Defeating Fear and Chemo
On Tuesday I woke up feeling amazing. I had slept well, the weather was beautiful, my energy level was up.
It was also the day that I went in for "chemo teaching."
As I took a shower and got ready to a happy playlist, I repeated a mantra in my head.
I am happy, I am well, I feel great.
It sounds silly, but I have to remind myself of good things so as to defeat the negativity that loves to try and take over.
It really sucks how easily negative thoughts can slip in.
It was the happiest morning I had had in a while, but it just took one look in the mirror to suddenly feel disgusted by my healing scars or frustrated by the weight I have gained. As I took the dog for a longer walk than we have been on in ages, fear started to creep in that my chest pain would begin at any second. My brain would shift to the potential sadness I might have at the oncology center later that day. At every turn, negativity and fear tried to creep in and rob me of the progress I was feeling.
But on that day, I decided to refuse. I refused to let negativity and fear overwhelm my positivity and faith. Every time something crappy tried to overwhelm me I would steal back my joy as I repeated my mantra.
I am happy, I am well, I feel great.
Not every day is a good day in the fight against cancer. You can read this post to see how down I was feeling last weekend. But when a good day comes I try to seize it.
That afternoon I went into chemo teaching knowing that it was going to be overwhelming. I knew that a thousand fears would try to enter my mind and steal my joy. Fears of what is to come, what might be, what could happen. Cancer is both highly scientific and a guessing game. You base your treatment off of advice and studies and knowledge, but there is also chance, and God, and all sorts of things that can't really be predicted. It is so much to handle in the midst of your daily life.
But my brother reminded me of something recently. He texted me:
That is a lot of unknown upcoming! But you are super strong and I know this will turn into something positive once it is all over and done. I know chemo is a scary thing to contemplate but it is nothing you can't handle! Worrying about it will only make you feel worse going in. Just know that however bad it gets it is only temporary and it is there to make you stronger in the long run.
And you know what? With that mindset and my positive mantra, chemo teaching wasn't actually that bad. In fact, it made me hopeful that I was going to kick it in the rear as I get on with what God has called me to do.
It is definitely going to be a hard few months, I won't belittle that. But every three weeks, people I love are coming to sit by my side and make me laugh. Every three weeks someone is flying in to remind me that this is temporary and that I am strong.
Yes, cancer sucks and its easy to get bogged down by the negative. But today, and every day moving forward, I choose to overcome.
It was also the day that I went in for "chemo teaching."
As I took a shower and got ready to a happy playlist, I repeated a mantra in my head.
I am happy, I am well, I feel great.
It sounds silly, but I have to remind myself of good things so as to defeat the negativity that loves to try and take over.
It really sucks how easily negative thoughts can slip in.
It was the happiest morning I had had in a while, but it just took one look in the mirror to suddenly feel disgusted by my healing scars or frustrated by the weight I have gained. As I took the dog for a longer walk than we have been on in ages, fear started to creep in that my chest pain would begin at any second. My brain would shift to the potential sadness I might have at the oncology center later that day. At every turn, negativity and fear tried to creep in and rob me of the progress I was feeling.
But on that day, I decided to refuse. I refused to let negativity and fear overwhelm my positivity and faith. Every time something crappy tried to overwhelm me I would steal back my joy as I repeated my mantra.
I am happy, I am well, I feel great.
Not every day is a good day in the fight against cancer. You can read this post to see how down I was feeling last weekend. But when a good day comes I try to seize it.
That afternoon I went into chemo teaching knowing that it was going to be overwhelming. I knew that a thousand fears would try to enter my mind and steal my joy. Fears of what is to come, what might be, what could happen. Cancer is both highly scientific and a guessing game. You base your treatment off of advice and studies and knowledge, but there is also chance, and God, and all sorts of things that can't really be predicted. It is so much to handle in the midst of your daily life.
But my brother reminded me of something recently. He texted me:
That is a lot of unknown upcoming! But you are super strong and I know this will turn into something positive once it is all over and done. I know chemo is a scary thing to contemplate but it is nothing you can't handle! Worrying about it will only make you feel worse going in. Just know that however bad it gets it is only temporary and it is there to make you stronger in the long run.
And you know what? With that mindset and my positive mantra, chemo teaching wasn't actually that bad. In fact, it made me hopeful that I was going to kick it in the rear as I get on with what God has called me to do.
It is definitely going to be a hard few months, I won't belittle that. But every three weeks, people I love are coming to sit by my side and make me laugh. Every three weeks someone is flying in to remind me that this is temporary and that I am strong.
Yes, cancer sucks and its easy to get bogged down by the negative. But today, and every day moving forward, I choose to overcome.
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