 2 weeks ago, I really didn't like God. It was really a sneaky little devil because I didn't even realize how much my heart had been hardening towards Him over the last couple of months. Layers of cement had been slapped onto my beating heart until I couldn't even feel the God that I have always loved so much. I'm telling you, it got bad, and I didn't even realize it until I was sitting at a bbq joint with two of my teammates.
In the midst of my own processing, I began to ask Seth how he handled having a right view of God after working on the rez for so long, especially since he is a preacher and therefore accountable for his view of God. I explained how I didn’t want to become bitter and jaded, but that I couldn’t really figure out God in all of this.
"I mean, I still love Jesus and everything." I said, "I just don't really like Jesus that much right now."
He told me a few things, but I wasn’t really left feeling like I had an answer.
To me, all I could focus on was this:
“But God isn’t fixing it, and I can’t fix it, so it feels like a standstill. So really, what is the point?"
To which he replied,
“You just have to believe in miracles."
As I was busy rolling my eyes a little bit (I am telling ya, I wasn't in my happy place), our friend walked into the restaurant and sat down, having no idea what our conversation had just been. For the next few hours she told us stories about her past. She shared about all the crazy messed-up things that had happened and all the trouble she had been in, and in the end we were left speechless.
"Yea," she said matter-of-factly, "I’m a miracle.”
I was seriously speechless at that point. Of course I began to cry, because it is simply what I do now, as I processed the full-circle that had just plopped down in front of me. Here I was, doubting and confused, unwilling to accept the answers that were being given to me and God dropped a miracle right at my dinner table. It felt like He was looking me straight in the eyes as He said,
"Hey, listen up. Do you see this? Do you see this awesome, amazing woman, mother, and friend? Yea, I cared. I listened. I saved. Believe in miracles. It is sitting right in front of you.”
And let me tell you, this last week has been. . . wow. . .so good. I mean . . .gosh He is so faithful! I was so distracted by the weight of the rocks that were being pounded upon my heart, that I couldn't find the way back to His fantastic lightness of being. But He didn't give up on me. He was so patient.
And now on Wednesday I get to preach to our students the story of Elijah and God in the cave, and I get to tell them that they are not alone. And on Sunday I get to immerse myself in the story of Thomas and the returning Jesus. And I get to feel the pain of Elijah and of Thomas because I have been there. I have felt their loneliness, their lack of understanding, their despair. And yet in the midst of it, for all three of us, God has been faithful to reveal Himself, to look us each in the eye and say,
"Hey, you. Yea, I never left. I never left you and I never will. Believe, my dear, in miracles. Because I am alive and moving, and you, my beloved, are a part of that movement."