"You Don't Look Like Whatchu've Been Through"

The worst part about all my cancer stuff is getting my blood drawn.

I know, that sounds silly when I've had major surgery and am headed into chemo. But I absolutely cringe and sweat when my blood gets drawn (which is often).

I was trying to act nonchalant at the oncology office when they took my preliminary labs last Friday, but I was definitely nervous on the inside. Since I had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed on my left side, I am not allowed to have blood drawn or my blood pressure taken on that arm, so I let the technician know.

"Oh you had the surgery?" she asked.

"Yea," I replied, "Two weeks ago today. I had a mastectomy."

Her eyes widened.

"Girl! You look good!"

"Oh man! Thanks for saying that." I replied.

She gave me a look that told me she was impressed. As she walked away she said matter-of-factly,

"Girl, you don't look like whatchu been through." 

This was perhaps the greatest compliment she could have given me. Post-op is super weird for this kind of surgery. You've lost feeling in a portion of your body, you feel like a rock is sitting on your chest, and your arms don't reach the way they are supposed to. You are walking around as a literal work in progress. Your mind is being overwhelmed with statistics and information, decisions to be made and scientific words that don't make sense. I have at least one doctors appointment every week and I have a team of three doctors that are in charge of my care. It is a lot.

In some ways, everything has changed. I simultaneously feel completely myself and like a completely different person. Getting used to my "new body" hasn't been hard for me. I've never been one to care that much. But getting used to life post-cancer does take some getting used to.

On the inside I am going through so many emotional and physical adjustments, but then a lab technician makes me realize something-

This experience, like those before it in my life, has served to make me stronger. It has made me more confident and kind. It has reminded me of God's provision time and time again. It has brought me into deeper community with close friends and with strangers. This experience, though difficult, has not defeated me. And I am blessed with so many people who love me, that two weeks post-surgery I can walk into a place where no one can tell what I've been through.

And I realize that this is true with all of the difficult things I have been through in the last few years. I could let them make me sad and depressed. I could wallow in how unfair they are. I could become angry and bitter that God let these things happen to me when I've tried so hard to serve Him.

Or I could decide to be different.
To choose joy.
To rejoice in the wins.
To laugh with my friends and invite people into my story.

I let these experiences strengthen me rather than defeat me. 

The road ahead is long, but I hold onto hope. Because no matter what comes, no matter what further physical changes there might be, I know one thing for sure: 

I don't look like what I've been through.