Revealing Grace

It comes as a tightening in my chest. A few seconds later I find it hard to breathe and I know, I know that the stress is back. My friend said I'm trying to steer my boat against the wind. I'm pushing and pushing against the direction my life is going in, determined not to give in, instead of giving the wheel to the One who is supposed to be steering.  All I have to do is let go and the boat will sail smoothly, but I resist. I resist because I don't understand. The whole clarity thing isn't a gift God is giving me right now. And that's ok, I just have to be ok with it, which is harder than it sounds. It isn't like I have anything to complain about, which makes me feel bad about sometimes feeling bad. God has been faithful to provide, in so many ways, and I cannot deny His faithfulness. What catches me is that I don't get where He is going with all this. I don't understand what He is doing with me, my life, my future, my influence. Just a little glance...

Today I found myself sitting on a hay bale in the middle of an 80-acre farm in Georgia. It was quite the opposite of the go-go-go on a usual Saturday in Arizona and I breathed in the quiet with joy. I'm in this part of Georgia for a quick 3 day trip to speak at a church about AYM and I am relishing in the space to think and the quiet that enables me to pray in a way I haven't quite found time for in the midst of my excuses.  It was the topic of prayer that came up last night as I was retelling stories of my solo trip to India to my host . I exclaimed that I wasn't quite sure why I went, since I would never hop on a plane alone and go to India now. My host replied that it seemed for whatever reason to have been in God's plan for me to go.  As I considered this I began to recall the lessons I learned in faith while alone in India. One of the key things I remember was how close I was to God in those 5 weeks. I was alone, but He was with me. Every thought was ...

We all know my life isn’t quite what one would call conventional .  People often ask what a “typical” day looks like for me and I must admit, it is almost hard to describe. Each day brings new challenges, unpredictable conversations, and some sort of unexpected adventure. Each week can be like the top of the roller coaster before the hill. . . the anticipation is a mix of both excitement and uncertainty. But the days are slowly becoming more uniform and the relationships with our students more steady. And as I have always said since moving here, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else nor do I desire any different job or life. No, I could not have predicted this, but I would not change it even given the chance. I love this unconventional life.  This past week the unexpected adventure I was thrown for a loop with was a nasty cold. My voice started to fluctuate between Minnie Mouse and a raspy young man, and though I was pretty miserable I loved that the students respo...

2014 was, I suppose, the year of  making Meredith outdoorsy . In the beginning I was an embarrassing novice, climbing over rocks like I was 185-years old and only operating on half of a lung. In the end I was leading hiking excursions (though admittedly still rather slowly), camping in my very own tent, and sporting a plethora of spandex hiking pants. Being "outdoorsy" is now one of my favorite parts of living in this middle-of-somewhere Arizona town, so I think it is safe to say that we accomplished that goal. Way to go guys.   So, it is 2015, and a new goal must be made. I've thought about it long and hard, considered becoming the next best youtube sensation, inspiring people with my fantastic dance moves, and being less weird, but all of those fell to the wayside when this one came to mind:  2015: The Year of Meredith's Independence.  I am sure you are thinking, "but Meredith, you ARE independent! What are you talking about??"  Ah yes, I know. I ...

A few months ago I was walking around the streets of Baltimore with a dear friend. . . hopelessly lost. In the midst of the joy of being together on an adventure we had utterly forgotten where the car was parked. As the miles and hours passed (oh yes, we were lost for that long) we began to get frazzled and a little frustrated with our inability to be where we "needed" to be. As we sat in a little coffee shop, windblown and tired, I decided that if we were going to be lost we might as well enjoy it! There was a sort of beauty in being lost and lost with a friend. So I pushed aside the growing frustration and decided to let the unexpected beauty fill my sight. As we continued walking we ran into churches, gardens, and museums that we would never have seen if we had taken the "easy" path. It was a longer journey for sure, but it would be a memory for a lifetime.  What had started out as a frustrating misadventure was now a whole new beautiful adventure.  2014...

I don't remember what we were talking about when I responded to two of our students, "My love is not dependent on your actions." "So if I came to the Kennel all high and jacked up, would you still love me?" one of them asked. "No!" said the other kid, "She would kick you out!" I gave that kid a look. To the other one I responded, "Well, I would be disappointed and a little sad, but I would still love you." They thought for a second and then said with sincerity and interest,  "then what is  your love dependent on?"  I think that in the moment I replied, "Jesus, I guess." Which isn't a very good explanation, but hey, I don't work well under pressure! In fact, their question kind of caught me off guard. I had to think about it for a while. What, if not what they do or say, does my love depend on? Do I love them less when they disappoint me? The answer, of course, is no. In fact, I am perhaps ...

We should have known when we were scrapping inches of snow and ice off the truck at 6:30am that the day wasn't going to go as planned. Just 12 hours earlier there had been 5 people planning to go to Phoenix for a furniture-retrieving, sunshine-loving adventure. At 6:25am the last person backed-out and it was down to two. As much as I adore winter, I have to admit that I'm not quite used to it yet. So I hadn't received the common-sense memo that ice+snow+nightfall will equal a lot of work before you can drive away. So my faithful friend and I took to the windows with a tiny ice scraper and our sleeves to make the windshield less of a Christmas wonderland. It wasn't the last time that we would be unprepared that day.  After enough of the windshield was cleared we drove away in the snow, ice, and dark to Phoenix, land of eternal sunshine and free furniture.  About an hour into the 3 hour drive, coffee in hand and a strong will to not fall asleep we encountere...