The weirdest 24 hours in online dating

Ahh 2018. The sound of a new year. The sound of new opportunities. The sound of trying to figure out how dating has drastically changed since I was last looking for a potential person to date.

The world is not like it was in college, my friends.

They say that kind, single men in their thirties exist. But I don't believe them. So I decide to see what the fuss is all about. After all, there are plenty of online dating success stories. It worked in You've Got Mail. So why not try to find my own Tom Hanks in a chat room?

With the click of a few buttons (and a lot of google searches to figure out how it worked) I created a profile on a dating app.

I must say, it was weird.

First of all, its so judgey! You get six pictures and a few words to not sound awkward, not accidentally make any sexual innuendos, and convince someone that based on photos and the wit of your profile, they should give you a chance.

And the guys. The catalogue of guys. Oh man. Most of them lost their shirts somewhere and had to go without one. And they all own dogs and take pictures with their moms. And are actors. Or attorneys.

But despite it all you finally find one that looks like maybe he is just like you, a fun person who hates this but is giving it a chance.

So you press the button or swipe the correct direction or whatever. And you are connected.

This could be it. The person that gets you. The one that will eventually see you in the ugly pajamas.

All it takes is the first opening line. All it takes is an amazing conversation starter.

My mouth goes dry.

Its like I've never started a conversation with a male stranger I met online in my life.

Oh wait. I haven't. In fact I am pretty sure this is one of those rules your parents tell you from the time you are born.

I let that thought go and start typing.

I say the most ridiculous things. I try different angles. Different jokes. I remind them that its hard to text a stranger on the internet.

And no one responds.

I question the quality of my selfies. Should I have left the part about loving cheese out of my profile? Should I be better looking? How the heck do you start a conversation with a stranger???

Shout out to "Paul," whoever you are in the world. He responded and thought I was funny. Or at least funny enough to send me some "lols" and ask me some questions. I hope you find your mate, Paul. You seemed like a decent fellow.

I close the app. I've wasted so much time. There is no way I have the energy for this.

I pick up a good book and my pup and I decide it will have to go the old fashioned way.

Perhaps I'll hang out in the produce section of a Whole Foods instead. You never know what can happen when standing next to the tomatoes.

I fall asleep with my glasses still on.

I decide that best case scenario I live an awesome life. I decide that worst case scenario I live an awesome life.

I delete the app and watch 3 episodes of Gilmore Girls instead.

I mean, my dog thinks I'm a catch and really that's all that matters.