2 days to Chemo Round 1

On the day after tomorrow I start chemotherapy.

I feel fine about it on some level, but I think the underlying stress of the unknown is also getting to me a little bit.

Today it has been hard to concentrate at work.

I feel quietly morose.

I really badly want a nap.

It is as if my mind and body are prepping for what might be without actually having a reason to feel that way. Food tastes funny because I am anticipating that food will taste funny. I am tired because I am anticipating feeling fatigued.

And I just want to eat all of the chocolate and pie in all of the world while also wanting to only eat kale and carrots and meat and fruit.

Needless to say, two days to chemo is a confusing place to be.

My mind knows the truth- that all of this will be temporary, no matter how hard it gets.

But my body is antsy. It reminds me of my dog when she anticipates that I am about to leave the house and gets into her ready stance so that I won't be able to catch her. My body is in anticipation, gearing up for the inevitable frustration of being put in a place that we don't want to be.

I am both fine and not fine.
I am both fully packed for chemo day and fully dragging my heels and refusing to go.
I am strong and yet I want to run away to Germany and pretend cancer wouldn't follow me there.
I am grateful and I am also thoroughly annoyed.

Did I mention my job also kicks into high gear with the students on Monday? Yea, it is a lot to handle.

I don't want to do this stupid chemo thing. But ah well. Sometimes you just have to put on your favorite outfit and kick cancer in the butt. 

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 17, 2018 at 12:03 PM

    Put on your boots of butt kicking and KICK IT!! I believe in you. That probably doesn't change a thing, but I do!

    ReplyDelete

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