The Stuff that Sucks

Things can be hard, ya'll. I wish I could say that 7 months after my husband left and 1 exact month of being for real divorced, I am a fully functioning, emotionally stable being who is over it because God is still good and blah blah blah. But that wouldn't be true.

I will admit that I'm doing a decent job at being a functioning human being. A majority of people who have met me in the last few months have no clue that my life was stomped all over with a boot covered in dog poo. And certainly, I will be the first to tell you that God is still good.

But this sort of hurt, the stuff I have been through- it doesn't just go away. 

And that sucks. It sucks because there are no quick fixes or magic potions. There is no amount of will power that can keep me from going ice cold at the thought of running into him one day. There is currently not enough truth in my head to keep me from doubting myself.

In this unknown territory, on this road I never thought I would have to walk, I have tried to give insane amounts of extra grace and love and kindness. And the Lord Himself knows that I have failed in many ways. I was not a perfect wife and I will not claim to be. I am a broken human. I tried my best to give all I could with what I had.

Yet, the lies and doubts in my head still creep up to tell me that it was not enough. That if I just hadn't been depressed, that if I could have done this or that, I wouldn't be where I am now.

But those aren't truths. I was not left because of something I did. I took the blame for so long but this was not my fault.

Many times in the Psalms, David praises God and in the same breath asks Him to murder his enemies. I get that. It is really hard to watch someone who harmed you seem to prosper. It brings up all the ugly feelings you try not to have and then it makes you feel guilty for having the ugly feelings.

Thank goodness for the truths.

That God has grace for us no matter what comes out of our mouths.
That He holds us tight even when our anger exceeds our compassion.

This past week was a tough one. It was one of those weeks that makes you feel like you took ten steps backwards. But thankfully, as I try to be still with God in this season, I am reminded by the beautiful people who shower me with truth, that grief comes in waves. When it hits again it is not a step back. It is just another opportunity to dig in, to question, to grow, and to process.

I hate it sometimes. I hate the process, the waiting, the questioning. But I also am grateful. I am grateful that God doesn't mind me wrestling with Him to understand what life looks like now, what my relationship with Him means now.

And I am grateful, that when this battle continues to rage on, He fights for us.

I may not be "over it," but I am slowly learning what it means to grow from it.

And that, I suppose, does not suck.