Chemo Definitely Sucks

Hi.

I am tired. But I want to write while it is all still fresh.

Today, I conquered my first chemo session. Granted, the effects of it won't hit for a few days, but to get through today was a serious accomplishment. I don't like to talk about this being hard because I know a lot of other people with cancer have it a lot harder than me, but for today, I am going to go ahead and be proud that I survived the day.

The day really wasn't too bad. I was there from 10am-5pm. I was in the cold cap for 5 hours and that is honestly the worst part. It is so tight and it feels like someone laid a bunch of popsicles straight onto your head. It hurts your jaw and made me dizzy. But I know it will be worth it. The oncologist told me to be optimistic about my hair and that is a big deal. They don't encourage your optimism very often.

There were moments of pain, moments where I was so cold, moments where I really had to pee but needed the nurse to unhook my IV so I wouldn't pee my pants (I definitely over-hydrated!). There was a moment at the end when I had to get a shot and I just got so overwhelmed. I gave the nurses a verbal warning that I was getting overwhelmed (literally, I felt the tears coming so I said, "um, I think I am getting a little overwhelmed.") but she grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye, and told me how great I was doing and how much I had conquered that day.

And those are the moments I think I am going to take away from today. The moment when the old African-American man got up from his treatment across from me and wished me well, wished me blessings, and a lovely weekend. We hadn't even said a word to each other before that. The moment where the family next to me, who had been through so much, told me that this session had been better for them because of my company. The moment when the volunteer massage therapist came and rubbed my feet, just to make me feel calm and pampered. The cheering on of my nurse, Ashley, and the look of support from the older lady sitting on the other side when I started to cry at the end of the long day.

When I look back at pictures from today I will see the blanket from Nicole, the other blanket from Katie and Katherine, the snacks from the Good family, the cross from my brother, and the "bad ass babes club" shirt from Morgan. I will see the countless messages/letters/texts from all of you wishing me well and reminding me that I am a conquerer. The moments will be defined by these tokens of love.

I truly believe that the moments of solidarity, of kindness, of joining together with friends and strangers in a hard thing, is what will hold my heart up when it gets weary. 

I won't lie to you, this sucks. It really sucks. And tonight, as grateful as I am, I am really really sad. I do not pity myself. I do not question why me. I know I am strong, but tonight I am strong and sad.

Sometimes the brokenness of this world just sucks. Disease sucks. Heartbreak sucks. Death sucks. So much sucks.

But today I was also reminded of something beautiful. I was reminded that there is also still so so much good in the world. So many people are loving, and kind, and trying their best in difficult situations.

And that? That is something that will always get me through my head being frozen and my body being flushed with chemo drugs.

That is something that has the power to overcome anything that is to come.