Revealing Grace

I took a student on her very first hike recently and every time we hit the slightest elevation change (and I am talking a few inches of difference) her whole body would instantly crumble. In seconds she would be folded into herself as she took to the ground to hug the dirt. I would coax and pull and try to talk sense into her, but her fear was overwhelming and she couldn't make herself move. Eventually I would pick her up under her arms and make her move her feet over the small incline or decline as we walked on to the next change in elevation. It didn't matter how many she survived, at each turn going up or down or over rocks, she would crumble again. There was no sense to it. Simply her fear got the best of her. Often, this is what has happened to me over the past year as I tried to emotionally navigate my life post-cancer.  I've put on a tough front, I've acted like I don't need help, but with the slightest change in my path, I crumbled. Something as s...

I was talking to my dad last weekend about moving forward. Naturally, as we discussed my upcoming marriage to Jeff, the pull of the past made itself known. Sensing this, my dad told me about the best piece of advice he received after his mother passed away. "You have to turn the page," he told me. "You have to turn the page and start a new chapter."  It seemed so simple, but in that moment I realized that I haven't turned the page on my chapter in Arizona. I have, instead, been trying to write in the margins.  I have been trying to shove this new story into the cracks between the words and the space between the feelings of those past years. I haven't given Jeff a fresh page. I have given him the margins. I have written extensively about sadness, loss, divorce, and cancer in the past few years. I have clung to the hard parts of my story and honestly found it difficult to write with unabashed joy about my new life with Jeff. How can my words reflect...

Hi. I am getting married. Again. No one talks about the "again" part so of course I will. I like to address the elephant in the room even though the elephant is imaginary and I am the only one who sees it. So, what's it like to get married again? Well, at first I thought everyone would roll their eyes and be like, "ok, sure, whatever. We all know you've done this before." This was totally in my head and not reality, but that's what I thought. In reality, we have been inundated with the most amazing support, kindness, and joy. It has been truly heartwarming. I also sometimes freak out about normal things because my body has been trained that everything that is happening to prepare for the wedding means danger. My body is like, "woah, we have been here before and it turned out baaaaaaad! Alert! Alert! Alert!" Then I cry, or have anxiety, or just stop being able to function and make decisions. Post-traumatic stress is a bastard. It is ...

How are you?  It was a question I dreaded after my husband left. People meant well. They didn't realize that as their words drifted to my ears, unformed thoughts and emotions would begin to build up in my throat and overflow through the tears in my eyes. It was a question that kept me tucked inside the house so that I didn't have to face it. Who knew that those three words could pack such a devastating punch. How are you? It's never simple, is it? A friend recently asked me this question at a wedding and I heard myself replying, "I'm fine. I'm fine. Yea, no, I'm. . . I'm totally fine." If you have to say it three times I am not sure you are convincing anyone. I took a deep breath. "Actually, I am probably not fine, but I am a lot better than the last time we talked." "Yea, I remember exactly where I was sitting when you called that day." We both stood quietly for a second as the memory of one of the worst days of my...

My heart is elsewhere.  It is sitting among the sentinels of corn and among the whispers of the wheat. It is tucked next to a fire in a little house by the plains of the desert. It is on the sacred mountain of a reservation in Arizona. It is scattered among the people I love throughout the country and the world. My body is here, but my heart is elsewhere.  My mind is full.  Full of the mistakes I've made and the problems still left to solve. Full of ghosts and home videos. Stacked the brim with to-do lists and airy dreams for days ahead. My mind needs to focus, but it is already full.  My body is strong.  My heart beats with determination. My brain connects and controls. My arms lift and my legs power through. I may feel like this body belongs to someone else, but this body is strong.  My soul feels stretched.  Stretched between places and people that I love things I want to do and things I need to do guilt and ...

My couch is sitting in the middle of my living room and not in a cute way. It is shoved into the tiny walkway in my 600 square foot apartment because I bought a TRX so that I could work out at home but there isn't any room to use it unless I move the couch. But the couch has nowhere to go. So I'm currently turning sideways and shuffling to get to my kitchen. My dog literally just jumps across the top of furniture because there is no floor space. Speaking of dogs, I just found mine eating the bathroom trash. Seriously. Gross. In other news, I've been sleeping on the other sofa's twin pull-out bed for two weeks. Do I not have a real bed? No, I have a real king-sized bed in the other room, the room I am not using apparently. For a month I was waking up with back pain (the bed is less than three years old), so I moved beds. Now I sleep in the living room. Speaking of sleep, I couldn't tell you the last time I slept a whole night through. In fact, I can remem...

Hello sweet friends. Its been a while, hasn't it? I guess life has just been complicated enough that I'm not quite sure how to write about it. It has certainly been getting back to normal, if there is such a thing, although I always feel like I am walking a tightrope of health. Not enough water? Exhaustion. Not the right food? Exhaustion. Not enough sleep? You guessed it, I spend an entire day sleeping as my body tries to recover. It is partly that I push myself so hard, but I don't really know how not to. I push through waves of anxiety, times when I watch TV so my brain stops worrying, and alternating sessions at the chemo center with work, travel, the boyfriend, etc. Honestly, life in Dallas isn't what I expected it to be when I moved here a year ago. I've struggled to find friends and community and I struggle to find the balance between needing to rest and wishing I had more people I connect with here. I miss having a church. I miss having people that com...