Happy/Sad: A Flashback
This is a post I wrote and never published over a year ago, just a month or so before my husband left. I would say the message is still fitting for my current season. Enjoy this flashback!
___________________
March 2017
The other day I walked into work just like any other day. Nothing extraordinary or great had happened that morning. I had just woken up, gotten ready, and headed into work. As I said hello to my friend and coworker she exclaimed, "you look happy!" I look happy? I thought. I look happy! It had been so long since my natural countenance had been happy and I was thrilled at her observation.
A few weeks later the same coworker walked over to my office (or cubicle) and said, "Hey, I just wanted you to know that you seem like your old self again and I'm really happy to have you back." Again, I was amazed that she noticed the outward healing that I was feeling inside. This friend has known me since I arrived in Arizona and has had a front row seat for the decline of happy, positive Meredith to the depressed and angry person I've been for a while.
For her to witness that the former me was back was a huge deal.
In truth, I did not know or realize that my pain had been so apparent, or that it had affected my relationships so deeply. Conversely I did not realize that the inner joy I was now feeling, after 2 years of trying to heal from my wounds, was shining through even when times are still hard or I still struggle.
What does healing feel like? It feels like a lightness inside. It feels like a peace. It feels kind of like this concept they brought up in the movie Sing Street (great movie by the way) called happy/sad. They describe it with expletives but basically it is knowing life is crap but you deal with it, you accept it, and you use that pain to make something beautiful.
If I am honest, a lot of the things that made me sad or angry are still there. They didn't get fixed and they didn't go away. But I've found peace in the pain that clung tightly to me over the last two years. I have found peace in unanswered questions, in things that did not turn out like I had hoped, and I have found the right kind of people to support me along the way.
Nothing in my life is perfect.
My job is great, but I still have bad days and hard times. My friends are amazingly supportive, but sometimes I still feel completely alone in the world. And my life path? My next steps in this journey? Uncertain at best. Nothing is as I had planned it for my life but that is ok. God has proven Himself to be so good, even if it takes time for me to see it.
I have to be ok with not being ok. I have to be strong but also know that sometimes its ok to let other people be strong for me. I have to realize that healing is a process, and though I finally seem like "the old me" again, it is still going to take work and time to be completely free of the anger and fear that sometimes threatens to overwhelm me, often in moments when I least expect it.
It all reminds me of when my brother and I were in elementary school and we joined the chess club. We found the game to be boring, but there were snacks so we went for the free food. To entertain ourselves we would begin chess games with the die-hard members of the club and in the middle of the game yell, "Harry Potter chess!" and take our pieces and knock all of their pieces over, declaring ourselves to be the winners. It made our opponents SO mad which made us think it was even more fun.
In chess club, we didn't care that the rules of our game were different than our opponent's. We didn’t mind that our path to “success” was uncommon or of our own making.
We simply decided that no matter what was put in front of us, we would find joy and make our own way.
___________________
March 2017
The other day I walked into work just like any other day. Nothing extraordinary or great had happened that morning. I had just woken up, gotten ready, and headed into work. As I said hello to my friend and coworker she exclaimed, "you look happy!" I look happy? I thought. I look happy! It had been so long since my natural countenance had been happy and I was thrilled at her observation.
A few weeks later the same coworker walked over to my office (or cubicle) and said, "Hey, I just wanted you to know that you seem like your old self again and I'm really happy to have you back." Again, I was amazed that she noticed the outward healing that I was feeling inside. This friend has known me since I arrived in Arizona and has had a front row seat for the decline of happy, positive Meredith to the depressed and angry person I've been for a while.
For her to witness that the former me was back was a huge deal.
In truth, I did not know or realize that my pain had been so apparent, or that it had affected my relationships so deeply. Conversely I did not realize that the inner joy I was now feeling, after 2 years of trying to heal from my wounds, was shining through even when times are still hard or I still struggle.
What does healing feel like? It feels like a lightness inside. It feels like a peace. It feels kind of like this concept they brought up in the movie Sing Street (great movie by the way) called happy/sad. They describe it with expletives but basically it is knowing life is crap but you deal with it, you accept it, and you use that pain to make something beautiful.
If I am honest, a lot of the things that made me sad or angry are still there. They didn't get fixed and they didn't go away. But I've found peace in the pain that clung tightly to me over the last two years. I have found peace in unanswered questions, in things that did not turn out like I had hoped, and I have found the right kind of people to support me along the way.
Nothing in my life is perfect.
My job is great, but I still have bad days and hard times. My friends are amazingly supportive, but sometimes I still feel completely alone in the world. And my life path? My next steps in this journey? Uncertain at best. Nothing is as I had planned it for my life but that is ok. God has proven Himself to be so good, even if it takes time for me to see it.
I have to be ok with not being ok. I have to be strong but also know that sometimes its ok to let other people be strong for me. I have to realize that healing is a process, and though I finally seem like "the old me" again, it is still going to take work and time to be completely free of the anger and fear that sometimes threatens to overwhelm me, often in moments when I least expect it.
It all reminds me of when my brother and I were in elementary school and we joined the chess club. We found the game to be boring, but there were snacks so we went for the free food. To entertain ourselves we would begin chess games with the die-hard members of the club and in the middle of the game yell, "Harry Potter chess!" and take our pieces and knock all of their pieces over, declaring ourselves to be the winners. It made our opponents SO mad which made us think it was even more fun.
In chess club, we didn't care that the rules of our game were different than our opponent's. We didn’t mind that our path to “success” was uncommon or of our own making.
We simply decided that no matter what was put in front of us, we would find joy and make our own way.
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